Hi Pewter

 

I understand what you mean but from my perspective if you truly forgive someone then it follows that you are reconciled with that person.  If there are still non-reconcilable differences then you have not come to terms with the whole of the issue that caused the rift in the first place, therefore not forgiven them fully.

 

Forgive and forget was my Mum's motto but I dont think you can ever forget what someone has done to you, the trick I think is to forgive them, rebuild your relationship with them and dont keep referring to what caused the upset. 

 

My sister and I had a terrible rift whilst we were on holiday together three years ago.  She had done nothing but complain and criticise, moan and groan the whole week.  I had found a holiday for her that was within her budget ( she was jealous because I was having a few holidays and she never had one) and had paid for it in good faith that she would repay me her share but she did not do so and just took for granted that I would pay for it.  Nothing suited her from the minute we arrived, it was too hot, there were no amusements she could walk to on an evening, she did not want me buying bottles of wine with our shopping (at £1 per bottle?), she wanted me to drive miles and miles chasing street markets and to Barcelona (5 hours drive away) as she doesnt drive she has no idea how tiring it is especially left handed when you are used to right.  She criticised my driving, tutting and huffing, in fact nothing suited her at all.  In the end I exploded, told her that I was sick of her moaning and not paying her way and she did not speak to me at all for the next few months.  Being a concilliator I made the first move and although it was stilted it paved the way.  I can honestly say I have forgiven her (but clearly not forgotten) to the point where I have now paid for her to come to Rhodes with us for my daughter's wedding this year.  I did not even go down the route of her paying for herself, I gave her the trip for her 50th birthday.  I am slightly nervous because of what happened last time as I have no wish to fall out with her again and I am praying for patience and serenity for the week.

 

I hope I have explained myself properly, I feel as though I have rambled a bit and of course everyone is entitled to their own opinion on these issues and no one has to agree with me, but that is just my thoughts.

 

love and light

 

Linda xx

 

 

what a great thread.......let me ramble a little........

 

This may be disturbing for you to read - butit is all true............and charlie tells me i need to share, as it will help others who read it......

 

Ihave forgiven and reconsilled (my ex mother in law), and i have forgiven and walked away three times - (two abusive relationships - one physical, one mental, and one a random occurence i had no control what so ever over)....ALL  empowered me and taught me important lessons in my life and brought me to my spiritual journey of development.  It took me a long time to reconcile that thought into my heart and accept it.

 

I have been given from spirit pearls in my heart as a mark of my ability to free myself and those involed and to truly forgive them their actions and the pain they have caused me.  They are pearls of forgiveness, spirit did not gift them to me until i had forgiven these people in my life that have hurt me the most:

 

My first husband who tried to control my every waking moment and made me a paranoid, psychotic 21 year old who couldn't breath without his permission, and who himself tried to kill himself when I fought back and saught freedom from a mentally abusive marriage - that very act of his would have been interpreted as murder on my part (and that is no exaggeration) and would have seen me in jail.  (he propped himself up on a fish filleting knife in bed, knowing that i would try and console his anger to get some sleep, and that very act would have pushed him onto the knife, stabbed his heart or his lungs, and killed him)

 

My mother-in-law who tried to destroy my life in America and take my daughter away from me and destroy my credibility professionally

 

The random stranger who mistreated me in a way no woman should ever be, but that wasn't quite rape, and who challenged me to take him to court as the police had advised me that it would be his word against mine as there was no phsyical evidence that could be used in court.

 

My step father who beat me and abused me mentally from the time i was a child in his house until my daughter was born.

 

I forgive them all - unequivocally, from the strength of my inner being.  My step father passed to spirit just after we had exchanged olive branches, but i had effectively walked away from him and told him he would have no say at all in my daughters upbringing or my life after that point.  My first husband i have had nothing at all to do with from the day he signed my application for divorce, the stranger has never ever been a part of my life since i gave up my fight in the courts, and my ex mother in law and I enjoy a healthy distance, but a respect for the fact that we are both mothers, and only ever serve to protect and nurture our children - I will NEVER be close to her, she is a hyprocryt and i do not deem her worthy  of comment on how I raise my dauighter, and i have told her so.  That said she is welcome on my doorstep to spend time with her grandaughter and i would never be rude to her, out of respect for her role as my daughters fathers mother - thats it though, that is as far as it will ever go.  We are both happy and at peace with where we are.

 

Gosh i am suprised at all that - but what a great and empowering thread and what a reminder of how far i have come - thank you, all of you who contribute here.

 

Love Erika xxxxxxxxxxxx

Thank you my darling for sharing a part of your life (I think it has taken a lot of courage to bring it to the fore again) with us.  You said that you have forgiven and walked away and you have forgiven and reconciled to a point, I/we admire you for that.  I feel personally that if you dont forgive it eats away your very being.  Walk away by all means.  To forgive and have reconciliation - it depends on the circumstances (as already stated) but when it involves other loved ones then there has got to be some leeway.  So you have reconciled for a reason - because without that reason there would be no reconciliation - oops Polly is rambling.

