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Reply
| | From:  rat_lover64 (Original Message) | Sent: 7/20/2008 3:25 AM |
Some of you know, and some of you don't know, that I am unfortunately a victem of abuse. My father is always verbally abusive, and with me on a few occasions, physically abusive. He recently attacked me while in the car, and in trying to fight him off I got my wrist bent completely backwards so it's pretty screwed up. Then the other night he was yelling at my mom and whatnot, and he told us he was leaving. I was already going to a friends house and he told me not to expect him to be there when he got back. I asked my mom why she didn't seem upset and she told me that she was too tired to care, face it, when was the last time they had a marriage. So here I am thinking my life is over, thinking when I got back my dad wasn't going to be there anymore. As soon as my friend picked me up to take me to the get together she could tell something was wrong, and as soon as she asked me if anything was wrong I began crying hysterically and she of course had to calm me down. It was basically the party of me being passed from friend to friend getting gentle hugs and encouraging words, and being looked at funny by the guys who had no clue what was going on. Then when I called my mom, she was out on a date with my dad at some fancy italian restaurant and they had talked things over. He had just lost his temper. Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches. Forgive and forget. But I can't do that anymore. I hate my dad for what he did, and while I was hysterical at the thought of him leaving, I think I'm even more hysterical that my mom let him buy her back, because now nothing will change, if anything things will get worse. All of this is taking a tole on me and I feel like crap and I just hate my life right now, and worse of all I hate myself for thinking things had finally gotten better. Becca |
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| | | From: Tami62 | Sent: 7/20/2008 8:12 AM |
Hi Becca,
I am so sorry to hear that you have to endure such emotional pain on top of your physical pain.
I am also a survivor of abuse. It has been many years since I have had to endure such pain but you never forget.
I know your torment of being torn between loving and loosing your father or living with and hating him. It is a day to day battle from within you. Sometimes and unbearable one. My heart hurts for you. I am glad you have friends that you can turn to. It is important to build your safety net of support. Now that you are 18 or soon will be. You may be able to get into counseling on your own. I would check into what resources you have available to you for that. Talk to your doctor about it. You don't have to tell him/her that there are abuse issues. Just that you need help coping with how your RSD is affecting you in your life. That will get the door open to you to get some help.
I hated my dad until he left our home because of the abuse. After he left I missed him terribly. I realized I really loved him I just didn't want him to be the way he was and couldn't deal with it. Then he had a horrible accident a couple of years later and was killed. I never told him that I loved him. I wish I had just tried to go to counseling so that I could talk to him and maybe heal our relationship. I could see that he wanted to mend things but he just didn't know how. He might have gone with me if I had started myself. I was about your age when he passed away. I am 45 now and it still makes me cry when I think about it. We could have changed things if we had just tried to talk.
I am telling you this because I want you to know you are not alone and there are things in life that make people act and react in ways they later feel guilty for. I can tell by what you wrote that you love your father and are scared of him at the same time. You can't change anyone else but you can work on you and change the way you may react to him. That may change the way he interacts with you.
He may never change but you are old enough that you don't have to just take it anymore. Work on you and think about what is in your best interest. You probably need some help sorting things out. A counselor can do that. You definitely don't need to be hit any where. Or be in a physical altercation with anyone. It will only make your RSD pain worse. You need to also arrange a safe place for yourself in an emergency. Talk with your friends or other family members about staying with them when you see things are getting bad.
I hope you can find something that helps in what I have said. I want to talk with you more about this. If you want to talk to me just let me know and we can make arrangements to talk on the phone or in chat or instant messenger. Stay safe no matter what.
I will write to you again when you let me know you want to talk.
