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| | (1 recommendation so far) | Message 1 of 12 in Discussion |
| From:  Satinbear04 (Original Message) | Sent: 4/14/2005 3:17 PM |
As I lay on the floor, And my tears pour, I grab the photo I love, Once more. Look at the face I love so dearly, A face and love I treasure, But one which hurt severly. I slip into an unconscience dream, One of passion, And desire, One of wonders, Strong emotions like fire. I am happy now, But feeling tired, I'm running out of time, I'm thinking of you as I slowly slip away.... I died loving you today... I wrote this when I was 16 and experiencing what it's like to love and to lose. Please feel free to comment. I still feel there is something missing from my poetry. Peace x |
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| | | From: Zydha | Sent: 4/14/2005 4:42 PM |
What a sad and emotionally graphic read, Toni, you have posted some fine work today. I am not an expert, but, someone suggested to me when I first started exposing my personal poetry, that perhaps to try some in the third person may be another way of approaching emotionally charged pieces. I tried it with this, and it works quite well, Zydha |
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Hi Toni, I think as Zy says, it is sometimes easier to use the third person on emotionally charged pieces, but that being - I still like the personal touch of the first person, and you do this very well. Emma |
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Thank you, I have been writing poetry since I was 13, and I have a huge ring binder full of my writing. I write poetry to express all my emotions and certain things I go/have been through. I kept a sort of poetry diary, which is why barely any of my poetry is written in the 3rd person. But maybe I will try that approach at some point. Here's one poem I wrote in the 3rd person. If you could let me know what you think, I'd appreciate it.
Does she know why she cries? The stary night,
The pale moon lit sky,
As pearly tears fall from her eyes,
And her lost soul cries.
Does she even know why?
Does she know why she cries every night?
Why her heart,
And soul take flight, just for the night?
The sawing owl,
The spying bat,
Look over,
Where the girl is sat.
How can this girl look so sad?
She has a loving mum,
Sister,
And dad.
The lost girl wonders the woods of her mind,
Feeling alone,
Confused,
As if she can only lose.
Her talent is abused,
Answers she cannot find,
As another mist of tears cover her eyes....
Well, let me know what you think! Luv Toni xx
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Hi Toni, I thought this was good - you captured the lost emotions well in this - and the 3rd person slant does give a different kind of impact, yet still with great depth of feeling. Emma |
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Thank you very much Emma  I will continue to try to improve my poetry, but do not want to lose the personality of my writing. Thank you for all your comments  Luv Toni x |
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| | | From: Zydha | Sent: 4/15/2005 3:57 AM |
Hy Toni, like you, I used poetry to record/exorcise bad feelings for various reasons when young and through time one reason has persisted. At 60, I am still not free of a particular form of bullying. It is an excellent form of cathartic soothing, but I found it not to be the cure in over 50 years of writing for myself. But to let others read something and know they understood the inspiration, was my second bonus from bad times. My first, was to use the cure for the hurt, I learned to move above and beyond it, filing it away with my words. This read extremely well in the third person, and is worthy of it's place on the board as a main post. It sometimes hurts me to read your work, Toni (I have just worked through it all for a second read) especially this one, as it opens past doors for me. Well written, luv, Zy |
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Thank you very much Zydha, I am glad you can relate to my work, though I do not want to think my writing hurts you in a bad way. Thank you for your help and opinions as well :) xx |
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| | | From: Zydha | Sent: 4/17/2005 5:10 PM |
No Toni, doesn't hurt in a bad way really, but just opens doors I closed a long time ago. I read 'all' of your poems the other night and was suprised at some of the similarities from when I was your age and younger, thats all. Yes, I do relate to some of your work, much more than you would know. Hey...opinions, lol, you get those here!!! Ask Fluff!, Bye, Toni x |
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Yes it sounds to me we had a lot in common and thought in much the same way :) Glad my writing doesn't hurt in a bad way, and I will always be grateful for any comments/suggestions! xx |
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lovely poem, Toni. Written with touching honesty. Steve |
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