Heritics of Heroin

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called addiction..how it changes all things..plans..outlooks..moods..
loves..hates..times..laughter..
tears..goals..life & yes even death.

As much as it made me crazy to not do..I didn’t score last night..I waited until the last possible moment to call (a game I play to stay away), and last night my luck was having none of it. No one called back..yes I paced..swore..watched the clock mercilessly..dialed & dialed the number a hundred plus times..berated myself for wanting..for waiting..but I did achieve what I set out to do..not score.

This morning bright and early..

I could hardy wait to wake up..sleeping just on this side of the unconscious..eyes popping open at the exact time I knew the dealer of my chosen wares
switched his cell on.. as he prepares for yet another day of silent &
prolonged killing.

I sit here with itchy fingers..the cell staring me down..my eyes reflecting in its dark shiny plastic daring me to wait again…to try & put it off again..to go without again. Already thinking I’m not going to be able to abstain today..that’s for sure..as my defeatest attitude rears its taunting head…beating down & out any & all parts of me who dares to try. Like a ruthless lover who you crave way to much..opiates beckon me to call for them.

If I can get through this day and not cop..ha..well that’s a joke..it just aint happening.

Yes I could take alot of methadone and wait it out but the truth is I don’t want to…I really don’t. These stages we go through are mind boggling sometimes. I can resist for a long time and be doing perfectly fine for months on end with only juice (methadone), then I run into a pocket of time where all I want..crave..need and simply gots to have..is just one more glorious, delicious ‘hug me all over and over and over again�?hit. The feeling is unparalleled..the warmth flooding every cell of my being…there is absolutely nothing else like it..not sex..not love..not music..not laughter..not anger..not thrills..not all of the senses combined..not all of the above together times one thousand.

Nothing.

There has to be more to it than it’s addictive properties..it’s as if the dope is an entity unto itself..finding its legs its life when it enters our bloodstream..some might liken this to a vampire..a sucker of the soul..and they would not be far off. Still I say..if it is so..well bite me bite me bite me & fucking bite me again.

Please.

I write this and I want to not write this..I spend most of my time fighting what I’ve written here with every fiber of my being..denying..saying I’m okay..no not shooting dope anymore..I’ve grown

Bullshit.. if I’m being honest..if I am speaking truth..this is what comes out strong..this is what has walked beside me through it all..accompanied me to places no other would..through thick and thin..through times of everything and of nothingness..this is really how I feel…heroin is my passion..and sadly or nay..it’s the only one I’ve ever found.

I have no desire to write..to be creative..to think..to feel..to ‘do�?anything..

but go and score.

Shameful revalations of the self indeed..

http://maryblackchurch.heroindiaries.com/?p=691

Sha aka Mary Blackchurch

Thank you for sharing your words with us. I'm sure you are aware of this, but you have an amazing mastery of language. You oftentimes put into words many of my own feelings that until that point seem so enigmatic. It's interesting how I can I feel or be affected by something so deeply but can't understand, define or express it...........until you make it tangible to me, and then my journey through life becomes not so intimidating or lonely. So thank you for that.

PS - Rob Breszny........amazing, isn't he? Been reading his column for years and years and he never stops blowing me away with advice that is so fucking RIGHT ON.

Sophia, Im so glad to see your still here.

Happy Early Birthday.

Every year on Ginos birthday I read the beautiful email you sent me and it keeps me going. That was the best gift I could of ever recieved for his birthday, thank you from the bottom of my heart

p.s. I would love to write you, if you want.

email me your address, [email protected]

Have you ever thought of authoring a book? I bet you'd do it well.

Thank you for your kind words Sophia...whether you realise it or not..they help me to know I am not alone either with these intense feelings..they are a part of us who are living it...have lived it.

I struggled with if should post it here..but again this place is for all aspects of addiction..I can't hide from mine..it's simply not healthy. It is not my intent to glorify this addiction to opiates I have...only to make some sense of it...even though I should know better.

Take care and thanks again.

Dear Sue..Yes I've thought about it..but how soon would I run out of material..and there are only so many drug books the market can handle. Maybe some day..when the story nears its end.

Sha, I admire you for your honesty.

I care about you so much my friend and pray that you find true peace and serenity.

I heard a few times that, YOUR AS SICK AS YOUR SECRETS.

You seem to be on the road to recovery my friend.

I will continue to pray for you as long as you need me too.

Thank you Karen.,..it's what we're all of us after..peace & serenity..like the saying by the way..so true.

love you

x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x

Meant to add Sophia yes I love Breszny's way of looking at the stars.

I have no idea how I missed this....I am very bad about not straying off of the General Board.

You have touched my heart.....it is very easy for me... as a non-user ....or an "earth person" as FC refers us too...to just not "Get it". Having my son...who I love more than life itself....be hooked on this shit...it makes us "other" folks.... put up those blinders...ya know the kind they put on horses...I can only see what is happening to me...my life....my child. I cry many tears reading your thoughts...and feel some what selfish that I sit in my own self pity...doing one of those "whoa is me" thing. You have such a gift with words....helps understand the "strong pull" that this stupid drug has and how many lifes it can destroy. I wish I lived close by....just to sit with you...not have to talk.....just hold your hand...and tell you...you are loved.

You are the one person on these boards that I admire the most.....always such words of encouragement....ALWAYS... ALWAYS the cheerleader in the stands. Lifting up users and exuser...Moms and Dads...while all the time fighting your own demon.

I will pray for you till the day I die....even after Joe gets clean...cause he will.....and you will too...You have forever touched my life with your words....please keep being you...because you are...a very special person.

From a Mom who's heart you have touched

Thank you Jackie for these words..for your forever prayers..for your kindness..for understanding what I've written here...for taking them as they were meant to be read..as one persons truth..nothing more and nothing less. It means alot to me.

I think your Joe will get back his life too..I really do.

Very touching story about "Ugly".....Also....you sell yourself very short...you are a very beautiful person inside and out.

Now.....ya know I have often said...... how we have people pictured in our minds of what they look like....I had you pictured as ....well shit!!!!...now I can't think of her name.....she has an English accent...short brown-blond hair.....I think she was just in a movie about a nannie...kind of scary....

I HATE GETTING OLD!!!! someone help me out here!!!!

Anyhooo...I really enjoy your page.....

Nice to place a face with a name,,,

Important Announcement The MSN Groups service will close in February 2009. You can move your group to Multiply, MSN’s partner for online groups. Learn More
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