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| From:  BouncyApril (Original Message) | Sent: 7/14/2003 9:09 PM |
In memory of Denise Marie Hower 9/5/66-10/26/02 It wasn't easy watching her Struggling throughout her days In her heart she wanted only to earn and hear our praise She excelled at nursing the elderly During her years as an LPN At waitressing she was successful Her customers always returned again But although she tried so very hard To build her life on firmer ground Temptation would win her over to that which would take her down She'd be so lonely and miserable and not oneof us could know The pain she bore emotionally Or the way her torment would grow At times she'd shake those demons and would delight in being fee Then her smile and poised demeanor Were a treat for all to see! Her last year was a good one At last she become the conqueror Of all that had led her astray We didn't know that her final days Were lived is such worry and fear- The result of a broken relationship with someone she once held dear How could anyone have ever known that she'd be gone so soon She awoke that Saturday moring and was taken from us by noon Her end was such a tragedy That we're powerless to explain We entrust her to God's keeping Until we can all meet again And to that sonofabitch who slit her open like a wild animal, I hope you burn in hell, I hope your fate is worse than ever imaginable |
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dear grapeape,
im an rn too. who says nurses cant have a little fun? just kidding.
anyway, did your friend denise o.d. or didi that guy really kill her? a
little confusing. that was a nice poem.
are you currently working as anurse, or are you on haiatus? ive been home
since my son was born, but the husband thinks it would be good to get back
into the workforce(self esteem issues). i will not work if im actively
using, which i struggle with....so i better clean upmy act and go back to
helping others, it can be very fulfilling, but stressful too.
do you have a specialty?
thx
beth
any other nurse out there????????????please reply
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Beth, Yes she was murdered, a jealous boyfriend, I don't know all the details. He slit her from breast bone to pubic bone, she walked out onto the porch and collapsed. Another man was there when it happened and he called an ambulance but it was too late. He has plead guilty so he won't get the death sentence, the SOB. Her sister committed suicide when she was 14 and she never got over it. She blamed herself for the divorce of her parents and after the suicide the family just pointed blame and were not supportive of each other at all. She was a tortured soul the whole time I knew her. Yes I am practicing. i never stopped. I never got caught, I did not divert, my husband went out and bought heroin. It started recreationally, but you know how that gets, mainly because we inherited $138,000, I have to say it was fun for a while. But then I got really nutty, no matter how much or little I used, my moods were horrible. One day (Christmas) I was working just with one other nurse who was stupid and clueless so I figured I would have a very merry Christmas and do a little extra. I got so messed up I thought it would be obvious and coudln't even read my MAR. So I got into the ER box and gave myself a little itty bitty shot of Narcan, big mistake, got so sick, should have just waited until I sobered up some, went on break or something. But I called a nurse in and said I was sick. I ended up taking a week off claiming mono, even got a doctor note. I tried to kick on my own, me and my husband went to a hotel. I basically did it, but he couldn't quite get there, though he did reduce his use, so he went on the juice. I was still in the crappy doldrums that don't go away for a while and I coudln't stand him coming home feeling good. So I did the same. The clinic all knew I was a nurse, they were so good. One day the nurse from the clinic was working as a supervisor at an agency job I went to, and I almost crapped, but she just gave me my assignment and was a real pro. The dosing nurses would ask me about my job, and where all I had been that week and everything. It took a while to get that comfortable. I would change out of my scrubs before hitting the clinic. Everyone there felt it was wrong that I could lose my license because I was on a medically supevised drug. I just told them that it was better not to find out what would happen if the BON found out. I never had a dirty urine. I am now on Bupe and doing fine. I quit agency which I was doing to stay anonymous, and not anyone get close to me so they wouldn't find out, plus the DON was a friend and they didn't drug test. Once I went for a job and they found the meth and I was lucky I wasn't reported. I sent them a letter stating that any info that I signed a release for used in denying employment was herby revoked and named the article of the law stating the privacy act. so now I am on Bupe and got to actually pee in the cup with no worries. The agency work was not steady and I was losing my ass. Now I will be working full time and catch the bills up. And no I didn't blow all that money on H, I just acquired alot of bills like a mortgage and an expensive car. I should have paid cash for the car. I won't give it up though, once you go German, you can't go back. Well, enough about me. I would be glad to hear about other nurses. Methadone allowed me to work and function and Bupe is doing the same. Thank god we got help before it got too bad. |
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BTW I do long term care mostly, MDS's and supervisor. I also do tele and med/surg. I worked some on a detox unit and I would love to do that more, give something back and be someone that people know truly understands. I have to be off the Bupe first and I think wait a year after that. I would be good at it though, I know all about addiction, I have read everything I can get my hands on since this started. |
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hey grapeape,
you sound alot like me. i still currently have my rn license, never
diverted or ny thing like that,but im out of work now my son is only two yrs
old. i would love to return too. like you i read everything on addiction,
and ironically, before i ever started using,i worked at a meth clinic. one
of the nurses that i worked with is the head nurse at the clinic where i go
now...also, the dr. i worked under is the clinic doctor..pretty embarrising
huh. but where i live the clinics are dominated by one group. they are a
for profit clinic, not hospital run or anything, and they are all about the
money.
