Things Dogs Need To Remember

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up
when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge,
 behind the sofa or under the bed.

I must shake the rainwater out of my
fur before entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food,
before they eat it or after they throw it up.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces
of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, deer, etc.
 just because I like the way they smell.

"Kitty box crunchies,"
although they are tasty, are not food.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not chew my human's
 toothbrush and not tell them.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the
window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell.
I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my mom's underwear and
dance all over the backyard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel.
Neither are mom & dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not play tug-of-war with dad's
underwear when he's on the toilet.

I will not eat mint flavored dental floss 
out of the bathroom garbage to avoid having
 a string hanging out of my butt.

I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an
option after just getting a bath.

Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is
not an acceptable way of saying hello.

 I will not come in from outside and immediately
 drag my butt across the carpet.

I will not sit in the middle of the living room
and lick my crotch in front of company.

 Suddenly turning around and smelling
my butt can quickly clear a room.

The cat is not a squeaky toy,
so when I play with him and he makes that noise,
it's usually not a good thing.