Chapter 8

There was one occasion that I will always remember which puts my desperation into perspective. How far one child can go to inflict the pain they feel onto others�?And how that desperation can escalate into something much deeper.

A holiday is meant to be for families. Smiley, happy people who enjoy spending time together. But I often wonder how anyone could enjoy spending time with me when I was young because all I did was embarrass or annoy and at the worst of times, hurt, unless it was one of those rare occurrences where I did feel like a normal child with everything I could wish for. Like I said though, that was a very rare occurrence.

Mum and Chris had bought a caravan so we could have weekends away without the stress of having to book anywhere or have any worries about extra costs. At the drop of a hat we could just up and go. The idea sounded great until it was put into practice. Our first time away in the caravan was to Cornwall, a great place right by the sea - we’d been once before with a trailer tent, which was just a tent which packed away into a trailer (quite a cool invention, and yet, utterly pointless when it rains!) - but we thought we’d try a different area and stay in a caravan park. Bless the other people who had to share that holiday with us!

I remember packing everything into our new, temporary “home�?to be for a fortnight and Mum worrying about the fact that it might not be weighted evenly. The car pulled of the drive with me, Laura and Carla rammed in the back with two double duvets and three cushions, Chris questioning how busy the roads could be at three o clock in the morning and Mum panicking about whether or not the caravan would still be in one piece by the time we reached the other side of England. As you can tell, my Mum worried a lot!

At the three o clock in the morning though it’s safe to say that most roads in England are pretty dead! There were hardly any cars in sight…Well for the first couple of hours of our journey anyway - not sure about the rest because I think I fell asleep. It was bloody warm in the back seat though!! What do you expect with all those covers and three lots of body-heat?! No wonder we were all sleepy when it was like being in a sauna! I think everyone was pretty relieved when I started “catching flies�?though (as my Mum used to call it, which means falling asleep with your mouth open!) because for most of the way beforehand, I’d been asking “are we there yet?�?every ten minutes and pleading to play “I spy…�?when no one else wanted to because there wasn’t much to see in the dark on a straight road with nothing but trees beside it!

Every so often the radio station would need changing when we passed another place and the signal was low. If we got desperate enough a tape would be shoved in the player. After three hundred miles, listening to the fuzz of a not-quite-tuned-in radio or the same three tapes over and over again was just no fun! At first we all sang along to 911 but when you’ve sang the same song five or six times, there’s just no emotion!

I can’t help but smile when I think of that and even though I was asleep for quite some time, waking up to the same song when you know you’ve been asleep for a while is just a little frightening! It kind of makes you think “oh my God, where am I?�?

Again though, I think Mum, Chris, Laura and Carla were even more scared when nine times out of ten, the first thing I said when I woke from each sleep was “are we there yet?�?or “Mum, I need a wee!�?Their favourite saying was usually “Emma, change the record!!�?or “Cross your legs, we’ve only got so many miles to the services!�?/P>

After the four hundred miles of fuzzy radio stations, droning music and “Mum I need a wee�?Are we there yet?�?everyone wanted out of that car! It was as if the whole piece of atmosphere we were placed in breathed a sigh of relief (including the caravan!).

We reached our caravan park at about 7 o clock in the morning�?Only to find that we had to wait until it opened at 8! It was just our luck. So, the perfect solution? We all sat outside the car on the grass and ate a pot noodle for breakfast! Haha, marvellous! After munching my way through that and crossing my legs even tighter because I was now completely desperate (which is an understatement may I add) for the loo, I was EXTATIC to be able to go into the caravan park!

That all changed though when the heavens decided to open just as we were getting out the car. We had an awning to put up - this was not the weather to do it in! The only useful thing I could do at that point was take cover and stay dry, so I did!

It didn’t take us too long though, thankfully! From that moment on I did hardly anything more than moan! It was either too cold, I was hungry or I just generally felt like being a complete pain in the backside! I was never happy with anything really, something was always wrong with me or whatever we were doing at the time.

Our holiday started with exploring the site and what there was to do in such a small place crammed with so many people and “homes on wheels�? All I remember was a long road with speed bumps leading to a “Crazy Golf�?site (mini golf in other words) and a few shops. The reason why the shops are so vivid in my mind is because me, Laura and Carla went there nearly every day to buy huge sticks of sherbet and chocolate cigarettes! I’d sit there and pretend to smoke one as I’d seen my Mum and Chris do so many times, taking long drags on my paper-covered sweet and exhaling deep breaths of nothing. I didn’t know what a cigarette tasted like and I hated the smell, but didn’t care, because at 8, I thought I looked posh. Why they made sweets out of something like that I will never know.

