Favorite Sayings 
and you can add your own

Random Jokes
Changed when I get the time..lol
When I do add new Jokes ... they will be listed first and I will remove the one from the bottom

Don't You Hate It When

You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.

The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.

There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.

The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.

You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up

An Elevator Story AN ELEVATOR STORY A boy and his father visiting the United States from a third world country were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father "What is this Father?". The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled in between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch ten circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother

Top 16 Signs It's Going To Be A Bad Day 1. You wake up face down on the pavement 2. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold 3. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better 4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles 5. Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business 6. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night's party - and there aren't any 7. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city 8. Your twin sister forgets your birthday 9. You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed 10. Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway 11. You see the "60 Minutes" News Team waiting in your Office 12. Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat 13. You walk to work and discover that your dress is tucked in the back of your pantyhose 14. Your kid say 'Did you know that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet?' 15. Your driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light, you drop it between your legs. As you frantically search for it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car. 16. You wake up to late to catch the van pool - then you realize that you're driving the van this week