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Creative Writing : The Kiss
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Reply
 Message 1 of 6 in Discussion 
From: MSN NicknameJodie_3  (Original Message)Sent: 2/23/2008 10:20 PM

25 years, a century,
maybe even
back to the time
when proto-beasts
came from the slime
how can a kiss
last as long as this?
But it did.

It explored warm caves
of thickened honey and silk
then took blind paths
to mysterious valleys
& drank the milk
from the mountain mists,
then headed for the clouds
and touched them wispily
followed shapes dreamily
(made a little electricity)
and
traced and trickled
the blue sky down,
right down to the ground
just long enough to know
the sweet grass underneath
and on brown earth rested
paused a minute to breath.
But the kiss did not seperate,
it was not ready for this,
it slid on into deep pools
of mineral blue
& with its two tongues tied
stopped awhile
to sculpt anew
two sensual bodies,
wrapped and knotted
around each other
curved, soft,
hard, strong
could have stayed the summer long
in, out, roundabout


But rain spattered down
gusts whipped up the trees
at the end of the park
and so the kiss took it's ease
as the storm gathered up
and they lay there beneath

cold rain-soaked leaves.

And the kiss ended there
woken by this monsoon
but not before it had vowed
to be back again soon .



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Reply
 Message 2 of 6 in Discussion 
From: MSN NicknameneverCominHomeSent: 2/25/2008 1:42 PM
AMAZING!!!  I love these lines
 
It explored warm caves
of thickened honey and silk

 
wow...keep writing!  Jen

Reply
 Message 3 of 6 in Discussion 
From: MSN NicknameJodie_3Sent: 2/25/2008 3:52 PM
Thanks Jen  :)

Reply
 Message 4 of 6 in Discussion 
From: MSN NicknameneverCominHomeSent: 3/6/2008 9:28 PM
I just had to come back to this...maybe hoping to be kissed that way!  rofl...wow...

Reply
 Message 5 of 6 in Discussion 
From: MSN NicknameJodie_3Sent: 3/9/2008 4:51 PM
lol, if you find him let me know where he is  :))
 
 
 

Reply
 Message 6 of 6 in Discussion 
From: MSN NicknamegreyingredSent: 3/28/2008 7:59 AM
First off.....I am no expert....I can be an idjut etc...but this poem needs editing.  It is actually rather good especially the first two stanzas.  I think that the next stanza is weak and the final stanza does the opposite to what you want, which is to end neatly. It has none of the tone of the first two stanzas and almost sounds like a tack on by someone else less talented. Though I would try and use the monsoon image somewhere else because it is good.
 
Har har please feel free to belt me over the head with an anthology.
 
bec

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