After my husband died from a heart attack in 2004, I never would have believed how difficult it would be for me
to accept the loss of Tom. Looking back to that Christmas, a Christmas spent alone in tears, three more Christmases
have come and gone, and though they say “Time heals all wounds�? my heart, my mind, my very being aches and
misses him more than any words could ever express. In the beginning I closed away friends, distant relatives and
neighbors!
I stayed to myself, comforted by memories and photographs of moments shared over the course of 16 years of
marriage. In truth, our life together was much more than a “Marriage�? It encompassed everything that other couples
wished they could nurture and watch grow between two people in love! Tom never hurt me once, and not once did
he ever say something hateful towards me is we disagreed.
For those two acts of kindness I will never forget my husband. Sure we disagreed from time to time and that’s expected.
He shared his smiles, that look in his eyes that made me feel “Desired�?even without my make-up on and my hair a
mess, sitting on the couch in my pajamas! He made our life together feel “New”�?in a way like newlywed’s feel in
that first year of marriage! Perhaps what made our love more special and meaningful compared to other couples was
the awareness inside both of our hearts that…”We didn’t want to ever be apart, alone, to look back with regret at what
we once shared, but weren’t smart enough to realize it until we were divorced!�?/FONT>
We were partners and in the best of ways made each moment count, even more so after Tom had his heart attack!
Those eleven days in the hospital at times seemed too short a time to say “Good-bye�?to Tom, and at other times it
seemed that eleven days were actually a year. Tears fall again as I pen these thoughts in my diary! A book I open
each day and read my feelings once bottled up inside! Many times Tom slept or was too weak to speak and when he
squeezed my hand, as his eyes looked into mine so lovingly, I didn’t see pain or fear, but happiness in knowing “He
wasn’t alone at such a terrible time�?
When he did speak to me it was with softness, and concern for the suffering I was going through, rather than what he
was going through. His optimistic outlook I confess wore off on me, supported by Dr. Anderson and of course, the
nurses that practically never saw us apart. I saw awe in their eyes when they would softly knock, enter and administer
either medication, bring in Tom’s meals or take him to another floor for more tests. I wish now that I could have known
Tom would die in that hospital bed on December 21, 2002! I would have tried twice as deeply to make him feel as loved
as he had made me feel! But I also quietly felt relieved that I hadn’t known because I know I would have fallen to pieces
with grief, and he wouldn’t have wanted to see me like that!
Couples just don’t know when a partner will be “Called home to God�? and many are cheated of the opportunity to “Say
good-bye�?to the one they love! After the funeral, the hardest part was not driving back home with tear streaked eyes,
so red I could hardly see the next car ahead of me, but rather, pulling into the driveway and seeing his red Ford F-150
red truck. OMG, how the tears did flow that afternoon! It took several attempts to get the key in my hand into the lock
in the front door, and even more strength to turn the knob and step inside.
Before I could lay the key ring on the stand beside the door, I fell to the floor and I cried until there were no more tears
left! I don’t remember much of that first week without Tom. I guess I was just overwhelmed knowing he really was gone.
Gone forever from my side! I moved out of that house only a few months later and found a cute little house on the far side
of town which was close to the cemetery where Tom was buried. Such a move was necessary both for my mind but also
my health.
I decided to walk every day, and the walk to the cemetery, to kiss Tom’s headstone, and sit beside it and share with
Tom what I had been doing was good “Therapy�?for me…at least I hoped it was. Slowly, I was able to come to terms
with my loss, but one can never fill the “Void�?in ones heart from the loss of a spouse! The most we can hope for is to
look to the future with hope rather then look back on marriage with regrets!
When December, 2005 came around, just as I had done in Christmases past, I put up no decorations, no tree, and no
lights! Instead, I got out the photo albums that captured Christmas Moments years past, and through the tears, I also
smiled, because the old saying, “A picture is worth a thousand words”…is absolutely true! But my life was about to
change in ways I could never comprehend or prepare myself for in October, 2008. For reasons I still can’t explain, I moved
out of that house near the cemetery and bought a tiny one bedroom house on a small 20 acre lake just outside of town.
