Hi Pimento  --My experiences with methadone go way back--In 1969 I went onto methadone for 1 year--I was just a kid of 19 & I didn't have a clue what it was..I hated all the rules & ended up buying an ounce of heroin & walking away from the clinic..In 1981 I went back on methadone for another year & this time I went right from the clinic to the Mideast where I had an good Opium connection..In 1994 I went back to the methadone, this time to a private Doctor in Ontario--I had sworn I would never go back on methadone because everytime I had been on the shit, the only way I could stop the methadone was buy immediately switching over too massive amounts of good heroin or opium..I couldn't accept the fact that I was probably a methadone-lifer--I still can't accept it but this time I've stayed on since 1994 though I do chip from time to time (its usually a total waste--no matter how good the heroin is) & I still smoke my black hashish daily--I'm totally OK with this form of harm reduction for myself--I have come down on my dose of methadone over the last year & a half from 150 mg to 43 mg ( unfortunately my cravings are getting stronger as all my other methadone side effects subside with the lower dosing.)- I'm obsessed with lowering my dose even though I know its probably a deadly stupid idea..I admit that part of me wants to cleanly feel the warm effect of the heroin without the layers of methadone absorbing the junk before you can feel it--for me junk can't cut through methadone--I realize that is the whole point of methadone, but the addict part of me (which is 80% of me) doesn't give a fuck about logic or whats right & wrong--On the otherhand I DON'T want to die!! I have many beautiful things in my life like my 2 wonderful kids, my books, my music & friends--But I've been opiated for 37 years & I just don't feel right without opiates in my system--maybe my brain can no longer make enough endorphines & I need to add heroin or methadone to feel normal--I don't know..All I know is that when I don't have opiates in my system I feel like I'm on LSD or something intense...I realize that I'm playing with fire everytime I chip & with my present plan of continually lowering my methadone dose--but for now thats my choice..I rationalize my actions buy telling myself that if I get too carried away with the junk, I'll just jump right back onto a nice big dose of methadone---I must be one stuborn & stupid junkie--How I survived for so many years when 90% of my crowd died from heroin addiction I don't know..Sometimes I think that they were the lucky ones...The strangest thing of all is that I really enjoy the stability & sanity that MMT brings into my life--Its given me everything I have today!!I have absolutely NO doubt that I'd be a dead man without methadone.. So go figure it out--addiction, what a mother!! -- Well I've gotten totally sidetracked from what I intended to write because I was smoking a joint of Hashish when I started posting--not a good idea when you're trying to stay focused..As far as the side effects of methadone--besides the regular complaints of sweating, constipation & overtiredness or nodding out (all of these can be eliminated by lowering ones dose--but not to the point where your cravings return)--the real serious and unspoken problems of methadone are--loss of normal sleep (very little REM sleep on methadone--therefore patient never really rested & as a result alot of freefloating anger, agitation & restlessness),--secondly--peoples emotions are slowly coated by some kind of subtle numbness which becomes almost normal & unnoticable to others..3rdly--life on methadone has a very synthetic aspect which feels far more unnatural then even heroin--its hard for me to explain, but its has to do with the tremendous half-life of methadone as opposed to the relatively short acting opiates like heroin--methadone just seems to take hold of & saturate ones system on a much deeper level...I too had access to very pure heroin for years at a time because of my heroin smuggling circle of friends (top grade Thai & Afghani/Paki smack)--& doing lots of great heroin daily was nothing like doing methadone daily--Doing clean heroin everyday is extremely safe--its the running around & the being sick every second day & not looking after oneself that kills & ages junkies..There was a guy here at HoH from Switzerland who's at a Heroin Clinic & he claims that his life is much better since he switched from a Methadone Clinic to a Heroin Clinic--All his depression left him & he never misses work, he's healthier then ever before, etc etc--Well hopefully in my next incarnation I'll be born a nonaddict--if not I better be born in Switzerland...Sorry for writing the longest paragraph of my life--its not my fault, its the Reefer (Hashish) Maddness--lol-----

Wow guys..good posts both..and how fucked is it that I agree and have experienced all aspects of what you both have said. Besides it all being true and very telling what I found most thought provoking though was Junkyard's question:

 

"What if our problem was, at least for the most part, primarily physical, then secondarily psychological? If that were the case, wouldn't we be wasting our time with so much focus on 'behavior modification' and the rest of that nonsense? Wouldn't it make more sense to put the focus on the addiction using medicine?"

 

 

 

 

I have only one thing to say here (well, maybe two things)

methadone makes ME gain weight

but I'd rather be FAT than sick from withdrawal every other day.

 

Each time I went on methadone I gained A LOT of wieght.  As soon as I started coming off of it I would loose A LOT of weight.

 

okay, thats all!

luv,

sue

Hi Karen..we all have our battles to fight..I just read what's going on with you hon and I'm so sorry all of it is happening. You're so right about treating ourselves 'less than' sometimes. Although I realise how that doesn't help the situation at all..sometimes it' so difficult to actually follow through on what we believe and know...it is for me anyway. But this is the journey I guess (lol I know..I always come back to that statement)..perhaps cause for me..it speaks so much truth and makes the most sense. There are equal amounts of push and pull on any road and we have to get better at taking it all in stride is all. Lol yea right no tall order there huh...nope not at all.

 

And no Karen you didn't make me ..close though. Nah..j/k..I may not say it enough..but I loves  ya too girl. You've a heart of gold and just seeing your posts and knowing your living your life well helps lift my day. Thanks for the 'be gentle' reminder too..I needed it..and Lord knows I could use with more practice.

 

And Sue..lol you so make me laugh sometimes..that's all huh.  I hear what you're saying though..

 

Sha

xxx