Twas the night before Halloween, when all through the store
Customers came in dressed in costumes, from Vampires to Crackwhores.
The remaining Halloween items were stocked on the shelf without care,
Most of it thrown on the floor, like a bunch of retards had shopped there.
The associates were working, all snug in there polos and khakis,
Their old blue vests recycled into underwear, donated to oversees soldiers and Iraqis.
My Store Manager proud of the generous deed Wal-Mart had done,
Me thinking of shit-stains on the old blue vests, from soldiers with the runs.
When up at the service desk there arose such a clatter,
A woman wanting to return sweatpants, because they made her fat ass look even fatter.
Her children were crying and screaming and running,
The woman so obese, that she walked a little funny.
The CSM ran up to the entrance and got an electric shopping cart,
With a seat that smelled like urine, and disabled peoples' farts.
"You'll be more comfortable in this", she said, "And you can relax as you roam,
We'll gladly give you a refund, just please leave the poor service desk associate alone".
The fat woman relented, and sat in the chair,
"Okay kids we're going to Womens Wear, so mommy can buy some thong underwear.
On Frankie, on Bobby, on Susie and Cass,
If you kids don't behave I'm gonna paddle your ass!"
Her chair started forward, with a groan and a stutter,
"I don't think that electric cart is gonna make it", a cashier quietly muttered.
She rode off through Softlines, knocking clothes onto the ground,
"Kids go shoplift mommy some candy bars, just make sure no employees are around".
On the roof above my department, I heard a strange noise,
So I went and got the associate that was working in toys.
The roof hatch was ripped open, with a metal-scraping sound,
And down the ladder into the store, came Sam Walton with a bound.
His flesh was all rotten, his eyes empty black pits,
"I've come back from the dead", he cackled, "To torment you lazy shits".
A bag full of coaching forms, was slung over his back,
"You assholes have ruined my company, and I'm here to take it back!"
"We work hard", we responded, "It's the Home Office you should haunt,
We bust our asses for this company, Lee Scott's the asshole that you want.
Your company is being run by idiots and by fools,
They come up with incredibly stupid ideas, and incomprehensibly stupid rules".
"Wage caps, no merit raises, store managers that treat us like slaves,
We do the work of three people, while every second of overtime must be shaved.
We have no cashiers, no stockers, but still do a hundred-million in sales,
We run around like rats, with managements' foot on our tails.
Mr. Sam let out a roar, "This was never my plan.
Respect for the individual, every woman, every man!
Everyone used to work together, morale was so high,
I'll tear out Lee Scott's heart, and laugh as I watch him die!"
"I'll show up with Ol' Roy at the next Stakeholders' Meeting,
He'll bite every executive on the ass, while I give them a beating".
Then I'll go find my spoiled children, and scream 'What have you done?'
Hoarding all my hard-earned money, while the associates get none!"
"Then I'll put someone in charge, who cares about the associates that do all the work,
And health coverage everyone can afford, from management to sales clerk.
And we're going to pay a decent wage, so the stores can all be fully staffed",
When he saw the disbelief on our faces, he floated back to the roof with a laugh.
He threw down two pins, saying "It aint much but it's a start",
Then we heard the roaring of his pickup truck, and what had to be Ol' Roy's bark.
We looked at the pins, showing sparkling letters in bold,
Stating "Every employee is a treasure, more valuable than gold".
Sam drove off the roof, his pickup flying through the air,
Setting a course for Arkansas, and the Home Office located there.
I thought I heard him yell, his voice drifting away,
"Ol' Roy get my shotgun, hunting season opens today".
I looked at my coworker, was it all just a dream?
Did I eat some tainted beef, that made things different than they seemed?
The associate looked back at me, mouth widening in a grin,
And attached to her name badge, Sam's gift of the pin.
The lights all went out, over the intercom I heard that familiar voice,
"This is Mr. Sam, and I appreciate that working for Wal-Mart was your choice.
Things are going to be different, now that Mr. Sam's back in town,
I'm going to reward you all for your hard work, and I promise I won't let you down".
"They'll be no more crap from China, we're bringing back Made in the USA,
It may cost a little more, but that's a price I'm willing to pay.
We're not going to build anymore stores, until the ones we have are running well,
And if the Board of Directors don't like it, I'll send them all to Hell".
Then the lights came back on, seeming to burn brighter than before,
And that old familiar face was back, travelling through the store.
The big yellow Smiley-face, bringing happiness and cheer,
Slashing the prices, from tampons to beer.
"It's good to have you back", I called with a grin,
He said, "I wanted to come back, but Lee Scott wouldn't let me in".
He distributed to all the associates, the same pin I got from Mr. Sam,
To the management he gave, Creamed Shit-in-a-can.
We all went back to work, with a new lightness in our step,
Our future seemed brighter, maybe there was hope for Wal-Mart yet.
The fat lady in the electric cart and her kids, then exited the store out of sight,
Her kids' pockets full of shoplifted candy, their Trick or Treating for the night.
"Run Frankie, run Bobby, run Susie, run Cass!
If you get caught by security, it's Juvenile Hall for your ass!"
They all climbed into a minivan and sped away, rejoicing in their luck,
They then ran through a red light, and were hit by a Wal-Mart truck.
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