I had been reading the newspaper, and my eyes barely noticed the real estate photo and I just stared at the picture. It
was as if I was being “Drawn�?to look at the picture and “Couldn’t�?take my eyes off the picture! Perhaps subconsciously,
was trying to “Let Go”…though no one really completely lets go of a lost loved one! They will always linger somewhere
within our heart and mind. I called the realtor, got the specifics on the house for sale and of course the “Non-stop sales
pitch�? To them, it’s all about “Commission, Commission, Commission!�?This particular house had no “Bells & Whistles
charm”…in fact it looked very unassuming to the eye. Even more so, as I sat in Mr. Richard’s office, looking at his eyes
“Size me up�? or was it his anticipation of making another fast sale?
Regardless, things were going well for both of us I felt…that was, until I mentioned that I would like to look the property
over, asking what time was convenient for him. Suddenly his smile slowly faded, and the once sparkle in his eyes
disappeared as well! Instantly, I felt the nervous! He was hiding something! I could see it written all over his face, but what?
Was it a bad neighbor next door, bad wiring, plumbing problems, a leaky room, or wood rot? Nervously I pressed for a
specific time to see the house, and asked him “What was wrong�? There was only silence! It was if he knew something
“Sinister�?about this out of the way house, something that frightened him!
When I began to stand, he motioned his hand for me to stay, reflecting his best “Fake smile�?and assured me there
wasn’t any problem with the house and offered to show me the house this afternoon, if that was convenient with me.
Call it curiosity, or foolishness, but I chose to see the house, even though my gut instinct told me not to. It was almost
lunch time and I was hungry, so I asked if 2pm or 3 pm would fit into his schedule, and he told me 3pm would be fine.
But still there was hesitation in his voice.
As I sat in Millie’s Café eating a BLT on Rye, with my small green salad, I looked down at the picture of the house in
the newspaper. I read the “Sales pitch�?come on lines, made to make a homebuyer “Snatch the house�?off the market
this very day. Sugar coated ads never convinced me to buy anything! Sure, maybe spark my interest, but physically
inspecting a new home is really no different than “Kicking the tires�?on the next car one is about to buy! After lunch I
could have went home, to a park, or shopping, but instead, I opted to drive straight to the little house that seemed to
be “Calling out to me�?
As I parked in the driveway, my eyes gazed first at the Yard, then the house and finally to the golden leaves as they
fell gently to the ground. Clouds were breaking up and bits of blue sky began to peak out between the clouds! It looked
like it was going to be a clear but cold night! Right off the bat I noticed the chimney and I felt a smile come across my
face! Tom loved the fireplace glow on these cold winter nights as we snuggled on the couch listening to romantic music.
I felt my heart skip a beat, a beat with sadness, reminding me Tom would not be next to me on the couch if I decided
to buy the house.
Houses look so sad when they are empty. It’s like they have a life of their own and are happy when someone lives
within them. I shook off my thoughts of winters past, and stepped out into the brisk air. I didn’t plan on waiting outside
in the cold until Mr. Richard pulled up. I’d be waiting in my car with the heater on! But at this moment, I wanted to
“Snoop around�? and try to find out before the realtor arrived what had caused the concern in his eyes when I asked
when I could do a “Walk thru�?of the house!
With my coat pulled tightly around me, I walked around all four sides of the house, inspecting the foundation, the
window frames and the walls, but I saw nothing unusual. I even took a close look at the porch steps. Next, I walked
around the two car garage, and even walked inside since the garage door was up. Nothing to cause alarm here. I walked
along the white picket fence on all four sides. Besides being in need of a fresh coat of paint, all looked normal. Process
of elimination narrowed down possible problems to either the house itself, the basement, roof, or�?attic! Funny how I
never really noticed the white laced curtains on the attic window before.
