Attachment Parenting
The Components of a Nurturing Instinctive Parenting Style
by Keri Baker
These are my personal thoughts about Attachment Parenting. They don't strictly adhere to the definitions set forth by Dr. William and Martha Sears who brought AP into the public eye. However, I very much appreciate their work and would recommend their books to any parent. I am thankful that their books opened my eyes to the possibilities of nurturing and inspired me to be the best parent I can be. I've also tried to incorporate elements of various related parenting styles in my life and on this page.
You may not use the term Attachment Parenting to describe this way of parenting. You might call it Natural Parenting, Instinctive Parenting, Immersion Parenting or Continuum Parenting. Perhaps a label is unneccesary to you. Maybe you are simply "following your instincts" and have never thought of parenting as anything but second nature. I am fully supportive of all of those possibilites, but for the purposes of this website, I shall refer to the various components of natural, nurturing and instinctive parenting styles as "Attachment Parenting."
Attachment Parenting Principles:
The basic components of a nurturing, instinctive parenting style....
Being informed about your birth options. Educating yourself about the birthing process and planning for a birth that is intervention free as possible.
Forming an early connection to your child, using the initial hours after birth to bond and having your baby "room in" with you after a hospital birth rather than in the nursery.
Responding quickly to your baby's cries and knowing that you can't "spoil" her by feeding and holding her whenever she needs you to.
Breastfeeding exclusively and on baby's cue for at least 6 months followed by the introduction of solids when your child is ready combined with continued nursing.
Child led weaning: knowing that it is natural and normal for children to breastfeed for well over one year.
Wearing your baby in a sling.
Using gentle discipline techniques. Knowing the difference between discipline and punishment and avoiding physical or shame-inducing punishment. Being authoritative rather than authoritarian or overly permissive.
You allow and encourage your child to share sleep with you. Realizing that your child needs do not desist at sunset and that nurturing is important around the clock, you willingly accept that for this season of your life, your "marital bed" should be your family bed.
Learning, understanding and following your childs cues. Knowing that your child has his own schedule for physical, emotional and social development, toilet learning and indepedence issues rather than trying to force him into an "expected" time frame.
Believing that by meeting your childs needs during infancy and toddlerhood you are encouraging the development of a healthy, happy, independent person.
You are flexible and realize that what worked last week might not work this week, and that what works for one child may not work for another. You are willing to educate yourself about parenting and make the extra effort that your children are worth.
You don't fall for the "quality time" myth. You recognize that real quality time consists of more time (spent cuddling, reading, playing, learning or just being together) not short frantic bursts of "fun" activities.
Upon finding find out you are pregnant with your second child, you don't even set up a crib, you start shopping for a king sized bed. You decide to give tandem nursing a try instead of weaning your nursing toddler.
You make time with your children a priority, regardless of material sacrifices that might have to be made. Obviously, single parents have to work, and there are other families that truly need two incomes. But you recognize that nurturing is of vast importance in your child's early years and that day care, while it may be adequate, is not as beneficial to your child as you are.
You know who Ezzo, and Ferber are and they make you at least slightly queasy.
You avoid the typical mother substitutes that are so prevelant in our society. From the seemingly benign: blankies and "lovies" (when used as a substitute for your presence) cribs, playpens, and pacifiers to the patently absurd: teddy bears with heartbeats, cribs that simulate womb movement, bottle holders (if you are doing any bottle feeds).
The premise that fully nurturing your children is considered by many to be the antithesis of feminism infuriates you, and you won't buy into that belief system. If you are female, you are proud to be a stay at home mother and consider it the most important thing you could possibly doing right now. You want to raise your children yourself, not hand them over to someone else to do the job.
Moving Beyond The Basics:
Taking attachment to the next level......
You plan for a home birth (or perhaps a birthing center) with a midwife.
You are considering, or are at least open to the possibility, of home-schooling or un-schooling.
You educate yourself about circumcision and choose not to make your male children suffer through the pain and trauma of the procedure without a very good reason.
You vaccinate your kids because you have made an informed decision, not just because it's what you are "supposed" to do. Just for the record: we did choose to vaccinate...for a variety of reasons.
You don't allow violent toys and entertainment in your home. Creative toys and play reign.
You restrict the amount of television that your child watches, perhaps you don't even own one.
You might ask, "Do I have to believe in and practice all of these "principles" to practice Attachment Parenting? Absolutely not! The very basis of AP is allowing your instincts be your guide. There is no one right way to parent all children. No one else is going to parent just the way you do because no one else has your children.
However, if you choose not to breastfeed, you are comfortable with spanking your kids, and you truly believe that babies should "cry it out" at bedtime, then you probably aren't going to find that my parenting philosophy, or anything resembling Attachment Parenting, will fit in with your beliefs. I would encourage those of you that fit that description to read more about the many benefits of a nurturing parenting style.
Whether you are fully committed to AP, or are simply exploring the concept always remember: If you are listening, your heart will guide you towards the right parenting decisions for you and your children.
© 1998 Keri Baker and parentingweb.com (except as noted)
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and should not replace medical care from a doctor or lactation consultant.
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