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| | (1 recommendation so far) | Message 1 of 13 in Discussion |
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One eye fixed upon the clock your hands around the cup steam and frosty air meeting matching breath for breath. A child calls then screams it's anger rent upon the air as futile mother hugs can quell storms but not a toddlers ire. Catch me quick the sun calls and hides behind a cloud the clock still ticks as coffee gently cools. Catch the bus, the plane the train take me from this hell running shoes are made to run while the clock ticks and time become undone. |
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...'if you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting, time after time...' (Cyndi Lauper)...sp ?
I like this quirky little piece Emma - take me away from this madding crowd why don't you ?...which of us has never felt like just upping and outing at some point in our lives ?
A poets poem I'd say. Well done.
: )lb |
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this is one of those poems (for me) best read at-pace (kinda quicker and straight through - with appropriate pauses at each stanza) - i like that kinda poem - it's a skill to write one that 'works' this one's great! thanks Emma, m |
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One eye fixed upon the clock (comma)
your hands around the cup (something needed?)
steam and frosty air
meeting matching breath for breath.
A child calls then screams
it's anger rent upon the air (its)
as futile mother hugs (semi colon?)
can quell storms
but not a toddlers ire.(toddler's)
Catch me quick ((comma?)
the sun calls
and hides behind a cloud (semi colon or full stop)
the clock still ticks
as coffee gently cools.
Catch the bus, the plane the train (again, some sort of punctuation at the end)
take me from this hell
running shoes are made to run (comma)
while the clock ticks
and time become undone.
Message ace, but you nees a few bits of punctuation here - see above. Will make it read better (already a good poem, but can be made better IMO) Ann
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............picky picky.........
; )lb |
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| Yeah well, good poetry deserves good punctuation to make it read well...... |
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yeah...just like a good orgasm needs a good ooh and a meaningful aah.....but even without the sound effects it's kinda' ok...maybe ?
btw....I love you too...
: )lb |
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| yeah, kinda ok - but with a tweak here and there, well....whooha.....Emma, get writing......(with thanks to lib!) (and you, l'bill, thanks!) |
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Thanks everyone, this was a bit of an experiment in speed writing hence the lack of punctuation - just a quickie poem - enjoyed the banter though on this thread. Emma |
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| | From:  Zydha | Sent: 10/30/2005 12:15 AM |
That so needed 'time out', I can relate to this really well, Emma. Very smoothly executed as a speed piece. Sometimes I like to use puntuation, sometimes I don't, a lot depends on the genre and the cadence. I think this works pretty well as is, Zy |
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| | | Sent: 10/30/2005 12:31 AM |
| This message has been deleted due to termination of membership. |
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Thanks Zy, Like you, I often write straight to the screen - I get an idea and just want to get it down before I lose the momentum - hence spelling errors and lack of punctuation - it doesn't mean I won't necessarily go back to it and refine it - but I do like the enjoyment of quickly expressing a thought. Emma |
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Thanks Clive, Glad you liked - I'm slowly (I hope) finding inspiration again for writing - I think that flu rather zapped my creative output - but feeling better now - the mind is beginning to stir again lol Emma |
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