Dear Aunt Aggie,

 

I am a healthy, red-blooded, american male in my early forties. I have never had a problem with relationships or sex. I have both a wife and a mistress, who are both quite satisfied with their positions. Additionally, my secretary and I occasionally nip into the broom closet to... shall we say... see what's up. My schedule is quite hectic, to say the least.

 

I have recently moved to a new house on the ocean and thereby is the root of my problem. (no pun intended) There is a woman, several houses down who sun bathes in the nude. I wouldn't know this except, my wife gave me a pair of binoculars for my birthday.  Having played with them for several hours and finding nothing of interest, I placed them in my underwear drawer, where they have rested for these past months.

 

My wife seemed to have her feelings hurt, that I wasn't thrilled over her gift. I took to wearing them around my neck, so she would think I was using them. On one such occassion, I held them up to my eyes and observed our neighbor, sunbathing in the altogether. I don't know if she is ugly or beautiful, as I have never actually seen her face. This could be my own fault, as I have never thought to check.

 

Since that time, these binoculars are part of my everyday attire. I wear them to the office, out to eat, while I am driving and during sex. Lately however, there hasn't been as much sex. Not only do my partners object to me wearing them... I can't wait to get home, change into a loose fitting pair of shorts and station myself on the upstairs patio, behind the potted psalms and... well you know.

 

You might think this is sick, but if only you could look thru those glasses, you would understand. Waiting anxiously for your reply.

 

signed ... Jack  Koff,  esquire

 

 

 

 

 

p.s. trying to hold them steady, but... well, you know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Jack K.,

My my.  And here I thought Dudley Moore and / or the 1980s were dead and buried.

Since what I mostly sense from your note is a cheerful disregard for anyone or anything other than your own selfish and purile pleasure, I say buy everyone you know binoculars and tell them it's the latest "thing".  A MUST fashion accessory.

If they are as Clueless as I imagine they must be, you will never lack for a dangling pair at hand.

In fact, I'd say your dangling pair are you very best friends to begin with.

Have fun!

 

oh.  And FYI:  The Neighbor?  Stay with the soft focus.  Even Bo Derek is not so much a "10" anymore.

 

AA.

 

---

 

Dear Aunt Aggie,

I am dating siamese twins. They are beautiful, intelligent and have a kind and sharing nature towards each other. ( a real plus in this situation)

  

The problem is, their libido fires up at different times. I pride myself on equal affection shown toward each, but one wiill be in the mood and will decide to sleep it out. Just as I'm lying there basking in the after glow of a very satisfying encounter, the other one will decide... that maybe she was in the mood, after all.

Aunt Aggie, I am completely worn out, have taken as many vitamins as my system can handle and have eaten volumious amounts of wheaties. I've even tried the Viagra route for the second time around. Invariably that excites the first one again. I'm really aprehensive about taking over six (6) of those pills in a single evening.

The cold hard fact is, I just can't keep up. I really don't want to give them up, as this is the most unique situation I have ever been romantically involved in. There is one other problem. If we do decide to marry and have children, how will I know which one is the mother.

Signed...
Tired, confused and grinning

 

 

Tish tosh, TCG: if you can't keep up with the demands of two women consecutively you are just a wimp.  Why I know libidinous fellows who actually have to get out of bed and drive to their next rendezvous, and here you have the luxury of "girl waiting" every night?

 

However I will concede the male body does need a time out to recuperate between engagements.  Perhaps taking up Three handed Pinocle between rounds?..

 

As for marriage -- Unless you are Mormons you would be marrying only one of the girls: so if you want to continue enjoying both young ladies favors equally I'm afraid marriage would put a stop to that. 

 

Hmmm it does seem Congress and Our Current President enjoy taking the idiosyncratic concerns of individual cases and making federal laws out of them -- and it's not like this law could possibly be of use to any other triumvirate; it has the added bonus of being heterosexual sex and fuel for red blooded American Male fantasy...

 

Good grief.  I just had a vision of you, TCG as a future world leader with the three of you grinning  from the cover of Time Magazine: The President and his First Ladies!

 

I have got to cut back on the Thai food after office hours.

 

but come now: not know which one is the mother?
Goodness me you really are confused dear.
Or the twins are conjoined sharing one set of hips. 

 

If that is the case go ahead and marry  -- your procreative exclusivity has a sort of "grandfather" clause.

 

Most men find they've married mood swing multiple personalities anyway --

 you'll simply, literally have a wife in stereo.

 

~A.A.

 

---

Dear Aunt Aggie,

 

I met this woman online, in a forum for animal lovers.She is a real smart cookie and  I enjoy exchanging information with her, on the care of our pets. I have a pit bull named "Sic em" and she has a cat named "Ms. Fluffy."  I never gave her a second thought as anything other than just a friend, until she described the way she rubs Ms. Fluffy.

 

Just the thought of her stroking her cat, running her hands all over the softness of it's fur, and thinking about it's little body arching under her skillful fingers, until Ms. Fluffy purrs with satisfaction... is driving me crazy. I can't eat or sleep and it's all, I can think about.

 

Aunt Aggie, I have always had a dog for a pet. Now I'm beginning to think, I should look into getting a cat. That way, we would have more in common. What do you think?

 

signed

 

Cautious And Tired

 

 

 

Ms. Fluffy

 

 

 

 

hmmmm kitty envy?
Probably not a good idea to bring a cat home just for the sensual thrill of silky softness and slinky responsiveness. 

Get a girlfriend.

Get a petit girlfriend with above average flexibility.
Bet you're not thinking about a quadroped anymore, are you?

 

CAT, I am sure the pet you have would appreciate attentions affectionate -- being a Pit Bull, you better ask his permission first. keep in mind, it is good to love your pets.. but Loving your pets is a particular kink not best shared.  In a family oriented publication.

 

~A.A.

 

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