I glanced down at my watch and decided to spend the next 15 or so minutes getting warm in my car �?that is, if
Mr. Richard was on time. On time he was as he pulled his blue Mercedes in along side of my less expensive Chevy
Lumina. When he stepped out, he carried with him a large folder of papers, “Hopefully expectant�?of closing the sale
on the spot! I couldn’t help but smile at his optimism! That was until I saw him look up to the attic window. That was
when he stopped smiling!
There was something wrong with the house! I knew it! But what? As I began to step out of my car, Mr. Richard was
already headed for the front door to unlock it as he began is memorized “Sales Pitch�? He patiently waited for me to
reach the door and open it, beckoning for me to enter first. As he opened the door I was caught by surprise by a sudden
gust of air. I stopped right in my tracks! Not because it was a bitter cold air, nor because I was afraid either. I don’t know
what my first impression was. But it was most unexpected. Mr. Richard cleared his throat, as if to encourage me to step
inside and I did.
Immediately I felt a smile come across my face as I looked at the living room that opened into a beautiful, but small
kitchen. I was captivated by the comfy, “Welcome home�?feeling that this room made me feel! I know it sounded
“Corny”…but now I knew why the picture of the house seemed to “Call out to me�? Patiently Mr. Richard let me wander
from room to room, without his “Pumped up sales pitch�? I hated those pressured sales pitches! When I had finished
looking in the pantry, my eyes turned to the ladder attached to the ceiling leading to the “Attic�?
Before I could ask him if he could “Pull the ladder down”…I could see his eyes staring at the ladder with a nervous
apprehension. I had to ask him “Twice�? if the ladder led to the attic, and without speaking, he nodded his head. “I
suppose you’ll be wanting to look up in the attic? There not much to it, just a few boxes up there and dust”…he told me,
hoping I would press the matter, but I did! “Of course, I’d like to look up there, its part of this house isn’t it Mr. Richard?�?
Reluctantly, he nodded, reached up and pulled on the cord and the ladder slowly came down.
Mr. Richard went up first as each step on the ladder creaked from his weight. When he reached the top step, his huge
hand pushed the attic door open and immediately a warmer than normal “Breeze�?caressed my face! That breeze
seemed so odd to me. Honesty, I expected a damp musky smell since the attic should have been colder then the
downstairs. As I looked up at Mr. Richard as he stepped into the attic, I remembered the attic window. The warmth I
felt must have been from the sun hitting the window.
He motioned for me to climb up the ladder, asking me to please be careful. When I too stepped into the attic, I saw
maybe a dozen dusty boxes stacked to the left of the window whose white laced curtains added a feminine touch to
the room. Surprisingly, there was no dust on the window. More unusual was that the glass window itself was clean,
without even so much as a spider web! Perhaps it was the warmth of sunshine coming through the window, or the
beautiful fall trees outside radiant in their fall colors, but I immediately at ease in the room. I wish I could say the same
for Mr. Richard, because he wasn’t at ease!
In fact, he was impatient to leave the attic and encouraged me to watch my step as I go down the ladder. His excuse
was that we had not seen the garage or the yard, but that was a hallow excuse to leave that room and somehow I think
he knew I knew! None the less, I went down the ladder, and waited for him to reach the floor and watched hi fold the
ladder and lift it back up until it was back up to the ceiling, as the cord swung back and forth.
Once again we walked back outside. As I stepped out into the yard, waiting for the realtor to give me the “Rest of the
tour�? I could have sworn that I saw the white laced curtain in the attic “Move; but knew it had to be my imagination.
After going to the garage and looking at the fence and shrubs, Mr. Richard asked me “What I thought of the place�? I
wanted this house, I really did. I wanted to call this my home, even if I was to live here all alone! But something was
still bothering me. I guess its human nature or curiosity to ask about the prior owner, so I did!
