Dear Lis,
I am just read your story and it just tears at my heart. I know how difficult that must have been for both you and your little daughter. I also wish we could foresee the future, because if we could Andy would be here today as well. After Andy died I carried a lot of guilt for the longest time. The Thursday before Andy died his brother James came into the house carrying Andy's pack sack, and when I asked him how come he was carrying the pack sack he told me it was because Andy was leaving it laying around the park and he was afraid someone would take it and Andy would lose his school books. I then asked why Andy wasn't carrying his own pack sack and James' reply was that Andy was hanging out with some of their friends at the park and was unaware that James had the pack sack. Something about James' answers didn't seem to ring true to me because James normally didn't take care of Andy's stuff. They were brothers, but like brothers they didn't babysit each other in that way and I knew that. But, because I was talking to James and Andy's dad (my son) I didn't pursue with the questioning. To this day I regret not continuing questioning James about that darn pack sack. I believe had I started pressuring him he would have told me that Andy was vomiting and I would have wanted to know why Andy was vomiting which I believe would have changed the whole scenario that night. After Andy and James came in to go to bed I spoke with Andy downstairs and I was no more then a foot away from him, and there was nothing that I could see that gave me any indication that there was a problem. Yet, even after we were all in bed for the night, something was telling me I should go check on them, but I didn't because I didn't want them to think I was treating them like babies, or that I was turning into an over-protective grandma. Again, I regret not going to check on them. Had I gone I think I would have realized that something was wrong because James told me that Andy was almost asleep before I even made it up the stairs. No one, especially a teenager, falls asleep that fast and if I would have seen that it would have definitely been an indication that they had taken something. The problem is I know all of this now, but I didn't know it then. Just like you, you know the circumstances now, but you didn't know it then. You were being a normal mom. Like Susan said, had you known what was about to happen Benny he would have gotten that airplane ride to his booster seat in the car. Had you known what would have happened you never would have started the car. So, you can't blame yourself, it was an terrible, unfortunate accident. I also believe that your precious little son, being as happy as you say he was, would want you to be happy. I found this poem that I thought was so nice and it brought me comfort when I read it. I don't know if you've ever read it or not but I've posted it here for you to read in case you have not seen it before. I hope it bring you as much comfort as it brought me.
Hugs....Shannon
To my dearest family, some things I’d like to say
But first of all, to let you, that I arrived OK.
I’m writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there’s no more tears of sadness; Here is just eternal love.
Please do not be unhappy just because I’m out of sight
Remember that I am with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through.
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, “I welcome you.”
“It’s good to have you back again, you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, They’ll be here later on.
I need you here so badly, you are part of my plan.
There is so much that we can do, to help our mortal man”
God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night the day’s chores put to flight
God and I are closest to you…in the middle of the night.
When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years.
Because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.
I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
If I were to tell you, you wouldn’t understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is over.
I’m closer to you now, than I ever was before.
There are rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
But together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I’d like it for you too;
That as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.
If you can help somebody who is in sorrow and in pain;
Then you can say to God at night….”My day was not in vain.
And now I am contented…that my life was worthwhile.
Knowing as I passed along the way I made somebody smile.”
So if you meet somebody who is sad and low,
Just lend a hand to pick them up, as on your way you go.
When you’re walking down the street and you’ve got me on your mind;
I’m walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.
And when it’s time for you to go…from that body to be free.
Remember you’re not going…you’re coming here with me. <o:p></o:p>
Author Unknown
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