Vermont Jokes

Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

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You know you're from northern Vermont when:

You've taken your kids trick-or-treating during a blizzard.

You only own three spices- salt, pepper and ketchup.

You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.

The mosquitoes have landing lights.

You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.

The local Hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.

Making it home during Mud Season is a competitive sport.

You think everyone from the city has an accent.

You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

Your snow-blower gets stuck on the roof.

You think the start of deer hunting season is a national holiday.

You head south to go to your cottage.

You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

The town officials greet you on the street by your first name.

There is only one shopping plaza in town.

The major parish fundraiser isn't bingo- its sausage making.

You find -20F a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

You attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots.

You can play road hockey on skates.

Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.

You know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.

The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus.

You actually 'relate' to these jokes, and forward them to all your Northern friends.

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Vermont: Bet ya can't name 2 of our towns

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Party In Vermont

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far away from humanity as possible.

Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin!"

"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin', too."

Darn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some kissin' at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear to the party?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says: "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us!"

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Dumb Vermont Laws

Whistling underwater is illegal

At one time it was illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole.

Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

Barre

All residents shall bathe every Saturday night.