We did play Crazy Golf once or twice while we were there; which of course, I lost, and which of course resulted in me sulking for the rest of the day. We also visited somewhere called Kynance Cove; a beautiful place on the coast. The weather was red hot, we built sand castles, ate plenty of ice cream and Laura dug a massive moat near where we were sitting. She then decided it needed to be filled with water and made umpteen trips down to the sea and back with a bucket! I sat on the rocks and watched her - I also had my photo taken in the same spot, which we still have somewhere! I think Laura’s moat would have been a landmark of our day out if the family with about 7 children between them hadn’t have come along and walked straight through the middle! Laura was less than impressed I can tell you!

We also went fishing in the sea�?Which was absolutely hilarious! We each took it in turns to hold the line and reel in a fish if we caught one. Chris reeled it in first so he could show us how to do it and there on the end, as expected was a fish. I remember watching it flap and being terrified that Chris might let go and it would come hurling in my direction. I didn’t like the look of it and it smelt�?Fishy. We had a big yellow bucket in the middle of our boat for any catches. In this one went. Mum’s turn. Another catch! At the point, after ten minutes of the first fish being caught and held hostage in our big yellow bucket, it was still flapping like a mad woman! At one point it did actually tip the bucket over - which nearly freed him and his mate to be flapping round our boat, which nobody was too keen on I can tell you!! The perfect solution? We used Mamma’s raincoat to cover the bucket. Carla wasn’t pleased. You see, Mamma had allowed Carla to borrow the coat for the holiday, which Carla now refused to touch, never mind wear!

“I’m not wearin�?that when they’ve been flapping round all over it!�?I think were her exact words!

Everyone had had a turn to catch something�?So far there were three fish under our Grandmother’s anorak in our big yellow bucket�?Could I make it a fourth? I held the line tightly, wrapped around the back of my hand five or six times just to make sure. “Whatever you do,�?Chris had told me for the millionth time, “don’t let go, and if you cant pull it in on your own, tell me!�?/P>

I felt something tug gently on the line�?“Chriiiis�?Oooohhh, there’s something there!�?

“Right ok, now just wait to see if it bites on hard enough for you to pull it in.�?/P>

I felt another tug�?This time harder.

“I think it’s bit it!�?I smiled.

“Right ok�?Now hold the line and pull it in gently�?/P>

I started pulling the line in slowly�?It was going well. The fish was still under water.

I pulled a bit more�?A bit more�?

I could see it skimming the water now. The line was getting harder to pull - it felt heavy. The fish flapped frantically on the other end. I tried to pull it in myself. I didn’t want to appear weak (even though everyone knew damn right I was due to the fact that I only weight about 4 stone!). I pulled more, harder, until I could feel the muscles in the top of my arms bursting. I did my best to keep a happy expression on my face, not one of “hell this thing’s heavy!�?I could feel my bum sliding off my seat every now and again. This time it happened and my feet squeaked on the floor�?I gave in�?“Chriiiis�?Can you help me please, I can’t do it!�?/P>

“You can,�?he said as he wrapped his hand gently around the line just outside the boat.

I pulled even more now some of the tension had gone. Chris was just like my support fisherman! The fish came closer and closer until I could hear it flapping loudly and it was at the side of the boat!

“I DID IT!�?I whaled.

“See, now what did I tell you?�?Chris smiled as he lifted it over the side and placed it in the bucket with the rest.

“Eurgh!�?Carla said, “I’m definitely NOT wearing that now!�?/P>

We caught four fish that day, two of which we barbequed and ate for supper. It was nice, but strange to eat something you know you‘ve caught and was alive until we came along. Part of me felt mean for doing so but Mum tried to make me feel better by telling me it’s just how we have fish and chips from the chip shop, only other people catch the fish for you and the people at the chip shop just batter them. It didn’t make me feel any better in the slightest - especially not to know that the crispy golden fish that Chris sometimes had was actually like the ones in our bucket. We did let two of the fish back into the sea though which did help.

