A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, retires their old CEO and hires a new one. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

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A young doctor had moved into a small town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties:

"Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids"

The town fathers were greatly upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign:

"Queers & Rears"

The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople. So the Doctor finally came up with an acceptable sign: 

"Odds & Ends"

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DEAR ABBY:

My husband is not happy with my mood swings.

The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods.

I never really believed in these things before, but I have to admit, they really do work.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

And when I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f'ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he will buy me a diamond.