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Top 10 Fathers' Comments at a Parent-Teacher Conference 10. "Little girl, would you please get the teacher?"
9. "So, this bully, Max, who¹s been pushing my son around, is really a Maxine?"
8. "My son told me OD stands for Odelightful. Why would you lie to me?"
7. "So, she needs to be here when the little hand is on the eight and the big hand is on the six?"
6. "And your name again is...?"
5. "Excuse me, but my knees are sticking to the bottom of this desk."
4. "So, our daughter has a short attention.... Hey, cool playground!"
3. "It's okay, teacher, we ain't never been good with numbers in our family. We be strongerest at English."
2. "Funny, you don't look like a four-eyed, fanged, drooling hippopotamus."
1. ""Zzzzzzzzzzz...."
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Top 10 Lame-brained, Foot-in-mouth Compliments from a Husand to His Wife 10. “You look great for a woman who has had four kids.�?BR> 9. “This is almost as good as mom used to make.�?BR> 8. “Thanks for the new shirt. It’ll be great for working on the car.�?BR> 7. “That’s a great new hairdo, Honey. How much did it cost?�?BR> 6. “I never knew you could sing that close to pitch.�?BR> 5. “I like it when you wait until halftime to vacuum.�?BR> 4. “Whaddaya want me to say? Okay, you look fabulous.�?BR> 3. “This ... meatloaf is a neat color.�?BR> 2. “Yes, that actress is beautiful, but you’re pretty on the inside.�?BR> 1. “Wow, that makeup works wonders!�?BR> |
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Top 10 Wrong Ways To Initiate Your Son Into Manhood10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.
9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.
8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.
7. Eat until you're about to burst and then ride the Screamin' Hurler roller coaster.
6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with its tongue.
5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, "You da man!"
4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom's "personal things."
3. Give him Grandma's lime green Gremlin with personalized license plates that say, "TUFFGUY."
2. Send the womenfolk shopping, then get out your secret Old Yeller video and have a good cry together.
1. Shot put catching. |
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Top 10 Ways to Intimidate Your Daughter’s Date When He Comes to Pick Her Up10. Sprinkle some dust on your daughter before she leaves. Explain, “It makes fingerprinting easier.�?BR>9. Challenge him at arm wrestling.
8. Introduce him to your good friend Ken Starr.
7. Walk on stilts.
6. Casually show him your collection of five shrunken heads, then yell up to your daughter, “Number six is here.�?BR>5. Come to the door bare-chested. Do a lot of flexing.
4. Introduce him to the family by calling each family member to the living room using a whistle, then making them stand at attention and salute.
3. Answer the door in a straight jacket.
2. As they leave, talk into a walkie-talkie, “Subject is wearing khakis and a blue polo shirt, driving a green ford.�?BR>1. Say, “Let’s pray.�?BR> |
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The Top 10 Last Things You Want Your Children To Learn To Say10. "Are we there yet?"
9. Your "Ouch-I-hit-my-thumb-with-the-hammer" word
8. "Johnny's parents let HIM do it."
7. "Daddy's goin' potty."
6. "Do it again."
5. "Daddy, what's Rogaine?"
4. "Where's my allowance?"
3. The words to the Barney song
2. "Go Cowboys!"
1. "Duh!"
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The Top Ten Dinner Dishes When Mom's Away and Dad's "Cooking"10. Hot dogs with just a hint of Tabasco.
9. "Kids eat free" night at the steak house.
8. Pizza.
7. Broiled bologna benedict on rye.
6. Back-of-the-fridge goulash (with lots of pepper).
5. Chips & salsa.
4. Cocoa Puff surprise.
3. Something old, something blue, something frozen, call it stew.
2. Cold pizza.
1. Whatever's cooking at Grandma's |
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The Top Ten Things You Won't Hear a Father Say10. "Can you turn up that music? It really calms my nerves."
9. "You can't finish your peas? Go ahead and throw 'em away."
8. "Here, you take the remote."
7. "Oh no, kids, this sled is TOO FAST!"
6. "No, honey, sit this one out. I really can't wait to change that diaper."
5. "As a matter of fact, let's both go get nose rings!"
4. "Hey, kids! Sit down at the table and try my vichyssoise."
3. "Go ahead, take my car-and here's fifty bucks for gas."
2. "Waiter! More ice cream for the little one!"
1. "Where do babies come from?"
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