Single Parent Families Quality Without Shame

Single parenting means you are not alone. Statically speaking, one half of all parents, yes 50%, will experience divorce and therefore be a single parent for some period of time before remarrying or forever which ever comes first.

Single parent families are families born out of loss. Due to divorce or death, mothers and fathers who end up going it alone have gotten there through the end of a marriage. The disillusionment has also meant the children have experienced the loss of their family, as they have known it. Often this same loss has feelings of shame attached to it. Children and parents both feel like their new family constellation was formed as a result of failure. Often these feelings of shame lead to problems of low esteem and family dysfunction if not examined and worked through.

Single parent families are often strongly independent. An over riding need to establish and maintain independence, to prove self-sufficiency, often becomes the cornerstone of the family. Of course such a position leads to isolation and feelings of loneliness.

Members of the transitioning single parent family often shift family roles. Older children often take on the role of the "other parent." At first the single parent, appreciative of any help welcomes this new expression of responsibility. However, the older child soon begins to resent the added pressure and may become over bearing and over controlling. There is also a danger of children and parents reversing roles. Parents sometime turn to the children with the same adult problems they used to discuss with the other parent. Children end up emotionally providing support for parents rather then the other way around.

Becoming a healthy single parent family requires:

1) Acknowledgment of the feelings of failure and a willingness to openly discuss the feeling associated with loss. The loss of the original family emotes feelings of denial, guilt, anger and blame and depression before acceptance can be reached. Communication is the essential key to resolution.

2) Single parent families need to reestablish family traditions. One of the most enjoyable and bonding attributes of family are the special activities and rituals every family shares. When divorce in a family occurs, many established traditions are no longer possible. Find new things to do together and make them part of your family tradition.

3) Feeling independent is essential to becoming a mature adult. However, independence does not mean doing it all alone. With so many other single parents in the world, combining skills and personal support can help form a team of success. Try and find other parents who share your situation. Form small groups, meet for coffee, get the kids together. Support each other through the hard times and get together to celebrate the good times. Also turn to other extended family members. The parent and children are only a part of a larger family. By including relatives in the support system, both parents and children experience fewer feelings of loss and more feelings of connection to the family.

4) Parents must continue to provide clear role definitions. Be sensitive not to make children the holders of adult emotions and responsibilities. Parents need to find other adults (see suggestion number 2) to help them with adult feelings and personal needs. Kids need to be allowed to be kids.