Mr. Richard, can you tell me a little about the previous owner of this house? There was a pause of silence before he
began to speak, as if he was choosing his words carefully, which made me even more determined to know who lived
in this house and why it was for sale. Mr. Richard was short and to the point in his disclosure. “There’s not a lot I can
tell you Ms. Brown, the previous owners name was Jacob Stacy and he and his wife lived here, oh twenty years I think.
He was married, but his wife passed away three years, no it was four years before he too passed away.
His son has the title to the property and I am handling the real estate paperwork for him. I really can’t tell you much
more.�?Was he telling the truth, or was there more that he was not telling me? Then He walked over to the hood of
his Mercedes and laid his folder on the hood and asked if he could go over some papers with me? The next few
minutes were spent explain the sale price, commission fee and escrow fees and the total asking price! I asked him
if I could have a few days to think it over. With a smile that held disappointment, he nodded and said; “Sure�? as he
handed me his business card.
The very next morning I left a message for Mr. Richard that I would like to talk to the previous owner’s son about
the house. A few hours, Mr. Richard’s secretary gave me the information I had requested. I called the phone number
but got only an answering machine. I left my name and number and a short message about the house. It wasn’t
until I was in the middle of making dinner that the ring of the phone startled me. It was William Stacy, Jacob’s son.
Jacob was a fresh change from the cold uninteresting voice of Mr. Richard. Jacob was open, relaxed, friendly and
excited that someone was interested in his father’s house.
What was clear to me was not Jacob’s excitement of a sale�?but rather that someone would be living in a house
that his father had lived his life in. over the course of an hour, with dinner on low; William shared with me many life
experiences of his father and Samantha, his only wife. Twenty plus years of love and laughter, and yes heartache
from Samantha passing away! Being retired, Jacob had a love of music and had been an amateur songwriter of
sorts. His only audience, and devoted fan though was Samantha, who felt blessed to be able to love a man who
played love song after love song for her.
Jacob didn’t have the voice to go with the sweet soothing romantic songs he strummed so easily! But William
said it never disappointed Samantha for a single moment. When Samantha died of heart failure, William said it
was as if her death made a part of his father die too! He was a changed man. Such a huge void in his life was
revealed. They say that when the bond of love between two people is that strong, that it isn’t that long before the
other space dies too. William said his father died almost a year to the date of Samantha’s death. It was a peaceful
death he told me. He had been writing a love song in the attic that fall afternoon in 2004.
If I had of been standing up, I think I would have fainted or at the very least dropped the phone to the floor. Now I
knew why Mr. Richard had been so nervous and evasive with me about the house and the attic! As I sat there in
my recliner, absorbing what had just been told to me, I remembered the Attic curtain as I stood outside the house.
“Did I actually see the curtain move�? or was it just my imagination? And the warmth in the room that afternoon,
Was it just the sun against the window glass? Why wasn’t there a speck of dust on the window sill? Was it a
sign that Jacob’s spirit still lingered in the house? Was he trying to tell me to buy his house?
My mind was spinning with confusion until William’s voice brought me back to my phone call! I asked if we could
meet each other to discuss the house more, but what my real reason was to learn more about Jacob! I told William
that my husband had passed away in 2004 of a heart attack. He agreed to meet me at the Denny’s restaurant for
lunch at noon the next day and I agreed. William was a charming gentleman in his 30’s, tall, neatly trimmed black
hair and deep blue eyes. With him his brought his wife Emily and the three of us had a wonderful lunch.
Amidst the bites were shared memories of Jacob and his wife, as well as Tom and I! I don’t know who cried more,
Emily or me. When the hostess brought us the bill, William insisted on paying the full bill. I think it was obvious that
I would buy the house to the three of us. The very next day I met with Mr. Richard at his office and started the
paperwork. In about 3 weeks, escrow was completed and the house was mine. To my surprise, Emily and William
volunteered to help me pack and move into my new home.
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