"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around chinatown."

- Woody Allen.

Some people think that Buddhist practice and meditation are about stopping thoughts. As the saying goes, if that were true, a coconut would be enlightened..... Let's remember that upon attaining enlightenment the Buddha smiled. This is very important. He didn't have to smile. He could have grimaced or remained neutral, but he smiled..... After reading Milarepa 25 times I had the insight that Mila was in fact a comedian.

- Prof Robert Thurman, talking in Cleveland.

(Some "poop" science for you know who...)

As is stated in the colorectal sutra verse 118: The enlightenment experienced through meditation can be compared to the sphincter muscle. It is the only muscle in the body that works when relaxed, and the more relaxed the more ecstatic the experience. Jungle humor with a touch of truth, everybody.

- Kenneth J. Smith

Here is something from Chevy Chase in the movie "Caddyshack:"

"The Zen philosopher Basho once wrote:
'A flute with no holes is not a flute,
And a doughnut with no hole is a Danish.'
He was a funny guy."

---

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

-- Albert Einstein

"Hell was OK, until some wise guy went to heaven and came back"

-- Buddhadasa Bhikkhu

The Paratrooper

A paratrooper was scared to jump. His instructor told him, "If anything goes wrong, say, `Buddha oh Buddha' and you will be saved."

The paratrooper got so scared that he forgot to pull his rip cord. So he said, "Buddha oh Buddha," and a hand came out and saved him.

He said, "Thank God," and he was dropped.

Compassion with an umbrella

A Western Buddhist woman was In india, studying with her teacher. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.

The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."

"There were these two Buddhist monks who had about 13 beers each. One had to walk home quite some distance.

'Will you be all right to walk home?', the one asked

'Of course, I will take the Middle Path,' he replied."

These are all from the lighter side of Zen website.  This one in particular is for anyone who has ever wondered why "D" moo's. 

Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers.

One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.

"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your Purpose in Life, anyway?"

Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)

Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.

Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.

-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"

From Zen Master Greg Tales:

 

Tales of the Master #1:

In which the Master solves a problem.

Customer: My dissertation is due tomorrow and the computer is saying that I can't read the disk? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG? WHAT SHOULD I DO?STOP PLAYING TETRIS AND LISTEN TO ME, YOU GUILD PARASITE!

Zen-Master Greg: Does the cow complain when the grass disappears?

Customer: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? FIX MY DISK, YOU IDIOT.

Zen-Master Greg: Clear your mind of this artificial reality. Cease to worry about this "disk". It is of no importance.

Customer: IT'S MY GODDAMN DISSERTATION, OKAY! IT'S VERY F***ING IMPORTANT. FIX IT. NOW!

Zen Master Greg: Bring me this disk-object that is the cause of so much frustration.

Customer: Finally! Just fix it, all right? Here it is.

Zen-Master Greg: Your worries are over grasshopper. I will solve your problem.

Customer: Thanks. Sorry for shouting. It's just that all my work is on that disk and I don't have a backup and HEY! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING? AND WHAT ABOUT MY DISK! ARGH! MY DISK! YOU SNAPPED MY DISK AND THREW IT OUT THE WINDOW! WHAT THE F*** IS GOING ON! ARE YOU INSANE? THAT'S ALL MY WORK. WHAT KIND OF MORON ARE YOU?

Zen-Master Greg: You are welcome, misguided one. This matter will trouble you no more.

---

Actually, I got the Moo from the story of Pukkusatti.

 

One night the Buddha stayed in a potter's shed. Also taking shelter in the potter's shed was a young man. The Buddha thought, attractive are the ways of this young man, I should ask about him. So, the Buddha asked the man his name, why he had left his home, and whose doctrine he liked.

 

The man replied that his name was Pukkusatti, that he had heard of a Sakyan Prince who had become enlightened, that it is his doctrine that he likes, and that he is seeking for him.

 

The Buddha realized that Pukkusatti was speaking about him. So, he said, I will teach you the doctrine. The Buddha then gave a discourse on the nature of truth.

 

At the end of the discourse, Pukkusatti realized that the man before him was the Buddha. Pukkusatti begged to become a desciple.

 

The Buddha responded that the High Priests would not take him in without a begging bowl and robes.

