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A Giggle a day to keep the jiggle away Did you know as little as 15 minutes of daily laughter can burn up to 40 calories? Giggling cuts stress-hormone levels
Giggling bolster the immune system
Giggling just makes you feel good So Share those jokes with us but keep them clean.  | | | | | | | |
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Bottle of Wine For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine.
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side ofthe road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine...got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade." |
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| | From:  tersn | Sent: 12/20/2007 9:41 PM |
Heck yes! Good Trade Indeed!
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Giggles 4 - U
Date: Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:08:04 -0800
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Giggles 4 - U
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| From: LadyMajykWhisperingOwl |
Bottle of Wine
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine.
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side ofthe road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine...got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade." | |
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The best games are on Xbox 360. Click here for a special offer on an Xbox 360 Console. Get it now! |
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The owner of a drug store walks into his store one day to find a guy wide-eyed and leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the clerk: "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."
The owner, gets all excited and shouts: "You idiot!! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!!" The clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough!!!" |
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Weeweechu
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang..... "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
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| | | From: Qyzida | Sent: 12/22/2007 5:26 PM |
Amazing Stress management tool <evil grin> Lady Qyzida |
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Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise programme!
SCROLL DOWN.............
NOW SCROLL UP..
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a glass of wine!
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A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" . . . . . . . . . . . ."Because you got an F in sex." |
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WORDS WOMEN SAY.... | FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. | | | | FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade. | | | | NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine" | | |
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a
woman getting upset over "Nothing" and
will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because
I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow
"Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by
"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in
about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
| | | | | LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". | | | | SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. | | | | THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's
Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. | | | | PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell thetruth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay". | | | | THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome. | | | | THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say,
"Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing | |
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| THE WAY CHILDREN SEE THINGS! THIS IS WHY WE LOVE THEM SO NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock,
I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,
"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the
garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom
and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming
little smile,
"We better throw this one out too then,
'Cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his Teacher a note from
his Mother. The note read,
"The opinions expressed by my son are not
necessarily those of his Parents."
KETCHUP
A Woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then
she added,
"Mommy can't come to the! phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the Women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
"What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchair! s, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered
"The Tooth Fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her Parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of ! school. "I'm just wasting
my time," she said to her Mother.
"I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called
out." What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice! , he answered,
"I think it's Adam's underwear
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Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling: "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
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EVER WONDER Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? |
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You know you're addicted to coffee when..... - You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You sleep with your eyes open.
- You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
- The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
- You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
- You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
- You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
- You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- You channel surf faster without a remote.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You help your dog chase its tail.
- You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
- Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
- You ski uphill.
- You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
- You answer the door before people knock.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
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WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE WOMANS STORY
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine.
Dear Diary...
For my 50th birthday this year, my husband purchased a week of personal
training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great
shape since playing on my college tennis team 30 years ago, I decided it
would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Joe, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased
with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress...
MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Joe waiting for
me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!
Joe gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after
five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was
so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic
outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Joey was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to
be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Joe
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -- then he
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Joey's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT!!
It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Joe was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members.
His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he
scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Joe put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Joe told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some
other shit too.
THURSDAY
Joe was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Joe took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran
and hid in the ladies room. He sent Muffy to find me. Then, as
punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY
I hate that dick, Joe, more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Joe wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the **** barbells or anything that weighs more
than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY
Joe left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of
the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
hysterectomy. |
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