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| | | From: Lil' Chilly (Original Message) | Sent: 8/21/2003 9:31 PM |
Hi All,
I found this link that has lots of informtion on Burpenorphine (Suboxone/Subtex). I suggest reading it if you are on treatment or would like to be. I am on suboxone (16mg per day) and it works great. it's a great alternative to going to the clinic every day and dealing the the dehumanizing treatment you tend to recieve there. Check out the site at
http://www.etfrc.com/SuboxoneResources.htm
Peace <>< Lil Chilly |
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| | | From: alesia | Sent: 9/2/2003 1:51 PM |
hi! i don't have anything to add about the bup thing, but one thing i can totally relate to is the boredom. what most non users don't understand is the all encompasing job it is to get h, use h, etc. i just stopped a baby habit (lol), and i hope i can stay away. i remember when i lived in NYC, though, and was doing my first time around that i actually enjoyed the running around, the whole job of it. when i started going to a meth clinic it felt like i had this gigantic void in my life. hours of time on my hands. you'll laugh, but one thing that helped a LOT was my game boy. anyway, i'd love to hear from anyone who can relate to the addiction to the actual life that comes with a habit. by that i mean the running around, the prep of works, etc. that is one of the hardest things for me to let go. |
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i hear ya load and clear......i had several weeks on and off clean, and that was a major part of the problem. although i have plenty to do,the disruption of the routine throws me. i am currently detoxing off meth to switch to bupe, and trying to stay clean, although emothionally in am having a hard time. my husband is witholding money from me, and saying he wont pay for treatment. the usual mental abuse ive endured for years. im fed up and i need to be self sufficient and throw his sorry ass to the curb.. only problem....we have 2 kids and hes kept me out of the workforcefor some time now. i am a registered nurse, but im sure my skills are well....alittle rusty im just sick of the low self esteem. also the comments of weight gain due to meth.....the secret is that i had battled anorexia for 14 years, and heroin was the obsession that took my mind off my weight. anyway just rambling.......i wish men could enduresome of the pain that women do.
>From: "Heritics of Heroin" < [email protected]>
>Reply-To: "Heritics of Heroin" < [email protected]>
>To: "Heritics of Heroin" < [email protected]>
>Subject: Re: Suboxone Information
>Date: Tue, 2 Sep 2003 05:51:40 -0700
>
Get MSN 8 and help protect your children with advanced parental controls. |
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| | | From: Marco | Sent: 9/2/2003 5:56 PM |
Oh man, can I ever relate! I loved the whole lifestyle part of it. Going down to cop, lovingly preparing the works, and the final reward- putting the needle in and plunging it home for the big reward. I swear sometimes I feel like I was as addicted to the needle as to the drug- like you said, the whole preparation, everything.
Boredom is a great killer for me right now. Having lost my career cuz of my addiction after working all my life and now having nothing to do all day is really tough. It just feels like long empty stretches of day. From where I live, going down to cop was like a 2 hour thing- driving downtown, hanging with the people, copping, driving back home and then the whole prep thing. Took a lot of time.
Even when I was working. I had a job where no one noticed if I came or went. So I'd leave mid-morning. Go cop and be back in the office in about 45 minutes. Go into the bathroom at work, and .....
I was so full of sick pride that I'd be thinking 'if only these people at work knew who I really was; if they only knew what I was really doing every time I left the office.' I know, it's sick. But I was (am) a pretty sick guy.
Maybe I should take up gameboy.
Marco |
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hey crazy old me again....just rereading my thread, and noticing some horrendous spelling errors......sorry i meant to say hear ya loud and clear, not load and clear.hahahahha anyway just talked to the bupe doctor, my appt.fast approaching, freedom from the clutches of the ever so present clinic. yaaaaahoooooo and im a little scared that once again the routine thing will throw me off. marco, i can relate to everything you said....especially the bathroom preparation part. i know the needle is as much part of it as any. thanks for all your advice too.