once stupidly i went on an interview on a very high dose of meth at the
time, now im on 30mgs, but i was practically nodding on the poor woman, and
although i was technically clean, i was petrified they would file a
complaint to the bon. the clinic i go to also are very supportive and would
never turn me in or anything, many health care professionals actually go
there. there are some lawyers too. its very diverse haha.
sounds scary what you went through on that christmas, did the narcan
instantly make you sick???
i used a drug called stadol once while on H, and i got soooooo sick.
however, years before when i didnt use, the same drug would knock me out. i
have been in situations in the er as a patient when they have given me drugs
that interacted badly with meth or H and it blows.
i find that most doctors and nurses are not sympathetic to our plight, and
when needed do not administer pain meds accordingly. i had surgery a few
years back, and one doctor asked me if my meth would be sufficient for pain
relief....i was like are you crazy, its amazing how little most know about
addiction, and methadone. easpecially when pain meds are needed. needless
to say, thoses 5 days post op in the hospital were miserable. like the most
intense pain ever, crying day and night through....and they think you just
want the drugs to get high.
anyhow enough rambling, love to talk to ya again.
and im sorry about your friend, it figures a man like that cant even lay
down and take his medicine and accept the death penalty. its a shame that a
plewould even be an option in that case. reminds me of OJ that bastard.
beth
>From: "grapeape" <[email protected]>
>Reply-To: "Heritics of Heroin" <[email protected]>
>To: "Heritics of Heroin" <[email protected]>
>Subject: Re: fellow nurse, friend, and junkie RIP
>Date: Tue, 15 Jul 2003 12:40:57 -0700
>
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see my post on "new to board, not to meth" in the methadone part, and you
will know why Stadol did that to you. I had to explain to someone why you
can't do bupe and dope together. I won't argue with someone unless I am 100%
on what I am arguing on. And I am. I wonder if he will think I am a big
head. Oh well.
The Irish are a fair people: they never speak well of one another
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Sorry,I hit send too quick. Yes, the Narcan hit fast, but I gave it IM. It
was awful. I hate when I read about Bupe, that is can cause agitation and
anxiety, just what I need. I gotta be off this crap and just have a clean
head. I will tell ya tho, I will never ever go on meth again. I have self
detoxed and I would rather do it on my own time without it being everyone's
business. But this is not cool, but I have sworn that another relapse will
be the last. I will steal my cousin's little camper while they go dry out in
Masschusetts (it is teenie weenie) and that will be where we live, and we
will panhandle, pick fruit, whatever, and get dope. And I will do it until I
die. I am not gonna pick up and relapse all my life. Screw, I am giving it
the best possible try and I am sure I will do well because I don't think I
am the type to throw my life away. But I don't want to be off and on all the
time either. Oh for the days when it was just he weekends. YOu know, we did
that for years!!! Years!!!
Thanks for your support on the guy that killed Denise. She got a lot of
flack from her co workers and I would stick up for her. I almost called her
when I hit the meth clinic but she had moved to Lancaster but I didn't know
where. I feel like if we had found each other she would have helped me and
vice versa and she could be alive. But that is all conjecture. Everyone says
I don't look like a junkie.
I don't know what that means.
