Sorry I haven't been around lately.  My mental illness got the best of me and I was put in the hospital.  I still have so many problems that I have to work through.  I figured some of them out while I was in there.  My depression seems to never leave.  No matter what they give me for medication.  I am not one who takes meds that I don't have to.  I am good at listening to my psychiatrist.  I feel like talking right now.  Thank you for listening.  I took some meds an hour ago that are supposed to keep me calmer.  I take other ones to keep me calm also.  I mean I don't go wacko but my anxiety goes up.  It could lead to a panic attack like I had yesterday.  They are very scary for me.  Some people thought they were having a heart attack when they had one.  Since I had one yesterday, I am a scared that I will have another one.  The best thing people can do is to just listen to me.  I have to be the one that is in control.  Unless I am having a full-blown one.  Then I really need help.  I know better than to get behind the wheel of my truck.  I live in Nebraska and I ended up in South Dakota.  You get the 'fight or flight' feelings.  I can deal with the fight ones better.  It's not that they make me angry, just scared.  If it is a full-blown one it terrifies me.  Just picture one thing that you are really afraid of and times that by 100.  That is a panic attack.  I am still having small attacks but nothing like I had yesterday.  It is mostly anxiety.  Talking about it will help me, so I thank you for listening again.  Sometimes I know what causes them or 'Triggers them".  Yesterday I know what it was, thankfully.  I won't go into it.  I am just glad that I am at my parents for awhile. 

 

I have to figure out what to do when I get home and I am all alone again.  Then all I want to do is to sleep.  I take my meds and lay down to watch a movies.  I eat as soon as I get home.  I will be going back to Community Alliance.  I don't know what I would do without them during the week.  We have these coping skills that are good for us to practice.  Like deep breathing and distraction.  I am not good at them at all.  I just get tired of living alone.  I have to get back into exercising again.  Some meds help you to gain weight.  Plus quitting smoking and I know I gained while I was in the hosp.  I haven't tried to get into my jeans yet.  I wear windpants everywhere.  My jeans are at home.  I sure hope I can get into them.  They look dressier for Thanksgiving.  I didn't get to vote because I was in.  I had a wonderful roommate though.  That is so important.  I had my small little transister radio with me.  I had a roommate that complained it kept her awake.  I can barely hear it.  Oh well.  Hopefully I won't have to go to the hospital again.  People with mental illness do relapse.  That is what happened to me this time.

 

I am looking forward to going home though.  The day I got out I went to pay my rent and get my mail.  Three weeks full of mail, most of it I don't keep.  My manager knew I was going in.  So the late rent would not have surprised her.  My rent is always paid on the ist of the month.  It is not due until the 10th.  My phone bill is paid right out of my checking account.  So is my life insurance.  I live in an apartment building where we don't have to pay utilities.  It is HUD housing.  They are really clean and very well taken care of.  Like I said before I have a lake across from me.  Woods way behind me where the deer live.  I am not sure what my plans are for Thanksgiving.  I usually go to my sister's but this year they are going on a cruise.  I have to talk to my kids to see what they are doing.  I will probably go to my brother's.  They have people there from Church that I don't really know.  I am not very comfortable with it.  That is why I go to my sister's house.  I will just have to wait to see, I guess.  Sometimes Sarah and Matthew go with me.  My two youngest ones.  Sarah is with Patrick now, they have Christopher.  He is my 5th grandchild.  He will be a year in December.  I left a message for Sarah.  She works, goes to college and has Christopher.  I forgot to ask Matthew when I talked to him yesterday.  I was more concerned about how he and my cats were.

 

I am going to get some dinner.  So I will talk to all of you later.  Have a nice evening and take care of yourselves.

 

Love ya, Cyn