>From: "lifeoverkill23" < [email protected]>
>Reply-To: "Heritics of Heroin" < [email protected]>
>To: [email protected]
>Subject: Re: Suboxone Information
>Date: Tue, 2 Sep 2003 09:51:09 -0700
>
MSN 8: Get 6 months for $9.95/month. |
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Dear Marco,
I am so sad that you lost your job but so happy that you
are staying sober. I heard an addiction expert ( whatever the hell that
is) say on t.v. yesterday that when someone is working on staying clean they
shouldn't work. Maybe not for a long time. Staying clean is a huge
job in itself. My son Gino could never keep a job. He would do real
well with it at first and then shit would happen. He would be gone all
night and not show or he would sleep thru his shift. When he first got
home from re-hab I harped on him to get a job. I should of been
concentrating on his sobriety. These are all hindsite things we learn
along the way. Boredom was his worst enemy. He was on an electronic
tether so he could only go to work and back. His girlfriend would
try to come over and fill some of the void but there was so much time. He
did kind of go back to his childhood. He would make things. Maybe
you could try that. Well i won't ramble forever, some of the things
you said just touch me so i had to respond. Much love Karen
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| | | From: alesia | Sent: 9/4/2003 4:58 PM |
Hi, Marco,
I read your letter...you know the deal. When you told about that "sick
pride," I know exactly what you mean. I was unpopular in school, my family
moving around alot. I was very introverted because of my home life. Both my
parents were abusive alcoholics, and as pathetic as it sounds, I truly
believed no one wanted or loved me. (As was told in so many different ways.)
When I started using, I felt like I was part of this exclusive club....I was
cool. I used to cop in the Lower East Side of Manhattan, and loved to hang
out there with my "pals". It's funny....most of these people were squatters,
or homeless. I had an apartment with my then husband (who was in the dark
about all this....it's amazing the lies people will believe when they trust
you...)and all I wanted to do was hang out with the junkies.
The saddest part about all this is I miss it...a lot.
Yours,
Wendy (Alesia)
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| | | From: Marco | Sent: 9/4/2003 10:33 PM |
Hi Karen: Thanks for the kind words. I am always so moved by what you write and my heart truly goes out to you. I can not even think of the pain of losing a child. I have two and it is the worst thing I can imagine.
When I got clean a year or so ago my doc told me to take some time off, which I did. Then I started using again and my doc said that in retrospect I probably should have tried to go back to work.
I had a very good career for 20+ years and my whole self-esteem and everything was tied to that. So now that I'm now working, I feel really useless. Dependent on my wife, not really contributing anything. And while it has in some ways been good not to work (I have done a lot of work on myself), it's really time for me to try to get back to it. But I burned some bridges and while I'm trying to go back into the same field I don't know if I'll be able to.
Alesia- I agree. It is sad and hard for me to admit that I miss it. I hid my drug life from my wife also, although eventually she'd always find out I was using again, but usually not until I was in so much pain that I would want to go back into a detox/rehab. But yeah, exactly, all I wanted to do was hang with the junkies and part of it was having this feeling of being so cool, being a rebel, an outlaw, outside of societies rules.
And admitting that I miss that seems somehow pretty sick. I know where you're coming from.
Marco |
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| | | From: alesia | Sent: 9/5/2003 2:23 PM |
hey, marco,
i did that whole guilt trip over the work thing, too. right before i started
meth, i was thin. my ex husband loved it. he was blind to the fact that i
was using 8,9, sometimes more bags a day, and had also started a 50 a day iv
coke thing. i go on meth, and within three months stopped with all the other
stuff. i took a year and a half off to take care of myself, and to, uh, gain
100 pounds. so, to make a long story short, i get clean, finally start
working again, feel ALIVE again but my husband "asks me to leave because he
loves someone else". the point i'm trying to make here is everything is not
going to work out at once. with work, i had a job in banking where i made a
lot of money, had a lot of responsibility. well, banks don't reallly like
employees who take two hour lunches and nod out in their office. after the
year and a half, i just accepted i had to start at the bottom again, and it
was kind of relieving. with the exception of my relapse last month, i need
you to know all that doubt, guilt, etc goes away when you just sit and
realize the enormity of what you have accomplished staying clean. i'll stop
rambling now...but just know this..........IT CAN BE YOUR PAST. i realize
everyone like us is always in recovery, but for me, i had to just stop
obsessing. i had to think of other things. i could NOT go to another NA
meeting and relive it over and over again. distancing worked for me. it made
me stop living my life focusing on my drug use.
marco, take time off. get strong. but then know you are the focus of your
life, not your drug use.
everyone is going to yell at me for this. (lol).