 

Polly xxxxxxxxxx

Polly your rambling is spot on and i couldnt have said it any better. Erika thank you for sharing what must have been very painful and tramatic. You are a strong loving kind person who has had many lessons that seem so harsh and unfair but lessons are learnt and now others will gain understanding and knowledge and may also help someone out there going through harsh times themselves. Thank you for trusting us with your emotions and being so open. We love you and if anyone trys to hurt you again just shout youve got friends who will watch your back.

 

Love Silver xoxox

(((((((((((((thank you))))))))))))

 

I have no idea why all that came out, but i trust that it will help someone who reads it.  Polly, Silver, your words are spot on - was it hard to write, a little, but it FELT REAL GOOD when i had finished, very empowering, and I think that was maybe a part of why Charlie wanted me to share too - I certainly feel as though I have had a massive release, and that my little pearls can be worn in public view now instead of hidden away in my inner self.  I also think i understand something that happened on holiday (a very good thing) and i'll come back and share that when i get home tonight, as I would value everyons thoughts on it.

 

Thankyou  everyone for posting in this thread, its good to share our thoughts!

 

Love Erika xxxxxxxx

 

 

THis has turned out to be such an inspiring thread and has answered so many questions for myself.  

To be perfectly honest, my biggest fear ws running into my aunt at the upcoming funeral (whom I stopped talking to after my grandfather's funeral 6 years ago) and I have forgiven her with all of my heart, to the extent that should she ever need help, I would be there, but I could not ever accept her back into my life (reconcile to that extent ) because I know that she is not ready (nor ever will be ready) to admit her fault in anything and therefore we would just be singing the whole new tune again.  Also, I have a yong son that I don't want involved in these matters.

it's just that so many people in the situation would tell me that I must forgive, but they don't understand that I have Forgiven, only I have chosen not to reconcile because then I will just be back at the same place, with new found issues brought upon by her (she is incurable for the record and any opportunity she has to get me in a corner, well she just does).  They just see forgiven and reconcilation as the same virtue, but it isn't (in my eyes). 

But that is completely another situation and well, I guess I have learned my lesson and you have all made my lesson even more clear to me with your wonderful posts and views on this topic.  Anyhow, I have other issues surrounding this situation (as per my other post). 

Erika your post was a very touching one and that of a really strong woman.  Bless you for sharing and hats off for being the strong and together woman that you are.

 

Great reading folks...

Martine

I know what you are saying Anne.  Sometimes we just want things to go back to the way they were or wish for change and well, often that isn't possible unless we let ourselves get hurt again.  You expressed my exact feelings on the subject when you said that so much energy is wasted.  That is why I chose not to reconcile with my aunt.  I don't want to waste my energy on her constant phone calls with gossip or dealing with her hate letters or being cornered by some imaginary story she concocted in her head htat day about my sister or a neighbour or my mother.... I have a son and a life to live for.  Can\t be depressed because soeone chooses to make me misreable.  I can choose to walk the other way.

As it turned out, she never  even showed up to the funeral nor called the family.  She made it perfectly clear that she has no interest in reconciling.  She also said that she has "forgiven" my mother when in fact she was the perpretator of everything as she created an image of us through her own maddness and well, just believes her fantasies (I need to add that there might be a possiblity that she has some sort of mental illness).  My mother has forgiven her (so have we) but just yesterday my mother called crying as she made the final decision that it is best for her to just keep things as they are and not seek to reconcile as they would just go back to the same place with my aunt not stopping her evil ways.

BTW....I cry all the time when I watch stuff like htat.  So if you feel like a weirdo for getting emotional, then I win the top notch weirdo award for crying while watching Dr. Phil....there I said it....aaah it feels good.lollol.

 

Martine

I came on the site looking for  help regarding a problem and this post was at the top.

I am trying to sort out in my head how this all ties in.

 

My biggest experience with forgiveness and reconcilliation was with my step daughter which makes me sound terrible but at the time (she also has mental health issues which require her to be hospitalised frequently) she was seriously addicted to drugs. 

 

The story I am going away back to happened 6 years ago and before I go any further I must stress that I love her from the bottom of my heart but I don't always like her. Well at this stage she had started to get seriously aggressive and in the May she was extremely nasty to me she wouldn't stand at my door but on the pavement screaming all manner of obsenities and accusing me of terrible things this lasted for 20 minutes including threatening to take Chloe away. Because of her health at the time this wasn't at the end of an arguement or anything - I think I had just run out of money or something else that she wanted either way it was literally an explosion out of nowhere. So she decided she hated me and I just didn't get in touch - if she phoned I just passed it straight to her Dad.

By the November we had made up and moved on I had a "I want this" phonecall and we continued as we had before.

Then on Christmas Eve she blew up again and this time it wasn't just me she affected but Chloe and Louise as well. Well this time was too much and I decided I couldn't keep putting us all through it or we would have all ending up needing treatment. I can cope with so much but I can't have the girls dragged into it and hurt pointlessly.

