Wit, Sarcasam and Artistic Musings

Shoots and Ladders

Hey everybody; it’s good to be back. I really mean it, it’s good to be back because I think I was about 2 foot/pounds away from never coming back, or what ever it would take to crack my skull open and break my neck!
First, I’ll tell you what I remember then I’ll tell you what I figured out about a week later.
Sunday, December 21st, (if the date’s wrong it’s because my brains are still recovering), my dog was freaking out for some strange reason so I walked around the house trying to figure it out. Ah, a smoke detector is beeping and the sound just causes her to yelp and tremble and, as you may know, if you change one battery in those damnable things, you better change them all. I grabbed a pack of those square, 9-volt batteries and started my duty and I told the wife to take the dog outside until I was done because, sometimes, they will beep once or twice when you change the battery. Now, and I hope you agree with me here, when I got to the family room I started cussing out the damned fool that figured the smoke detectors belong at the apex of a vaulted ceiling; about 13 feet up! I mean, really, do I have any friends that are 11 feet tall that will choke to death before the smoke gets down to 8 or 9 feet? I went out and got my tallest step ladder, (7 feet), climbed up to the top step, (you know, the one that says do not use this as a step), spread my feet out side to side for balance, reached up and changed the battery, that was easy enough. Then�?then, like a damned fool, before I moved my right foot to the center I stepped off with my left foot to go down�?Well hell, the ladder swung right; I reached left to grab the dropped-ceiling next to me and my fingers just slid right out and I swear to God I said, “This is gonna hurt�? that’s the last thing I remember until I heard my wife saying, “Honey, can you hear me?�?BR> I struggled to open my eyes 2 or 3 times, they just did not want to stay open. When they did I was confused, everything was a forest green, and I couldn’t see a thing. Oh, it’s the carpet, why am I laying face down? All sorts of weird things were going through my aching head�?BR> “Honey, can you hear me!!??�?
“Yeah, um, I hear you.�?nbsp; Confusion still rampant and I tried to roll over.
“Don’t move, don’t move!!!�?BR> “Why?�?and I pushed off to roll over. “Oh GAWDAMN!�?nbsp; My head was spinning and the world turned red for a moment and I almost went out again.
The next thing I knew I was surrounded by a half-dozen big, burley guys in some sort of uniform. Now, to you ladies this may have been a nifty situation but I would have preferred someone a little more feminine. Anyway, they were tromping around in these heavy boots and although they were all big, (well, from the floor my dog looked big), I couldn’t focus on them. One of them reached, ever so gently, to the back of my head and�?nbsp; “YEEEOOOOWWWW!�?I had a bump on the back of my head the size of an NFL football. He said, “That must hurt?�?nbsp; Well, no s**t Dick Tracy!

Then I said, “Nobody move!�?nbsp; I startled them; I guess they thought all that poking and prodding hurt something. “Where are my glasses?�?nbsp; Well, that did startle them, without moving another humongous boot they all looked around. Somehow my glasses slid to the safety right next to the television, they handed them to me and the world came into focus; I was surrounded by 4 firemen, 2 ambulance paramedics, my wife, my daughter, son-in-law, a severely banged up end table, a strange looking lamp, a busted knick-knack or two, (I couldn’t tell), and, at my feet, a twisted ladder.

Anyhow, after some firm discussion, it was determined that my wife would drive me to the hospital; “No, I will not get in that ambulance!�?nbsp; Why, you ask? Well, I took one of those fancy, three mile taxi rides before and it came to a whopping $1,500 plus dollars. Fortunately, it only ran me $300, (ONLY!); my insurance covered the rest. (I would tell you about the other ride but it’s too embarrassing).
At the hospital I suffered through, poking, prodding, a push on the head, (OWWWW!), a push on the neck, (DAMN!!!), CAT scans, x-rays and what ever else they could come up with and in the end he told me, “You gave yourself one helluva whiplash and a nasty bump on the head but nothing is broke. But let me warn you, this is going to hurt for a while.�?nbsp; As I remember I said that some time earlier.
Well, that’s what I remember at the time; but let me tell you what I figured out after a little CSI work. (I just wish that Catherine Willows was there to help me; oh, my sweet wet dream).

Anyway, where was I? Sorry, I got sidetracked for a few days; that’s been happening a lot the last two weeks.
We, (Mama and I), looked over the Crime Scene very carefully about three days later and came up with this scenario.

“Okay, these chunks out of the wall are from the ladder, right?�?I asked.
“Mm hmm, and the DEEP SCRATCHES on MY TABLE are from the ladder.�?She was not happy about her new end table being marred. Expensive tables, I paid $5.95 for them at a yard sale.
“I see,�?I commented, “And the ladder swept the table and broke your little knick knacks; But, what’s this big dent on the edge of the table�?the ladder wouldn’t have done that?�?BR> “That was your head you big, hard-headed lunk!�?/DIV>

Are you kidding me! I knelt down and thought about that dent, it was deep and about 6 inches long.
I fell off that ladder, ripped a chunk out of my arm, somehow, put a deep 8 inch cut on my lower back and put a dent in that wood table the size of the football on the back of my head and I was out like a cheap light bulb.
The wife hears the crash, runs in the house, sees me and calls our daughter, “Come over quick, Wally fell and I can’t get him up!�?(Okay, don’t laugh, that is what she said.)

Our DAUGHTER!?!? Why not ask the dog’s opinion? Thank God they live next door.

Anyhow, they moseyed over thinking I tripped over my own feet and couldn’t get up. (Gee, thanks kids). My daughter walks in the door and nearly freaks out. (For three days she came over every day just to see me because she felt bad.)
My son-in-law was the only one to think, “Dial 911�?

I stared at that dent for a long time and wondered; is that what it would be like to die? Don’t ask me why that crossed my mind, it just did. How much harder could I have hit that table and, “BOINK�? lights out for good. Wouldn’t even know it. Huh! Ain’t that something?
And the hand that stroked my head and the voice that said, “Honey, come on, get up now.�?Would have been from Jennifer Aniston wearing a shear white robe and a striped tie strategically placed�?with a knock out smile�?and, oh, sorry; got carried away. I mean, hey, if I’m going to Heaven, might as such have a great greeting.

Well, to be honest, I prefer not to find out about that just yet; even if it is Jen that’s going to greet me.
It’s been two weeks and the cuts have pretty well healed and the blood cleaned up, (my cuts bled out all over our carpet, nobody cared about my shirt), most things are patched up and painted; although I think I’ll leave the dent, it’ll be a great conversation piece. The bump has gone down but it still hurts, and the Doc told me that I will have symptoms of a bad whiplash for a while, and do I ever.
Well, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it; probably won’t be back until Monday so see you then.

So, ‘til the next time, remember, “Formerly, when religion was strong and science was weak, men mistook magic for medicine; now, when science is strong and religion weak, men mistake medicine for magic.�?/DIV>

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