Chapter 11

I wanted my Dad back in my life. Chris was wonderful, he loved all of us like a man should love his family, like a Dad should love his children�?But he wasn’t mine. I was never sure how it would be if I saw him again and I was never sure why I wanted to see him so desperately, but I needed something to fill the hole I’d been left with. I needed confirmation that I was still his little girl, that he loved me. I didn’t have that when he left because he just vanished. How can any child be sure of something if there are so many questions that lay unanswered? How can they believe something if the answers to those questions have been buried?

I was utterly clueless about most things in my life for a long time. I knew that I loved my Mum and I was scared of allowing Chris to get too close in case he took her away, which is why I played so hard to try and make sure she was all mine. Regardless of that, I knew in my heart of hearts that I wanted to be able to love Chris too. I wanted to be a happy little girl who could accept the “Dad�?in him that he was prepared to offer, but I couldn’t. I thought that if I did, any chances of my Dad coming back would be ruined and if he did come back, he’d be mad at me for loving another man as a Father.

Even though I know there are some members of my family who will cringe when reading this or feel a slight twinge of pain, I don’t care. You see, I love my Dad and his family dearly and I always have done. I would never set out to intentionally hurt them, but there are times in this book where I have already and still do intend to tell the truth and to tell it how it is. Whether it be the truth as it happened or just the truth of raw emotion, it is true to me and that’s the whole reason why I am writing this.

With that said, I’d like to take the opportunity to just put a few things straight, for everyone to understand. Even though I tried my hardest to push Chris over the edge so he’d leave in the same way I thought any normal man would, I’m so glad he didn’t. I never did not love him and I take back all the times I screamed till I was red in the face, “I hate you�?or “you can’t tell me what to do ‘cause you’re not my Dad.�?It is true that one child will only ever have one Dad, but a Father can be found in anyone who has that same influence.

I think another reason why I got so angry as a child is because Chris did things for me that a Dad should do. Who gave me piggy-backs, took me on bike rides in the summer and sledging when it snowed? Who tucked me in at night and bought a lamp to my room when I was scared of the dark? Who helped me with my art and maths homework when I kicked and screamed because I couldn’t do it? Who followed me when I went out in search of my Dad? Who loved me for the good, the bad and the ugly whilst growing up? Who helped make me, me?

If Chris had been the kind of man to give up on me at the first hurdle, we would still be in that shit hole of a house at the top of the street - or another shit hole of a house - with practically nothing to our name and we’d still be the quiet, shy, scared-of-life people that we all were eleven years ago. I wish every person reading this knew Chris like we do. I mean, I’m not just singing his praises, I really do mean I wish you knew him, because he’s one of the kindest, down-to-earth, tell-it-how-it-is, amazing people I have ever met. I’m not saying he’s perfect and neither am I implying that he could replace my Dad, but as a family we really do have so much to thank him for. One of those reasons is the fact that I have never seen anyone make my Mum so happy and that is a gift I could never put a price on.

To love a woman in a way that she has never been loved is one thing, but to love her children as well, who didn’t have to be a part of the equation, is something entirely different. He has given our family everything that we could ever have wished for and multiplied it by a million. Through those good times, bad times, heartaches and simple pleasures of life, Chris was always there. The most remarkable and precious thing is, he’s still stood in the same place he stood from day one - at my Mum’s side.

I’ll thank him for that for the rest of my life.