I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep
once in a while.

The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its
bowl.

I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until
I get hungry.

I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the
speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.

I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important
emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the house and any
wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside.

I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp
hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.

I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.

I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.

I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things
in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff
that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at
2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.

I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars
resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is
much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as
tasty.

I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get
high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards.

I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or
hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.

A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.