This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95. CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.  British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated." "What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given 2 pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?" Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds" Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!" General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds" Soldier 3: "The tip of me dick to me balls, sahr!" General: "That's a strange request, but drop your trousers, son! As the general begins the measurement: "My god, son, where are your balls?" Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"  A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened. "Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!' He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!'" "We were standing there shaking hands in the middle of the road when the truck hit us."  A salty Navy Chief and a crusty Army First Sergeant are at a bar arguing about who had the tougher career. "I did 30 years in the Rangers," the SFC declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a Staff Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire at night. In a fire-fight, we'd shoot until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!" Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing. Then after a deliberately long, slow drink, the Chief says, "Yeah, figures... all shore duty."  Q: Why do Paras walk around wearing headphones?
A: Breathe in... Breathe out...Breathe in... Breathe out... This is a true story that was published in the Reader's Digest: A young recruit who had just joined was asked to fall in. As the corporal was asking their names he got very mad. "Are you taking the piss, boy?" "No corporal," replied the recruit. After a long time and a lot of research the corporal came back and said "Nightingale, never stand next to Florance again!"  Q: What's the definition of a dope ring?
A: 12 US marines in a circle.  A sergeant was addressing a squad of 20 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest." 19 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?" The man replied: "Too much trouble, sarge."  A major is walking along with his aide. As young squaddies salute him he says "Same to you". His aide asks why he is saying this. He replies: "I was a squaddie once. I know what they're thinking when they salute me."  During an exercise, a sign on a bridge tells everyone "This bridge is destroyed". The exercise commences, and the Brig Gen scans around with his binoculars. Suddenly, he sees a line of soldiers walking over the closed bridge! The General jumps in his Jeep and races down the hill to the bridge to have a word with these subjects. As he approaches, he can see that the first soldier in line carries a poster: "We swim".  Once upon a time, there was a famous MP patrol in Naples, Italy: a big soldier, accompanied by his much smaller (140cm) partner. They were out every time something really hot was up, like bringing some drunken Marines in. It was a mystery for everybody: Why the hell did the big fella bring this dwarf along if things were looking bad? Wouldn't he want another big 'un to back him up? One day they plucked up courage to ask the big guy. The answer was simple: "Imagine you're a Marine, you've been on your ship for three months, and it's your first night ashore. You are drunk, you want a girl, and suddenly the MP comes to bring you back to your ship. You're pissed and ready for a fight. And then you look and you see two guys, one big, and one very small. Tell me, which one would you hit?"  |
Free Forum Hosting
Important Announcement
First 