For over a year I couldn't speak to her - I didn't honestly in my heart think I would ever forgive her. I just didn't have the strength or the energy left to cope with her.

But the up side was that in that that time because I wasn't at her beck and call anymore and this wasn't an occassional thing, this was me being far too soft but without me constantly buying her stuff when she had spent all her money on drugs - she gave them up and I discovered that by being so soft it was the best thing that could have happened to her. She didn't have me propping her up and she had to sort it out herself.

 

Unfortunately though the drugs have left her with lasting damage and she has been back in hospital since Easter Monday. Back to why I am struggling this morning. Yesterday I was up at the hospital with all the stuff Leeanne wanted from Tescos but the deodorant was the wrong one (they didn't have what she asked for) and I didn't want a coffee because I had an emmergency dentist appointment (I had been up all night with toothache) and she blew up again. She was screaming at me as I left the ward in tears and its not the first time but this time I couldn't sleep.

She seems to really get to me sometimes and I can't seem to shift it. I get the feeling this thread is the answer................I just need to understand.............

 

Sorry for the long ramble

Love Nova xxxxxxxxxxxxx       

 

Ahh this is this the post you were refuring to.

One, you never ramble, your expressing your hurt and emotions and that in its self can be hard. The first step to resloving any worry or problem is to "put it out there" that way you can read it, take it in , its part of the learning process. I can understand to a degree the fustration you are going through and it must be hard and trying for you to deal with. The thing is what are you ment to learn from this ? what part do you play in her lesson. Drugs are an escape from reality, is reality to much for her to handle, if so why. By being loving and caring she abuses your kindness. Is this a pattern in her life or yours? ( not ment to be offending just practical. I just reread) Sometimes the ones we love hurt us and visa versa. Do you walk away and cut her off or try to understand the reasons for this and resolve or just accept you have done your best and leave it. Hard to say without beeing in that situation. I personaly feel from your post that she craves attention and exceptance from you and the family. She dosent feel part of the "family unit" the closness you have with the the other girls, even though they are yours. Mental health is so tricky to deal with like a walking time bomb that seems to exploded to often. I dont have an answer for you but feel there is a lesson there, maybe not an easy one but one none the less. All i can do is send you healing for you emotions, love to surround  and support you, and let you know I am here for you even if i dont know how to help you at this moment. I feel for you and pray that clarity and advice will come to you so that you may find a way through this and come out wiser, stronger and filled with love  Your a good person Jean maybe you agreed to help her before you came here so you could both learn something important. I wish you all the best God bless you both

 

Love always Silver xoxo

I wrote a long reply to this last night and what happened - MSN ate it!!!!!!!!!!

 

Second Attempt

 

Silver and Chazz thank you both so much for your replies.I would never be offended by any answer that was given with love Silver.   She doesn't touch drugs at all now but she is seriously mentally ill because of the damage they previously caused. It is emotionally draining (Les usually goes back and forth to the hospital but when he is working away its my turn and he has been a while this time). I cannot explain how upsetting it is to have someone you love tell you that people are hurting them, breaking their bones etc but because they are Gods child their bones have repaired by the morning. That everyone in the world has had an easier life than them because in their mind they were tortured since the day they were born. She is jealous of Louise and Chloe but she is jealous of everyone in the world. 

Thanks again and sorry for hijacking your post Martine

Love Nova xxxxxxxx  

Hey Nova!!

It's never hyjacking!  THings are there for everyone to share and learn from.  I am so sorry to hear what you have had to endure all this time.  The situation you have with your step-daughter is identical to what we have with my aunt.  My aunt was a drug abuser who basically ended up metally ill herself (from the abuse).  She too is extremely jelous and blames everyone else for her sorry life.  Everyone has robbed her of her chances and well, she hates everyone for it.  She is all nice nice and wants to be friendly and nice and then BAM it's all about her and how you have destroyed her life bla bla bla.  Then if you don't respond, she goes to everyone else you know and cries on how she's been wronged and how eveil everyone is.....Crazy thing is that for a short while,t hese people will actually believe her becasue she is just soooo convincing.  But should they decide to walk the other way, she turns on them too..... a vicious cycle.

The thing I feel for in your case is that she is a daughter and well, we always feel responsible for our children.  My mother is older by much and had a hard time letting to since it was her baby sister....but in the end, there is only so much you can do to help and your responsiblity lies in assuring that Louise and Chloe are not effected by this.  If that means keeping a distance form your step-daughter, then it is acceptable.

If this post has spoken anything on the matter it's that sometimes you need to walk the other way and avoid reconciliation if it trully allows you to move on and forgive the other person.

My prayers are with you Nova...

Martine

Hi Martine

 

Thank you - yep you could have been describing Leeanne there. I will trundle along as I always do - I will get a break either when she hates me or when Les comes home whichever is first . I am expecting an "I'm so sorry" phonecall on Sunday night so I can take her up stuff on Monday and then she can bawl at me again - oh well such is life. But I know the fullmoon on Monday makes her worse so hopefully she will have calmed down by now...........

 

Love Nova xxxxxxxxxxx