Yours,
w
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| | | From: Echo | Sent: 9/6/2003 2:41 PM |
Alesia- I would certainly not yell at you for that advice. Staying clean IS hard work. However, personally I find that working keeps me active and occupies my mind therefore helping me to stay clean. But that's just me. Besides, I dont think I could afford not to work. I consider myself lucky to even have a job right now. Still, if someone needs a break to work on themselves and they are able to, then they should take the time they need. I often feel a little lonely w/out the drug life. I've only been out of it and on methadone for just over a month. I relocated to another city, where I have few friends and none are drug users. I'm also close to my job and my family. It's a good situation for staying clean and I'm removed from the drug life I lived for so long. I miss it. There was ALWAYS something important to do, somewhere to go. Always running too. Now I've got so much time. I try to remember to take it slow and repair all of the great hole I dug for myself in my addiction. That in itself is proving to take up a good deal of time. Echo |
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| | | From: Marco | Sent: 9/8/2003 11:03 PM |
I can sure relate to what both of you, alesia & echo, are saying. Staying clean is really hard work, the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm not even completely there yet.
I'm glad you brought up NA, cuz I think about AA/NA a lot. I have some friends that are pretty into it, they think I've been clean for about 5 months when actually I've still been using once a week or so (actually it's been getting less lately). I had a string of 3 weeks and now I've got a string of a couple of weeks with only using once in between. I think I'm getting there. And I the using that I do, it's mainly from boredom. I really think if I was working I wouldn't keep using. Since I'm on bup, I don't even really get high from shooting dope, but I get so bored I do it I don't know why, I guess cuz I'm an addict.
But here's the main thing about AA/NA for me. I hadn't had a drink in many years. I never had a problem with alcohol. But lately I've been having a beer or a glass of wine with dinner. I know all the AA/NA attitude, but I have no problem just having one beer. I don't even really like the feeling of being drunk. My problem is that I hate to lose these friends just cuz I've had a few beers. I mean, they wouldn't stop liking me, but really the only place I see them is at meetings and then going out afterwards. But I don't feel like part of that club anymore. I went to a meeting last night for the first time in a month or so and just felt out of place.
Maybe cuz I wasn't honest. I mean I didn't get up and say I've used or I had a beer or anything. I'm debating about whether to be honest with these guys and tell them that I've had the occasional beer, that I've still been shooting up. I hate being such a liar and don't want the guilt of it. But I really don't think for me, that drinking has anything to do with my using. I've just never been a big drinker and don't see it as being a problem for me. And god knows that AA/NA has never helped me stay clean. The only thing that's working (somewhat) is the bup.
Sorry to go on & on and I hope this makes some sense.
Marco |
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Hey I havnt been around (working) but I live in the Bronx and have been on a one day pick up for 50 mgs of meth for 7 f**king years now. I dont have the time to get acqainted with you all right now, but any, I mean ANY one who has info on getting on Burpenorphine after a 7 years stint on Meth and a 15 year heroin run, and I would be eteranlly grateful. I cant stand the clinic even though its one day, its still a ball and chain but I am not stupid enough to try to kick now when Im going though a lot of stress. (more later) I'll hit the board later and hope everyone is smiling these days cause life is getting too short and too scary lately. Hang in there everyone. |
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| | | From: Echo | Sent: 9/10/2003 1:44 AM |
Marco- I totally hear what you're saying. I was going to meetings for a while there when I got a little clean time together. But this time, I havent been to any. First of all, I have heard that AA/NA people tend to hold a major stigma against meth etc. But the real reason I'm not going is just cuz I'm not feeling it. I am finding that my methadone, counseling and sites like this one help me when I need it. That's not to say that in the future I wont go to meetings. But if I do, I wont mention I'm on methadone, speaking of dishonesty. Like you, I'm not a big drinker and occasionally I will have a glass maybe two. And even though alcohol's not my "thing" I gotta remember that it could happen anyway- I'm an addict. So I'm not saying put the drink down, just remember where you've been and be careful. Also I really dont feel like it is absolutely necessary for you need to spill your guts to the group at the meetings you go to. You're there because you're fighting an addiction, just like everyone else in the room. Nobody's perfect and NA/AA tells you to "keep coming" whether you're using or not. They just ask you not to show up high (obviously). Those groups are supposed to be understanding and help you to stop, not to criticize you if you're not yet totally clean. If you spend too much time feeling guilty and worrying about what the group thinks, you wont get much out of it. So Marco I think honesty will make you feel better as well as get real advice and support, however it is not a prerequesite that you must admit all of your downfalls each time. At least I hope it isnt. By the way I think if I had a lot more free time I might go to NA- maybe that would be a good idea for you, especially when you have cravings. Having too much time on your hands is a struggle- I think if I werent working right now I'd be more likely to use or defiitely be on a much higher dose of methadone!! So meetings seem like a constructive way to distract you from getting high. Good luck to you always Marco. It was not so long ago you were sending me great support and encouragement here before I began the methadone. I am so grateful to you. Stay strong! Echo |
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| | | From: Marco | Sent: 9/11/2003 7:19 PM |
Echo- Thanks for the kind words. I guess my problem is that when I go to AA they say in the intro the the only qualification for membership is the desire to stop drinking. So I feel like just being there is a lie (and I'mso sick of lies).
