I have always been a warm, caring soul, believing in old-fashioned ways of life and being filled with respect, honesty and dedication. But being this way has made my journey to find love a long journey, most believing they didn't deserve someone as "good" as I am. I have my faults just like anyone else and I am far from being perfect, I just believe in being me.
That is where the dilemma starts. I think that the first 10 years of my life was normal. At least as far as I can remember. Unless there is a part that I have purposedly forgotten, I remember a normal childhood. Growing up on a farm as an only child, I had imaginary friends and played imaginary games. As I got older, things started to change.
I seldom dream, but when I do dream, it has much to do with either what is going on in my life or what is about to happen. With Ronald Reagan's passing, I had a dream two days before that Nancy Reagan was crying before a casket draped in an American flag. I told my girlfriend and she was so shocked when she heard it on television that she called me at work to tell me that my dream had become a reality. It seems normal to me.
But the majority of my dreams, as far back as I can remember, affect another part of me. It affects who I believe I should have been, not only on the inside, but on the outside too. Maybe it all started when my mother told me that I would have had an older sister, but she did not live through birth. My older sister would have been almost 10 years older than me, for I did not come along until my parents were in their late 40's. Of course that lead to losing my Father in 1994 and losing my Mother in 1999. But anyway back to the dreams.
In my dreams I am not me. I am a totally different person. In these dreams I am the same person every time, but it is not me. I walk different, I talk different, I look different in the mirror, I sound different. I am not me. It makes me wonder if I am really who I am supposed to be.
These dreams continue pushing and pushing me into sometimes almost believing that I am this person in real life. But looking in the mirror proves that I am not. Not only that, but if I were to become this person that for some reason I so want to, my entire life would have to change. I would lose my girlfriend, who I love very much, I would lose my job, which is the only thing I know how to do, I would lose my friends and I would lose everything I have now. But is there anyone that can understand what I am going through and is there anyone who will still be there when I tell the whole story? If anyone wishes to help me on this and listen to the whole story, including me revealing some secret things I thought I would never discuss with anyone... please let me know. For I feel that if I don't get this out of my system (at least share it with someone) then this person will soon escape and I will lose everything. Part of me wants that to happen, part of me doesn't. It's a lot more than you think. But nothing bad. Nothing that will harm anyone and nothing that will break any laws or anything like that. Well, I will probably lose my girlfriend if she knew the whole truth. I will leave it at that and let the members of the group decide who wants to help. Please e-mail me at my address posted in the guest book (or maybe here) or I will check back day to day.
Thanks for any help anyone can offer...
Jonathan
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