 

Immeadiately Pukkusatti went forth in search of these items. Unfortuneately, on his way back he was savaged by a cow.

 

The Buddha declared that Pukkusatti had reached a pentultimate stage in understanding truth, and that he would become enlightened within the next few lifetimes.

 

Still, I must wonder how anyone could free themselves of the karma of being savaged by a cow in just a few lifetimes. Yes, I have taken much delight from the unfortuneate wording of the translated story. "SAVAGED" just carries with it layers of meaning one does not expect in a Buddhist story with a cow. The first time I read it, I laughed my ass off. This passed though.

 

Still, I recommend that you take care the next time your out in the country and you hear the slow methodical clip clops of cow's hooves hitting the ground. It could just happen to be a "SAVAGE" cow.

 

MOOOOOOOOO!

Muuuuu........Moooooooo......I love it!!! Rotflmao

Non-Zen Uses for non-violent Cows

Mercedes regret frustrated customer smashing up his car

Mercedes-Benz in China has expressed 'deep regret' that a customer smashed up a car it refused to repair.

Wang Sheng from central Wuhan City used sledge hammers to destroy his SLK 230.

He previously got a cow to pull it through the streets. The company blames tainted petrol for the car's problems.

According to The Straits Times, the company sent a statement to the Beijing Youth Daily saying: "We deeply regret that the client took such a drastic and unnecessary action.

"We offered to clean the car's fuel system for the client out of goodwill, but unfortunately this was turned down by him."

Mr Wang said he was protesting to demand his consumer rights after he had to repair his car five times in a year.

Story filed: 13:24 Saturday 29th December 2001

http://www.ananova.com/yournews/story/sm_483438.html

 

Moo.

One

The Zen Pig Farmer went out to slop the hogs one day. He poured the slop into the trough, and the pigs came quickly and started eating. He stood and watched. After a bit, one pig looked up at him. Licking slop from its chin, it said, "You know, every day you come here and bring us our food. All we do is lie around and eat, yet you see to all our needs. Why do you do this?" The Zen Pig Farmer stroked his beard slowly and said, "They call me The Zen Pig Farmer because of what I do." The pig went back to eating.

A little later the pig looked up again. It said, "Did you ever consider that maybe you are called The Zen Pig Farmer because you are a pig farmer and I am the Zen Pig?"

The farmer said, "Um... no..."

 

From Tales of the Zen Pig Farmer.  (There is a cow story too.)

http://www.lightlink.com/tjweber/ZenPig.html

I had to add this one ...

Four

The Zen Pig Farmer belonged to the New Age Book Of The Month Club. He bought a lot of books, and every evening he sat down in his library and read before going to bed. But usually by the end of a long day of physical labor, he was very tired, so he only made it through a few pages at a time before he fell asleep in his chair. So, the pile of books grew taller.

One evening, though, when the Zen Pig Farmer went to sit in his chair and read a few pages, he noticed that the pile of books looked a little smaller than it used to. "I must be making some progress," he thought.

A couple of evenings later, when the Zen Pig Farmer went into his library, there were only four books left on the pile. "Hm," he thought, "I know there were more books than that yesterday. I haven't finished one in weeks."

That day he had taken an inadvertent nap during his afternoon meditation, so he wasn't as sleepy as usual. While he was just beginning to get drowsy, he heard a noise at the door. He opened his eyes, and saw one of his chickens walking in the room and over to his pile of books. She looked at the farmer, but he pretended he was sleeping.

The chicken took a book under one wing. "Book, book," she said. She took another under the other wing. "Book, book," she said again. Then she walked out, mumbling to herself, "Book book, book book."

The farmer followed her at a discreet distance. She went out to the frog pond, huffing a little with the effort of carrying the books, which were heavy with Dharma. When she arrived there, she called out to the frog, "Book, book!" The frog, sitting on a lily pad in the middle of the pond, made no reply.

Then she heaved each of the books into the pond, calling out "Book book! Book book!"

As each book sailed past him, the frog replied, "Reddit. Reddit."

The ripples slowly died away on the pond.

Then the chicken turned around and saw the Zen Pig Farmer. "Ohhww..." she mumbled. They considered each other. Then she looked down, pecked at something on the ground for a moment or two, then wandered off.

The Zen Pig Farmer went back inside and cancelled his subscription to the book club.