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The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
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I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
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For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
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To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are sometimes better than kids ..they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
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Red Ribbon Blue Ribbon
This lady goes to a vet and learns that that if you put a ribbon around a snoring dog''s penis he''ll roll over and stop snoring. The next night her dog is snoring so she goes to the kitchen and gets a red ribbon and ties it around her dog''s penis. His snoring stopped. Later on that night her husband is snoring and so she goes to the kitchen and gets a blue ribbon and ties it around her husband''s penis, and he stops snoring. The next morning her husband wakes up and looks at his dog and looks down at himself. "I don''t know what happened last night, but it appears we came in first and second." |
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As seen in a dog's diary
7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite! |
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As seen in a cat's diary
Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with
bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am
forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of
escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and
repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on
their favorite chair - must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan... There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
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Walking the Dog
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog
was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
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check-out this kid's face - - - - - -> but the dog rather likes it! how do you thiink people do this, we don't walk up to someone and sniff their butt, but we do perform other tricks - what do you do? i rub my chest on a man when i talk with him. |
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I look him straight in the eye. But it's not a confrontational look. It's an "I can get enough of what you're saying" look. |
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| NEW BREEDS OF DOGS | The following breeds are now being considered for recognition by the AKC:
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu
Bull Shih Tzu, a gregarious but unreliable | | |
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A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not." The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass." "Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn." |
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Two alligators were sitting in the swamp talking. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't understand how you kin be so much bigger'n me. We's the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator. "Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?" "Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol." "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase."
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