Chapter 1

I sat in the bath, the water’s warmth was long gone and my fingers were wrinkled at the tips. The draught from the open window behind me made the air even colder. I shivered as the droplets of water from my damp hair trickled down my spine, I was freezing, but didn’t care, because as long as I was cold, I was numb. I splashed my face to rid my cheeks of the lingering tears, but they were soon replaced with new ones when I broke down again, asking myself why everyone hated me. It was something that I never knew the answer to and I guess, something that I never really wanted to know. But I had my own reasons to hate, reasons that they would never find.

I pulled the plug from the bath and watched the level of the water fall, exposing the rest of me to the coldness of the air. My shaking hand turned the hot tap on full and then the plug was replaced. I could feel the temperature changing, from cold to warm and warm to hot, but it was never too hot, it couldn’t be too hot. Steam rose from the tub and the water was scorching; it made my skin tingle from my toes right up to my chest. Whenever I moved the tingling came in jolts through that part of me, but it wasn’t painful, simply the realisation that I was human. I could feel. The bath was nearly full so the tap was turned off again. No cold water was needed. Not for me.

I looked at my thighs and wasn’t surprised to see that the paleness of my skin had disappeared, they were red raw, along with the rest of me except for my face. Even the veins on my hands stuck out a mile from the heat and I could feel the blood pulsing through my head, as though I might explode. I felt dizzy and panicked a little - just for a second, but a glance in one of the mirrors which were a constant reminder of who I had become, was enough to make me crave what I was doing even more.

And then, it struck me. The razor on the side of the bath caught my eye�?Oh yes, this was it. My heart pounded - it was wrong, I shouldn’t do it, but I had to. I grabbed it and began to press it against my arm, twisting as I went. The feeling made me clench my fists, trying not to scream out loud that pain was what I needed. Real pain. I smiled when I saw the crimson droplets reach the surface. Maybe I was crazy then.

I couldn’t explain the feeling it gave me, such adrenalin, power, freedom. But I feared it. It felt so wrong and yet so right at the same time. I felt that I deserved it, I needed it and it was what everyone else had given me, but in a different form.

For years, I had been made to feel as though I was not quite good enough to be part of something that was worth being a part of. I’d always wanted what I could never have, or was the last to get what everyone else had already got. Now it was my time to be in control, I could say what I did and how I did it and there was no one else to stop me or tell me any different. I was fed up of being the one that everyone looked down upon. I didn’t want to feel stupid anymore. I wanted people to notice me for the right reasons and most of all, I wanted it to be ok to be me�?But that wasn’t possible now.

“Jesus, you stupid f**k, what d’ya think you’re lookin�?at?�?I spat in the mirror. “No wonder they hate you, look at the state of you!�?/P>

I leant back in the bath - the water swilling over my skin. As I closed my eyes I could see them again. Their voices rang loud and clear in my head. “FREAK!�?they yelled, “Oh my God look at her!�?/P>

I cried again. How did it come to this?