CAT-ASTROPHE

It's my neighbour's blasted tomcat,

He's been coming around at night,

Spraying all my lawn and vegies

And just itching for a fight.

He beat up my persian pussy

Ate my goldfish for entree

Then he terrorised the fowl yard

Now the chooks refuse to lay.

And my german shepherd watchdog,

He defended for a night.

But when half his ear went missing

He lost all his will to fight.

So I thought I'd fix this tomcat

That was piddling on my lawn.

I would make this manic moggy

Rue the day that he was born.

Sev'ral rabbit traps I buried

In the garden near his scent.

I would send this feline blighter

Down below where cats are sent

But my dog and poor old pussy Were my catch that fateful night.

And the tom gave both a hiding

While he had them chained up tight.

Now the vet's bills are arriving

After fixing up my pets,

And the only ones still smiling

That damn tomcat and the vets.

Logic said a dose of poison

Was a sure way to succeed.

So I dosed some meat with strychnine

And laced a lethal feed.

Then I hid it where he'd find it

Locked my pets up for the night.

Feeling guilty of my tactics,

Though all is fair in love and war.

But next morn, on my inspection,

On the pavement and on the street

Lay a dozen canine corpses

And my piece of poison meat.

With his feral feline cunning

He had carried out my bait

And had fed the district dog pack

On the pavement near my gate.

Meanwhile, up there on some gate-post

As he preened his useless hide

Was that loathsome mongrel tomcat

In the sun in place of pride.

So the fight was on in earnest

And the battle lines were drawn.

If he wanted war--he'd get war.

He'd be dead before morn.

In the dark that night I waited

With an ambush in the gloom.

Till I heard the cat approaching

Unsuspecting---to his doom .

Then I flicked the switch and floodlit

All the confines of the yard.

And as I sqinted down the gun sights

This catburglar I'd bombard.

His round eyes lit up bright amber

And his roar concussed the night

As my finger sqeezed the trigger

With him squarely in my sight.

With a salvo to destroy him

Heading straight between the eyes,

He leapt sideways in the spotlight

Screaming loud defiant cries.

The blast ricocheted off the pavers

With a hollowed echoed clank,

Fast depleting all the contents

Of my neighbour's water tank.

I pursued him round the garden

With a furious barrage

And the Kingswood took a broadside ( kingswood is a car)

While asleep in my garage.

I was blasting in a frenzy

Disregarding consequence.

When the cat, in veil of darkness,

Slipped unscathed through the fence.

Well, the neighbourhood was woken

and patrol cars filled the street

As reports came in of warfare

So I chose to act discreet.

For I thought there may betrouble

So I declared a truce with cat.

And joined neighbours in pyjamas

Asking," what the hell was that?"

When the night returned to normal

I was plotting in my bed.

With his murder now an obsession

I sure wanted that cat dead.

It was time for rational thinking

With my pride now on the mat.

With my artful hunting prowess

I'd out smart that stupid cat

With the laundry door left open

Ev'ry night for a week.

I left milk and meat to feed him

Special treats cats like to eat.

So this pattern, with great cunning

Showed the cat I was a mate.

Then I hid inside a cupboard

On a sly nocturnal wait.

When I heard my victim feeding

Onhis meal there on the floor.

Through a complex pulley system

I pulled ropes and slammed the door.

And he arrogantly sat there

Like a placid fam'ly pet.

Looked up peeved as if to ask me,

" Ain't you learned your lesson yet?"

I would give him indignation

As I gripped my baseball bat.

I would make a lumpy carpet

From this egocentric cat.

As I faced him 'cross the laundry,

It was combat---hand to claw

Ther'd only be one survivour

From this last stand wash-house war.

But the cat danced like a fighter,

Dodging savage blows with ease.

And only two things wounded

were the twintub and the breeze.

Like a coward, he retreated

Chose to hide instead of fight

In the wife's new tumble drier

And I slammed the door shut tight.

Now a winner is a grinner

And I had him now for sure.

Though his yellow eyes glowed fiercely

Through the window in the door.

As I turned the tumble drier

To full revs and heat up high,

Captive cat began revolving

With a high-pitched cry.

And a half hour hot cycle

Saw the fur begin to fly.

When the drier stopped it's spinning

He lay there limp and dry.

In a sack I threw his carcase

It was time for me to brag.

When I tied the top securely

He was proudly ' in the bag."

I called my wife to praise me

Held the bag aloft with glee.

But this fleeting glow of glory

Was a short-lived victory.

As I held my prize triumphant

An eruption shook the sack.

And with teeth and claws like scissors

Came this furious attack.

From the bag(reduced to ribbons)

Launched the tomcat through the air

Like a pampant furry chainsaw

Gnawing shirt and skin and hair.

And my wife screamed out to stop it

I would do myself some harm.

But it's hard to put a cat down

When it's welded to your arm

....................................................

Well, I am back now from the doctors

With injections in my rear.

Crimped with stitches by the hundreds

And they think they'll save my ear.

And the skin graft's slowly healing

With my arm taped in a sling

And the tomcat's in my garden

Where he rules as a king.

And I feed my friend on Whiskas,

I'm a pacifist----bar none.

' Cause a cat is born with nine lives

And he nearly cost me , my one.

Bob Magor