~The title of the essay caught my eye, but then I decided that the message may help someone in need. I added it on here in case anyone is going through a situation like this... Much love! ~Knyghtskye. P.S. Many Thanks to Wyrmwood for his site: Paganmen.com~

You've just separated from your partner. There are kids involved, and now you find out that she is an obsessive controller. What do you do?

This is a situation that I went through (and still am). Kids are worth fighting for however. If you let them go, you will spend the rest of your life regretting it. Its been three years since I separated from my ex but we are only just *starting* to make progress as far as residency (custody) goes. But don't let that turn you off. 

You thought things were going smoothly with separation (despite the heartache or angst). She was allowing you access to the kids and being civil, then everything suddenly goes wrong. She accuses you of violent things. She harasses you, calls you names, believes you are a bad father, believes things about you that aren't true and have no basis anywhere with reality. What's going on? Chances are is that she has control issues and has had her own problems being a parent - so rather than take responsibility for her own actions, she finds someone else to blame: you. 

This is going to be the most trying time of your life. There will be times you may consider just letting the kids go because the strain is too much. Don't. They are worth fighting for. They have rights - and although they can't fight for them themselves, they will look to you (and their mother) to do the best by them. If their mother can't do the best by them (which includes allowing the children to establish a decent relationship with their father), then you are going to have to work even harder. But it is worth it in the end. 

Don'ts: harass, get angry, do anything illegal, do anything along the lines of physical or verbal abuse. This will only work against you in the end. 

Do: get yourself a solicitor with expertise in Family Law (expensive but worth it - will mention more later), keep a diary of any interactions you have with your ex or your kids (believe me, you will thank your stars for the effort), look to support from your friends (especially ones with kids themselves), keep focused on what's important (your quality time with your children). 

I ended up having to get a solicitor because my ex went from being relatively civil where she was 'allowing' me access 2 nights and a day a week, to nothing (as our daughter was apparently showing separation anxiety when with my ex - and for good reason, but nothing to do with me.) My solicitor was able to reestablish contact within the week, and work towards orders that now give me access (residency) 6 days and nights a fortnight. It is now illegal for my ex to withhold access from me. I know I would have regretted it had I not worked hard to enable my daughter to spend a reasonable amount of time with me to establish a good parent-child relationship. 

If you are interested in the welfare of your children, and have had a reasonable amount of involvement in their upbringing to date, and have no evidence against you that you might be a bad father or are abusive, etc, then the courts don't usually see a problem with the father having 50% (of course, this depends on which city and country you are in). I am in Canberra - and the Family Court isn't as scary as I once thought. Getting interim orders (then Final orders) is necessary if you have an ex with control issues. If you want to chat more with me on this, then I am happy to do so. If my experience can help you, then ask away !

If you are starting to think that your ex is the pinnacle of evil, is cruel or vindictive, or trying to sabotage your relationship with your kids, then she is likely to have control issues. My ex has control issues, is paranoid, delusional, and has no problems bending the truth to suit her. I wish I was exaggerating. I now feel sorry for her, because she feels that she has to prove that she is a good mother, and as a consequence of that, she now feels that she has to prove me a bad father. Fortunately I have a lot of support, and affidavits if I need them from friends who are parents who have seen me interact or look after their kids. These sort of safety nets help me to sleep better at night, despite her threats.

Sometimes I have thought about using magick against my ex. The best magick I can do, however, is to improve my shields, address *my* issues (which will help me in the fight against her), and wish on her healing energies. Anything else would work against me. 

If you are feeling like she is getting to you, center yourself, understand that she is likely to have a mental illness that is affecting her, and act for the interests of your children. You can do nothing more. It will take at least a few years with you resisting her control methods before she begins to relax a bit. I'm currently going through mediation (through the free services of the Conflict Resolution Center) with my ex and finding that we are making slow but painful progress.

Yes her control issues are coming out, but the mediation is somewhere I can I compromise to her unreasonableness on my terms (even if it makes her feel a bit more secure, it will make things easier in the long term), and can do so in a non-confrontational environment. Where I can't compromise, I draw a line and tell her why. She might not like it, but that's just too bad. Its not for her or for me that I'm at these mediation sessions. Its for my kid.

The best thing you can do is to try to show her that you're not her enemy. But don't try too hard. Control issues means that nothing you do will be ever good enough for her. Remember that and you will survive this.

Prayers and meditation can help. But only ask for good and healing energies. Anything else and you are unlikely to find satisfaction. Go for walks if you find meditation difficult (walking meditation). Center yourself. Step back from the picture and see what is really important, and what is just dust and debris.

hoping that these words have helped

good luck

Wyrmwood