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| | | Message 987 of 988 in Discussion |
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Dear Santa (From Barbie)
Dear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing
at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits
in
frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea
parties, and
I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm
gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna
be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweatshirt. I'm
sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing
suits
gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and
Velcro
crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white.
What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear
to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring
anyway?
If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
anatomically correct;
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct;
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to
twist, just
get it done;
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How
about
a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec or even
a
hooker....for goodness sake!
8. A new, more '2008 persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with
a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and
a bag of chips;
"Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a
fake
fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable
Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum;
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 42 years--I think I deserve it;
Ok,
Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
don't
think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can
find
yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Up yours truly,
Barbie
Ken's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes
in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career
changes. In
addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made
about
me, my ability to please, and my some of my fashion choices.
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues
concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES
NOT
deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along
with
Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette,
evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to changes our hair
style. I
personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at
great
length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I too would like a change in career. Have you ever
considered "Decorator
Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of work Actor Ken" ? In addition,
there
are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S & M
Ken"
"Green Lantern Ken" "Chippendale Ken" ... "Master Ken" These would
more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.
And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I
need
bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees
would
also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this
issue
before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to
the
blonde bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and
others.
And Barbie can forget about having G.I.Joe - he's mine.
Real sincerely,
Ken
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