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This will be our joke sharing thread. We all enjoy a good laugh, so come on...share a laugh today! | | |
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Subject: two ladies
Two ladies talking in heaven:
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I Froze to Death.
2nd woman: How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began
to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead,
I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer-- ---- -we'd both
still be alive!
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A WOMAN GOES TO HER DOCTOR'S OFFICE,TO DISCUSS A STRANGE DEVELOPMENT.
SHE HAS DISCOVERED A GREEN SPOT ON THE INSIDE OF EACH THIGH. THEY WON'T WASH OFF, THEY WON'T SCRAPE OFF, AND THEY SEEM TO BE GETTING
WORSE.
THE DOCTOR ASSURES HER HE'LL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THE PROBLEM, AND TELLS HER NOT TO WORRY UNTIL HE GETS THE TESTS BACK.
A FEW DAYS LATER, THE WOMAN'S PHONE RINGS. MUCH TO HER RELIEF, IT'S THE DOCTOR. SHE IMMEDIATELY BEGS TO KNOW WHAT'S CAUSING THE SPOTS.
THE DOCTOR SAYS, "YOU'RE PERFECTLY HEALTHY--THERE' S NO PROBLEM. BUT I'M WONDERING, IS YOUR BOYFRIEND A HARLEY GUY?"
THE WOMAN STAMMERS, "WHY, YES, BUT HOW DID YOU KNOW?"
"TELL HIM HIS EARRINGS AREN'T REAL GOLD."
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My dad just sent this to me, and I thought it was funny!
You will be in big trouble if you are going more than 10 miles an hour over the limit, buddy. You don’t even want to know what happens if you litter. Photo taken somewhere near Lavaca, Arkansas..........I think. | |
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LMBO!!!!! That's TOO good Kaci! I think that would definitely work....LOL |
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1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
>15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18 Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26 If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we All believe that we are above average drivers.
37. Your friends love you anyway.
38. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
39: How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? |
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JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
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A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she
once again began to pray,
"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls
it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while
I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if You had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a
commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going
to have a wife."
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
______________________________________________________________________________ You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing!
Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh. |
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| On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, 'You should be hung!'
I took a drink from my can of Miller Lite, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, 'I am. That's why she cuts the grass.'
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Broke Back Deer Camp The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night." The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long." |
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Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president. The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?" The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed. "Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him. The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered,"You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil
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Apples & Wine Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Now Men...Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the **** out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. Share this with all the good apples you know. |
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FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to
Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However,
the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to
see you. We have heard a lot about you I must tell you, though, that the
place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance
examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it
before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St.
Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope
that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test
is only three questions.
First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns
the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that
you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers"
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days
in the week begins with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and
Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest,
that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I
did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about
the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk
and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how
in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are
going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I
had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let
us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first
name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St
Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers
to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up
with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest
replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS
WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run
Forrest, run." |
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To all of the parents who's children are still at home....ENJOY! And for
those of us without kidlets......you have to admire the creativity of
'the boy'
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was
addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am. But it's not only the passion . . . Dad, she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of
having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I
know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to
know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that's on top of my desk.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
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