Forever Changed

Can you see the change in me?
It may not seem so obvious to you.
I participate in family activities.
I attend family reunions.
I can plan family holidays.
You tell me you are glad to see
that I don't cry anymore.
But I do cry!

When everyone has gone,
when it is safe, the tears fall.
I cry in privacy so my family doesn't worry.
I cry until I'm exhausted and I can finally sleep.

You tell me you admire my strength
and my positive attitude.
But I am not strong.
I feel that I have lost control;
and I panic when I think about tomorrow...
next week... next year.

I go about the routine of my job.
I do what I have to do, and I even smile.

You tell me you're glad to see I'm "over"
the death of my loved one.
But I'm not "over" it.
If I get over it I will be the same
as before my loved one died.
I will never be the same.

At times I think I am beginning to heal.
But the pain of losing someone I loved so much
has left a permanent scar on my heart.

I visit my neighbors.
You tell me that you're glad to see I'm holding up so well.
Sometimes I want to lock the door and hide from the world.

I spend time with friends.
I seem calm and collected.
I smile when appropriate.
You tell me its good to see me back to "my old self."
But I will never be back to "my old self"
Death and grief have touched my life
and I am forever changed.

~Author Unknown ~