Subject: Governmentium

     A new element has been discovered in Washington D.C.

     A major research institution has recently announced the discovery
     of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element
     has been tentatively named "Governmentium."

     Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy
     neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic
     mass of 312.

     These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons,
     which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles
     called peons.

     Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it
     can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes
     into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one
     reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally
     take less than a second.

     Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not
     decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion
     of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In
      fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time,
      since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons,
      forming isodopes.

     This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to
     speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a
     certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is
     referred to as: "Critical Morass."

     You will know it when you see it.