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Ive had an interesting couple of days. Ive been completely unmotivated, lazy, eating badly, sleeping worse, grouchy and crying a lot. It happens. Most of us will admit to a bad day now and again...no biggie.

I kept asking myself...in my oh so pityful feeling sorry for myself way...what has Spirit given me that i didnt have before....why put myself thru all this hard work and yes, heartache, for spiritual enlightenment? then I remembered a page i wrote a few months ago when things were going well...in it i talked about how spirit had not really affected the way i lived (physical conditions)...in it, i talked about how someone can live spiritually in any environ. A friend reminded me that i should look inside to see the changes Spirit brings....so as i thought about all those things...

i wondered about myself

i thought a lot about what others have said to and about me recently

i thought about the way my eyes look different to me now

i thought about how when i look in the mirror what i see (visually) doesnt match what i feel about myself anymore

and then i started to write....i wrote 3 or 4 poems today alone...i wrote about choices...i wrote about listening...i wrote about feeling....i wrote and it felt good.

there is a duality im finding as i analyze myself....One becomes two...the spiritual interior no longer matches the real life (physical) me that i have grown up with....as i nuture the interior the changes are obvious to those around me, but not always to me.

How long before the interior becomes ME and joins the exterior in completing the changes? or will this ever happen? i wonder if it happens when you become totally comfortable with every facet of who you are....i wonder if building my ettiquette will build that outer shell in new ways or simply affect the interior? i wonder if emotional control will make the difference? i wonder when i will no longer have bad days...lol

This was one of the first times, during a "bad day" episode that i can honestly say i learned something about myself within the timeframe of the bad day (if that makes sense..lol)...mostly those insights come long after the bad times have changed to better.

Boy do you do a good job of explaining...your bad days have been my months.....Somehow by pulling the rug out from undermyself the last time..i finally can look at those bad days as my best days of knowing myself....each tear says so much each bristling says so much about my boundries and my conditioning to be the perfect little girl...and my continuing that conditioning myself to be that which I feared becomeing

My mother ...eeegawds...to think I was more worried about what not to be then what i really was..and am..although you cant completly burry who you really are...but boy did i give it a good try...those bad days are the days what we buried is coming to the surface...and instead of letting it out...we smush it back down cause we fear that some how if we let it out ...we will cause Armagedon..i do and dont mean to be lighthearted about it...truth is what have pushed down is not the monster we think it is...but it shure feels like the world is ending when you let it out....as a matter of fact...i was so scarred for a few days waiting for the earthquakes and the sky to turn red......fear is a powerful advisary....causes illusions of monsters and that we are not worthy...but when the shadow is nothing more then where we have hidden our dreams we feared we couldnt accomplish.

When i look in the mirror now i seem vivid alive ..the look I once only held in my eyes shows now from all of me...mind me now...that is which ever look I have including anger

I feel it fully wholly and then breath it out and let go...some I hold a little longer for they are shaping me finally I am letting the wind blow.....funny thing I keep telling Lightheart give me some time hell girl I am still feeling the 70's...maybe not so funny..but for me I am elated..

let me tell a story of my old self....I once had a Horse named Trouble...ya ya ...only me...his registered name was Eye Double Trouble...we had 440 acres of pasture we summered our horses on and trouble was my barrel horse...I rode the rodeo and showed western.....we went to get them from pasture which ment a 4wheel road and calling them with a little grain..my oldest son was just about 7months old..and we took him with us in the truck....We found and saddled the horses..two of them..i mounted trouble ..and like slow mation this horses muscles started to tighten and i had that empathic sense of forboding and he exploded..and since i have hit the dirt a few times in my life..I intended on staying on him..he bucked then reared up but so violently that he flipped over...all i could see was saddle horn coming toward my face and my back was flat on the ground...at the very last milisecond he went side ways and as he came up off my leg i rolled to my right and was up runnin before you could breath..i caught him and looked him over..for the first real time..using my gift..he was shakking head to toe..as I was...but his eyes and his mind was not the same horse..he seemed disoriented like he didnt know me...anyway that time i didnt get back on..my dad did and he was skittish but let him ride..i kept thinking of that baby i had ..so made the drive back to the house..we met the riders and put the horses in the corral....so i fed him and looked him over...this time he knew me and checked my pockets and I questioned what i first felt after the incedent...so two days later we my ex hubby and his brother and my family were saddling the horse to go check fences..and i looked at trouble and there was the change as soon as the blanket hit his back he started to get scared so i eased the saddle on..thinking that this was just his freedom of pasture..as soon as i sinched him down he went bizerk..rearing and throwing himself down to the ground...a few of my friends tried to hold him while i got the saddle off but he was too strong 3 full grown men 300 pounds of men couldnt control this horse he backed his was rearing to a small draw with a gully below..then he went over dragging the men...i got him at the bottom of the hill and managed to get the saddle off at this point he was blowing blood out of his nose...i could see the fractured ribs and realized he had punctured a lung I tried to ease his pain and he stood calmly as he drowned my Mother was hysterical vet was at least an hour away and I called for the gun...My father couldnt do ...first time I had seen him quake..my ex brother in law wouldnt let me...so he fired the shot..by then we were covered in blood my friends and I....the rest is ranch business...I walked to the house...I felt nothing no grief I held my mother who was crying ...someone said to me your eyes have changed color..i looked in the mirror and my eyes were jade green...i can name many times in my life my eyes were jade green the most prominent was my fathers death and my grandfather.....I was tough...so tough I denied myself my own sorrow...I was strong...but I only strangled myself...so sometimes when i cry I can taste that day...The day trouble died...so today trouble shaped me..I let the tears out and am more alive

Bad days are your days to let your emotions shape you.....

Laurel I am so glad you learned from your bad days...I wish I knew that little secreat 20 years ago

Important Announcement The MSN Groups service will close in February 2009. You can move your group to Multiply, MSN’s partner for online groups. Learn More
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