Well, I am gonna post some puppie picks, watch for them
The Irish are a fair people: they never speak well of one another
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HEY GRAPE,
THANKS FOR THE REPLY, I LOVE PUPPIES TOO. IVE BEEN TRYING TO ADOPT A GOLDEN
OR BLACKIE FOR THE FAMILY. MANY PLACES WONT LET YOU ADOPT IF YOU HAVE YOUNG
CHILDREN AT HOME, BUT I WOULD GIVE IT SOOO MUCH LOVE, AS WOULD THE REST OF
MY FAMILY, ESPECIALLY MY YOUNG SON, WHO IS ONLY 2 BUT GENTLE TO ALL ANIMALS.
I HEAR YA ABOUT RELAPSE TOO, IVEBEEN ON AND OFF IN THE LAST COUPLE OF
MONTHS, JUST TODAY I TALKED TO MY COUNSELOR ABOUT SWITCHING TO BUPE, AND HE
SAYS...WHY DONT WE UP YOUR DOSE ON METH INSTEAD....AND I SAY, BECAUSE IT
MAKES ME SOOO F-ING FAT AND ITS VERY HARD TO GET OFF. AND HIS REPLY
WAS"WHATS THE HURRY?" WELL ITS BEEN ALMOST 5 YEARS, AND I JUST WANT TO BE
NORMAl AGAIN.
YES METH WORKS WONDERS, BUT IN A HIGHER DOSE FOR ME, AND I DONT LIKE DEALING
WITH THE CONS. CALL ME STUBBORN, BUT I WANT TO TRY A NEW WAY, AND I THINK
BUP IS THE ANSWER. I HAVE HAD OVER THREE YRS. CLEAN OUT OF 4 AND A HALF, SO
MY WILL IS GOOD. AND IF I USED ON BUPE AND GOT SICK, NOT HIGH I WOULDNT
BEAT THE DEAD HORSE SO TO SPEAK. I WOULD LEARN THAT THE OUT COME WOULD
ALWAYS BE THE SAME....A WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY.
IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU WERE THE BEST POSSIBLE FRIEND TO DENISE, THE OUTCOME
WOULD HAVE BEEN THE SAME EVEN IF YOU WERE CLOSER, BECAUSE MEN LIKE THAT DONT
GO AWAY, THEY JUST GET MEANER AND MADDER!!!!!!!!
WHAT AREA ARE YOU FROM AGAIN....IM FROM AROUND BOSTON MASS.
BETH
>From: "grapeape" <[email protected]>
>Reply-To: "Heritics of Heroin" <[email protected]>
>To: [email protected]
>Subject: Re: fellow nurse, friend, and junkie RIP
>Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2003 07:43:30 -0700
>
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I am from PA, central PA. But it is interesting because my cousin and her
boyfriend are moving to the area to stay with his mom who has an extra
apartment. she is a totally responsible teacher and we all just used
together at times, but once I was on meth I stayed away from them for
obvious reasons. She gave me some crap about it, but now she is the one on
meth! They went on a bender and are selling the house and leaving. They say
the clinic is like 7 minutes away. I wonder if it is the one you go to. I
will have to find out. It would be nice for them to know someone up there. I
will have to see when they are leaving, if you are truly serious, maybe they
would bring the dog up, but we would have to work that out. I will tell her
I met you and see where it goes. She is nice, but hard to get into, like she
has this big shell. She likes men better than women and can be anal and
bitchy. I think that is why she used. Somehow she is my friend though, and
she needs people around her so she can open up and realize not everyone is
so bad. She is a blood relative of my husband and they are all so cynical.
Once you are past that you are home free. I don't want to scare you, but she
probably wouldn't act that way around someone she just met anyway. Her
boyfriend is not so smart, but nice in a country kind of way. He is great as
long as he is not drunk, the same has been said of me. Their names are Jamie
and Rachel and I will tell you more later.
The bup is going great, I do feel human again. With meth I waited and lived
for the maybe 3 hours that I felt almost or kind of high and the rest was
udder slothdom. I have lost 10 pounds but need to lose alot more. Meth works
for many, but if you don't want on it for life, get off now. Rachel wants on
bup, but they didn't have anyone around, I advised her to stay low on her
dose then, I hope she follows my advice. But she usually does what he does
and he will go way up chasing that buzz up the scale until they find
themselves over 100 or 200. She says she hates meth and doesn't want to be
on it, and once told me it was good we had to pay for it to "learn our
lesson". Now she is crying cuz she can't afford it, and his mom is paying
for everything for them. Must be nice. Well more later
The Irish are a fair people: they never speak well of one another
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