It was a lovely holiday and I do remember it like it was yesterday but like most of my memories of the nice times, it was shadowed by my own act of selfishness.

I hated Mum and Chris being “lovey-dovey�?- I don’t know why, jealousy I suppose, but every time I saw them holding hands or kissing or Chris with his arm around her, I’d feel a burning in my stomach and my heart would race. Sometimes in public, I would make a show of myself just to make them pay because it felt as though my Mum wasn’t being shared equally. (Which, as a child, meant that I didn’t have her all to myself). At other times I used to try and act normal, whatever normal was for me, whilst biting my tongue in order to stop myself. If I wasn’t screaming and shouting though, I usually kept a very close eye on them, making a point of how disgusted I was with the look on my face. It never changed anything though because they loved each other. I sometimes wonder how things could have been if only I’d have learnt that a lot quicker than I did.

Maybe a lot of things would have been different? I don’t know. But I am certain that I would have saved my Mum and Chris a lot of tears and sleepless nights�?Even on holiday I couldn’t keep my obvious feelings under lock and key. This time though, it spiralled out of any boundaries.

Bedtime soon came. It was arranged that Laura and Carla would sleep in the awning and Mum, Chris and I would sleep in the caravan. Simple?�?Not when I was involved it wasn’t. I’d never seen Mum and Chris go to sleep together before and it bothered me - it bothered me a hell of a lot - and my God did I make that clear. No one was going to sleep tonight if things didn’t go my way! (That included the rest of the caravan site!)

I sat in the middle of the floor (what floor space there was anyway) and screamed, tears streaming down my face; I don’t know whether they were due to anger or the fact that I was afraid because I was so angry. As usual reasoning wasn’t an option.

“Emma, you’re sleeping there, so do as you’re told!�?/P>

“NO I’M NOT!�?/P>

“Yes, you are! Get in bed!�?My Mum yelled, pointing to the bunk-bed which looked like it’d be thrown together in the dark.

“NO!�?was my answer - the bunk-bed was in a cupboard! I didn’t know whether to think that was cool or not, but I wasn’t sleeping in it, if they were sleeping in the caravan too!

I remember Laura and Carla just being stood by the door in their pyjamas and dressing gowns, glancing at each other as if to say “when do you think’s the best time to do a runner?!�?It’s quite funny now when I think back - enough to bring a smile to my face, but at the time it wasn’t.

“Me and Chris are going to sleep here.�?/P>

“NO YOU’RE NOT!�?I screeched.

“Emma, just calm down!!�?Chris shouted.

“NOOOO!�?I stood up and grabbed the nearest thing I could find; a knife. Blistering rage bubbled in my veins. I pressed it on my arm, “I’m gonna slit my wrists ‘cause I hate you an�?I wish you’d go to the moon and never come back!!!!�?/P>

I was red-faced and my cheeks were streaked with tears, but I got what I wanted. Mum and Chris slept in the awning. Luckily the knife I picked up was only a butter knife and I’m glad my wish never came true.

As I said, it was a lovely holiday. When it suited me.

I wasn’t a bad person though; I’m not exactly sure what I was but I know I wasn’t bad. Bad people are always bad. Bad people go to prison for unthinkable crimes and do things that humans aren’t meant to contemplate. I was an 8 year old girl who missed her Dad and hated too much due to misunderstanding. That doesn’t make me a bad person.

Just when you thought our holiday couldn’t get any worse than that, Carla snapped the aerial from the boot of our car the day after which would have been the second day of our 2 week break�?Now to you that may not seem such a terrible thing - and admittedly it wasn’t while we were still on holiday, but when you have a 400 mile drive back home listening to the same tape of boy band songs, with not even a choice of a fuzzy radio station anymore, THAT is when you know just how much an aerial can mean!!

It wouldn’t be so bad, but as children, breaking things was what Carla was known for. She certainly proved her point that time!!

To this day the whole incident in the caravan still gets brought up sometimes at family get-togethers and the odd joke is made about what happened. That’s not always easy to deal with because I’m not proud of it, but that’s just the way things were. I do regret some of the things I did as a child, without a doubt, but if I had the choice to go back and change it I don’t think I would. Without my experiences in life I wouldn’t be who I am, which would mean that a completely different person would have to write this book.

And besides�?My Mum has been on worse holidays than this one - but that’s a whole different story altogether!