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General : "How can I be supportive of friends if I can't smoke?"  
     
Reply
 Message 1 of 5 in Discussion 
From: Joel  (Original Message)Sent: 5/18/2006 11:58 AM
Hi there, I have just joined today having been nicotine free since for 12 days.

For the most part everything is going well but I have one big problem.

My very best friend who was my smoking buddy is trying to sabotage me by pushing me into unexpected situations that I'll find tough. I've told her I can only catch up for breakfasts etc for a couple of weeks (rather than boozing at the pub) but she'll agree to lunch, push it back a few hours and then insist on us having a wine then two then three...she knows that if there's a time I'll break down it's then, as the alcohol and being with her is such a trigger.

The next thing is that her father died just when I quit and I feel that I'm letting her down because I can't sit about smoking with her and I know she feels like I've left "the club" (a feeling you get from your smoking friends), and I think sometimes that supporting her even if it means smoking is far more important in the short term and that I should worry about quitting later and I know she feels this way. It feels selfish to avoid those situations with her at this time but I can't give up my quit.

I've explained to her how important this is to me and she gets abit distant and then tries to introduce a situation to tempt me. Tonight I have to go to another friends leaving drinks and all of my girlfriends there smoke, we would normally have a huge night but my plan is to have a couple wines, eat and leave. It's horrible because I make them uncomfortable now and the better I do the worse they feel. I don't blame them as I would have been the same a few weeks ago myself. The problem is that I feel as though I'm rejecting my friends (and I am to a certain extent) and they know it, because they smoke and they're pushing me. I know there's no real advice - you can say "they can't be real friends if they want you to smoke.. blah blah blah but they are good friends, they're also addicts and thinking with an addicts mind. That's not a reason for me to desert them. How have other people coped with this?

I just needed to get this off my chest to someone/anyone who might understand!

Thanks so much for this site which I've passed on to as many people as will listen. The education available here makes quitting inevitable.

I can't post on the site from work but will make my first post tonight when I get home.

Thanks,

Lisa.


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Reply
 Message 2 of 5 in Discussion 
From: JoelSent: 5/18/2006 12:13 PM
Hello Lisa:
 
I am going to attach a number of links to posts below that address how you can be with people who smoke and still maintain your quit. They will explore this issue from a number of different directions. Hope they help.
 
Joel
 
 I know I will quit again (Make sure to read the 101st post in that string)
 The relapse of a "social smoker" (Make sure to read the 88th post in that string)
 
 
 
 

Reply
 Message 3 of 5 in Discussion 
From: MSN NicknameStarshinegrl-GoldSent: 5/18/2006 1:25 PM
 
Hi Lisa,
 
first of all, let me please congratulate you on having the first twelve nicotine free days under your belt.
 
You really have given yourself the best gift anybody could possibly think of by no longer feeding your body nicotine.
 
I hope you are really proud of yourself and celebrate every single nicotine free day before you go to bed.
 
I am happy to read that mostly, you are having no big problems with your nicotine free life. As for your smoking buddy: I am glad you do not rely on her as a "quitting Buddy".
 
You say you feel selfish to avoid those situations with her. Avoiding Triggers  ... you are still making Adjustments: Dealing With Life Without the Drug ... if she is really your friend, she would want much more support in dealing with her Dad's loss (for which I am sorry ) than just somebody who is sitting there with her smoking. A cigarette would not bring her Dad back but it might cut short her own life. "Our cigarette, our friend"  has never made anything better and I don't suppose it will start doing now.
 
How can you support your friends: how about some hugs and some words / actions that show her you are there for her? You can support your friend(s) in anyway you like ... and you will be able to do it much better as you don't have to concentrate on how to get your next fix.
 
She might also be envious of you for being able to live without nicotine. Not that she would admit this, of course ... Lisa, you know if she is really your friend ... she would support you in everything you do - the same way you are supporting her. Perhaps it would be an idea to show her the www.whyquit.com site or Joel's articles, ultimately though it is up to her to have the light bulb moment and realise what she is doing to herself.
 
