Our First Year

James was born on August 31, 1978 and died of complications of juvenile insulin dependent diabetes and hypoxic encephalopathy after being removed from life support on March 26, 2002. My life was shattered and I had no idea how to continue. How would my husband, daughter, and myself ever begin to deal with his loss? I started a journal shortly after James’ death and continued to write in it. I sat down and really read my writing’s on what was the first anniversary of James death and was amazed how much we had gone through and how far we had come.

For those of you whose pain is new, whose sorrow seems endless and whose lives seem so empty, this article may not mean much to you at this time. After James death, I tossed articles and books aside and thought that is your story, and I have mine. All I knew or understood was my pain and grief and I had no room for anyone elses. I couldn’t take comfort in others stories. My hope and prayer is that at some point and time you will be able to read this and know you are not alone in what you feel and think as you try to come to terms with your loss.

Guilt is one feeling that I thought would never go away. It is amazing how often I am still overcome with guilt, and how many different reasons I have to feel it. In the beginning, I felt guilty for even being able to function, I did not realize at that time that I was numb. It was the way my body helped me to cope until I could handle the feelings that were so overwhelming. I felt guilty for doing OK, eventually I realized that the bad days come soon enough and I could accept the OK days as a reprieve. I felt guilty for laughing, for having fun, for putting James things away, for not crying on days when I felt I should and for crying when I did.

The times that you feel guilty may not be rational to those who haven’t experienced the loss, but if you feel it, it is a valid feeling you have to deal with and work through it. You can’t let it eat you up inside, sooner or later you have to let the guilt go, but not because someone tells you that it is illogical. It has to be because you have worked through it and are ready to get on with the next step of your loss.

I got tired of people telling me how strong I was or how well I was doing. They did not realized that, in the beginning, I was numb and I functioned, but the true devastation had not hit and wouldn’t for awhile. Time goes on, and it seemed to others that I was dealing with it well. But they did not see or feel the anguish I felt inside, or see me when I finally lost control. I did not call them when I was sad or breaking down because that was my time for grief, my time to try to connect with what I lost, and, because they did not hear from me they thought that I was doing well and that I was strong. Yet all I was doing was trying to survive.

Many rely on their faith during times of adversity, I went the opposite direction and felt I was floundering spiritually. I stopped going to church and I stopped praying, it was almost like I did not know how anymore. I didn’t know what I would pray for. Although I don’t attend church regularly today I am able to go and I do pray several times daily. I thought what would I pray for after I lost James. Today I realize that I am so lucky that I have Rick and his love, support, and comfort, and I have a wonderful daughter, and a grandson, I offer my prayer of thanks for the years that I had with James, for the love we shared, for the rest of my family.

There are many different parts of you that need to heal after the loss of your child and some parts take longer than others. There is not a time frame for healing and there is no great revelation when it happens. Accept that at some point, in its own time it will happen.

The unanswered question always remained how are you going to survive the unsurvivable; how are you going to get through this; what are you going to do? Because everyone is different, there is no one answer. The question cannot even be answered, it has to be lived.Your answers will come through your thoughts and feelings, action, and reactions and events. And, without even knowing it, you are living the answer.

Perhaps then I have found my answers without even realizing it. For Rick and I , a challenge was getting through it together. It was learning how each other grieved and allowing that to be OK, different as it was. It was supporting each other when we needed it, being strong when the other one couldn’t be. Talking about our feelings right from the beginning and being in sync with how we wanted to remember James and how we wanted our lives to continue. It was doing things in time, but not because it was time to do something. It was loving each other and caring for eacother because that is what James taught us to do.

The pain and emptiness will never completely go away and that is OK, because it keeps James real in our lives. He is a part of us and will always be.

A few days after James died, Rick ask me the following question. If I had a choice, would I choose to not have had James and the pain and heartache, or to have James for those 23 ½ years and have to deal with life without him. For me there was no doubt about the answer. I would not trade our time with James for anything. God blessed me with an angel and God called his angel home.

In Loving Memory of My Son

James Irvin “J.D.” Scroggins

8-31-78 to 3-26-02

Your loving mother,

Sherry