But I am going to a meeting tonight- mainly to see some friends and hang out with them afterwards. They're pretty cool and don't hold things against me, but they don't know that I've had a few drinks lately and I'm not likely to tell them.
I've heard so many times that we're only as sick as our secrets, but sometimes I think it's nobodies business what I'm doing as I'm doing my best to stay clean.
Thanks again!
Marco |
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Here is a list of doctors in your area who can perscribe suboxone. Call and make an appointment asap. It will end the "clinic cycle" for you once and for all. Good luck - This information is from the Samsha website under "doctor locator". If you would like to see the site the address is
http://buprenorphine.samhsa.gov
Your request for the city matching Bronx, NY returned the following 12 physicians
Beth K. Boyarsky M.D. 2527 Glebe Ave
Bronx, NY 10461 (718) 904-4494
Ricardo O. Dunner M.D. 324 East 149th St.
Bronx, NY 10451 (718) 665-4300
Clifford Mark Gevirtz M.D., M.P.H. Bronx VA Medical Center (Anethesia) 130 W. Kingsbridge Road
Bronx, NY 10468 (718) 584-9000x6205
Marc Gourevitch M.D. Bronx Psychiatric Ctr, Betty Parker Bldg 1500 Waters Place, 6th Floor, Wd. 20
Bronx, NY 10461 (718) 409-9450
Hillary Kunins M.D. Albert Einstein Col of Med of Yeshiva U 368 East 149th Street, Hub 2
Bronx, NY 10455 (718) 292-2401
Dr. Bridget Ann Martell Dosa Executive Offices/6th Floor Parker 1500 Waters Place.
Bronx, NY 10461 (718) 993-3397
Manuel Meza M.D. Methadone Program Bronx Lebanon Hospital 3100 Third Avenue
Bronx, NY 10451 (718) 579-2613
John Osei-Tutu M.D. Bronx Lebanon Hospital 1276 Fulton Avenue
Bronx, NY 10456 (718) 901-6133
Elise K. Richman M.D. AECON Dept. of Psych. SUTNCMHC-CDTP 2527 Glebe Avenue, Room 107
Bronx, NY 10461 (718) 904-4439
Carlos Alberto Rueda M.D. 600 East 233 Street 7th Floor Bronx, NY 10466 (718) 920-9093
Dr. Gregory Lytton Sathananthan Bronx Psychiatric Center 1500 Waters Place
Bronx, NY 10461 (718) 823-9156
Ofelia T. Villar M.D. Bronx Lebanon Hospital Center 1285 Fulton Avenue
Bronx, NY 10456 (718) 518-3750
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this is for Marco, I was reading your discussion about becoming obsessed with the whole ritual. That is where Amy was when she started shooting. The chase sometimes it would take her until 10pm to get high, getting rides, works I cannot even comprehend. I would like to though. I have friends 3 to be exact who all go to the methadone clinic. Actually 2 only 1 made it out. He still takes vicodins once in awhile beats the hell out of shooting heroin. There is so much to this drug. I have lost 3 young friends in there early 20's. (I was always hanging out with the young guys. never looked my age nor do I act it.) Sometimes I blame myself for where Amy is at. Between blame, shame and guilt well I am just rambling on. Manic stage today, I am bipolar  also I would like to say about the suboxone. Amy was in a very expensive detox and that drug was like a miracle. If you can get it prescribed. But the sad part is they are also addictive. But at least you know what your getting. |
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