Unfortunately, this is nothing which is strictly related to nicotine cessation but it is one of the biggest lessons we all have to learn and which deals with the answer to the question of Life is ... ?: Life does indeed go on without smoking ... so just one piece of advice: have a good look at your "friendship" and then decide whether you think it is one to treasure or to cut your losses.
 
I also think that sometimes it is good to be selfish, especially if it is your life your are fighting for because that is what you are doing. You know you can say "No thank you, I can't have a cigarette" - which is not strictly true (hope I don't get into trouble with Joel for this ) as you will always have the Option of relapsing again. As you have been living nearly two weeks and proven to yourself that you don't need a nicotine fix in whatever circumstance, you truly have the choice now.
 
I know Joel has already recommended that you read Offers for cigarettes - I would like to put it in here again, as I think that is an absolute great way to make people stop trying to push you back into an actively using addict's life again.  
 
He has already given you other great reading recommendations ... I hope you will read them all (perhaps even for the second or third time). There is so much to learn about our shared addiction and you found the best place to get to know everything there is to know about nicotine addiction - and much more beside.
 
One of the biggest obstacles for me personally was junkie thinking, when I was still smoking and in the early stages after I had quit. One article that I read over and over again was "Nicodemon's" Lies? Of course, there is no nicodemon BUT the lies there are all countered by so very obvious truths. Have a look, you might find one or two (or even more) that you can identify with.
 
Yes, only a couple of weeks ago, you used to be like those smokers you are now watching. In the meantime, though, you have learnt how to fly ... Isn't it just great? 
 
 
Are you rejecting your friends?  I don't think you are but what you are doing is  Making your quit your #1 priority, which is great to see. You are also showing them by your example that a nicotine free life is not only possible but do-able and hopefully, some of your friends will follow your example sooner rather than later.
 
Lisa, you are doing absolutely fantastic! You really have set out on the most exciting and rewarding journey of discovering or re-discovering the real you ...

... this Journey home  is so worth it! And so are you!
 
Wishing you a good nicotine free day today!
 
Gitte
538 days and a bit

Reply
 Message 4 of 5 in Discussion 
From: MSN Nickname_forza-d-animo_Sent: 5/19/2006 3:30 AM
Hello Lisa,
I can't say that I can relate to your situation. No one tried to sabotage my decision to quit nicotine. I have heard others express the same concerns about friends, lovers and spouses and I understand the tremendous hurt that you must feel. You are dealing with the inner turmoil of nicotine recovery and would rather your friends were supportive instead of antagonistic. I did however live with a smoking spouse for 1.5 years until she finally quit smoking 2 months ago. I wish she would have quit sooner but I know that I was an influence even if it did take 17 months. You are the maverick amongst your friends and it is very likely that eventually, one of them will follow you too.

You made an important point in your message, "they're also addicts and thinking with an addicts mind." The only difference between you and them is that you have made the choice never to suffer withdrawl again. Once you have made up your mind Lisa, it does not matter what happens around you, you remain secure in your decision and resolute. Don't fall into the trap of blaming your circumstances. You have already quit. 12 days have passed. You are not trying to quit or to remain nicotine free. You have quit. You are nicotine free.

What you friends do may test your resolve and even make you angry but you are of free will. You can choose to be with them or not. You can choose to smoke or not. I am not going to attempt to give you advice on how to handle your personal relationships but I will tell you this about your addiction, it is priority one. Just think about all of the time you spent preventing withdrawl, by smoking. If you devote even half of that time to learning about your addiction, there will be no circumstance that arises that you will not be able to deal with because knowledge of your addiction is the key to your recovery.

Read as much as is practical for you.

Joseph
19 months

Reply
 Message 5 of 5 in Discussion 
From: JoelSent: 5/5/2007 10:03 PM
Related Videos
 
Video Title
Dial-Up
HS/BB
Audio
Length
Added
Telling others that you have quit smoking 2.53mb 7.58mb 1.30mb 08:57 10/17/06
Talking to others about not smoking 5.60mb 16.8mb  2.22mb 15:13 11/19/06
 Dealing with people who try to undercut your quit  6.52mb  19.5mb    17:42  11/12/06

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