Step 9 of the 12 steps

I swallow my pride, and sincerely apologize to people I've hurt, except when it would be counterproductive

Original wording (AA):
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Actual apologies

There's a difference between Step Eight and Step Nine. It lies in the fact that Step Nine is about actually apologizing.

Instead of being essentially in a conversation with yourself, you are now facing another person. A person you have hurt, and who is probably not favorably disposed toward you. There is the possibility that this person just doesn't get it, is still very resentful, makes fun of your attempts... Just the thought of it makes it harder to apologize.

It's tempting to think: "What really counts is that I resolved things inside. I figured out what I've done wrong, I've become ready and willing to make apologies. So why bother actually confronting another person, and submit myself to reactions that are beyond my control?"

The freedom of new beginnings

A big change happens, inside you, after you genuinely apologize to somebody you’ve hurt.

Before you apologize: You can't tell people you are sorry because you feel it would mean admitting you're wrong -- this threatens your position in an unbearable way.

After you apologize: you now see that you can still exist and feel safe in a world in which you have taken the risk of feeling sorry for something you did.

This is what this whole process is about.

When is it appropriate?

It may be quite difficult to figure out when it is appropriate to rock the boat, and when it is inappropriately hurtful to others.

This is OK - welcome to the real world, where choices are not necessarily simple. This is very much the essence of the growing process exemplified by the Serenity Prayer. You want to acquire the wisdom to know the difference between when to accept things and when to fight for change. You acquire this wisdom through trial and error.

It's useful to think of this Step as a guiding principle, as opposed to a recipe that you must follow blindly. There's no guarantee you'll be absolutely right, beyond reproach, if you follow this step. Instead, you have to figure out how it applies to your situation; this engages your conscious attention and helps you learn by trial and error.

You may be making a mistake in making apologies to people you shouldn't. On the other hand, you may be erring by being too cautious... So, you experiment.

Here's one way to look at it. If apologizing is a way to make you feel smug and superior (like playing a game of "I'm a better person than you"), then it's probably not appropriate. Conversely, it is appropriate when it is a way to build a bridge to the other person, to feel closer.