(((((Hugs)))))
Tami |
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Reply
| | | From: Tami62 | Sent: 7/20/2008 8:42 AM |
HEY BECCA,
I'M NOT YELLING ...I JUST HATE SMALL TYPE...LOL. I ALWAYS TYPE IN CAPS CUZ I CAN'T READ THE SMALL LETTERS. WE TALKED ABOUT A YEAR AGO AND NOW I'M IN MY 2ND YEAR OF THIS STUFF. I UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH PAIN YOU ARE IN AND I DO UNDERSTAND THE FRUSTRATION YOU FEEL. I GET REAL PIS$ED AT THE WORLD FOR WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME AND I AT TIMES DO BLAME PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT OR KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT. ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT IT IS A LOT EASIER FOR THE PEOPLE TO WALK AWAY FROM OUR PAIN CUZ THEY DON'T FEEL IT. OTHER PEOPLE HAVE LOOKED AT ME WHEN I'M IN PAIN AND YOU CAN SEE THEM ASKING THEMSELVES WHERE'S THE BLOOD, WHERE'S THE PAIN AT CUZ THEY CAN'T PHYSICALLY SEE IT. GIRL YOU TAKE THE BULL BY THE HORNS AND DON'T LET GO. I UNDERSTAND IT GETS HARD TO DEAL WITH DIFFERENT THINGS IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW AND I AM SORRY FOR YOUR TROUBLE, BUT IT CAN AND WILL GET BETTER AND IT WILL TAKE A WHILE FOR THE OTHERS TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR NOT DOING THIS ON PURPOSE AND YOU NEED THEIR SUPPORT INSTEAD OF ABUSE... UNDERSTAND PLEASE... YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR WHAT HAPPENS IN LIFE, YOU CAN'T PUT THE BLAME ON YOURSELF, FOR YOU TO REMAIN STRONG IN BODY , YOU ALSO NEED TO BE STRONG IN HEART, MIND, AND SOUL. WHETHER YOU BELIEVE IT OR NOT YOU ARE LOVED BY MANY AND THAT'S THE ONES THAT UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE AT RIGHT NOW AND WHERE YOU WILL BE AT IN THE FUTURE WITH THE PAIN AND MISFORTUNE YOUR HAVING . PLEASE DON'T BLAME YOURSELF FOR WHAT YOU CAN'T CONTROL. I WAS AT THE POINT OF PUSHING EVERYONE WHO I CARED ABOUT AND I HAD SOME PEOPLE LEAVE WHO I LOVED BUT COULDN'T HANDLE WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH. YOU CAN ALWAYS LOVE THEM NO MATTER WHAT, BUT ALWAYS LOVE YOURSELF FIRST CUZ YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU THE BEST. THIS IS TAMIS OTHER HALF AND I'M A STAGE 3 - 2 YEAR RSD SUFFERER AND I UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN. WE CAN TALK MORE LATER IF YOU WANT...I'M NOT BIG ON THE COMPUTER BUT I PROMISE TO LISTEN IF YOU NEED AN EAR TO BE OPEN WITH FEELING...LOVE TO YOU IN FRIENDSHIP...SCOTI. |
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Reply
| | | From: CJF830 | Sent: 7/20/2008 11:10 AM |
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Becca.
I to was a victim of abuse by my dad and I am 45 yrs old and still
cant find it in my heart to forgive. He took away my childhood. Most of which I
cant remember the normal things like school plays Christmases just most of my
life I have blocked out so I dont have to remember the abuse at his hand. It
tore my family apart on so many levels. Some when the abuse came out in the
open, didn't believe it and were angry at us girls for making up such horrible
lies and ruining their lives!!! Can you imagine we took the abuse and they felt
their lives were ruined......The abuse started when I was about 6 or 7 and
continued until I was about 17 when finally an adult took my story seriously and
went to child sevices. To this day he had not apologized only made excuses as to
why he did it And had the nerve to tell me i was a bad mother to my girls!!!! I
stopped talking to him finaly but the pain goes on for the rest of my life. I
recently thought of what would i do when the time comes that He died and I am so
torn I dont know what i would do. I thought if he died it would be over but then
i realized It will always be there inside of me. Dont get me wrong I dont ever
think it was my fault for what he did but I do hate that even though he isnt in
my life anymore he still hurts me.
I have had RSD for 8 yrs and I do get the looks of disbelief that I am sick
cuz I look well. I try to explain that even the shower hurts some days. The
water hiting my skin hurts so much I just cant stand it. And some doctors dont
believe you and think you just want the drugs..Yeah like this is how I want to
spend my life....
I do work full time but its getting harder every day to get out of bed and
get moving. But Thank God I have a great husband that gently pushes me and makes
me see the big picture of giving in and how fought bigger things then RSD
and survived......He is soooooo right.
Any time you want to talk feel free to email me at [email protected] and I could give you my
numer Carla
In a message dated 7/19/2008 10:25:40 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,
[email protected] writes: -----------------------------------------------------------
New
Message on RSD Helpline Support
Group
-----------------------------------------------------------
From:
rat_lover64
Message 1 in Discussion
Some of you know, and some of
you don't know, that I am unfortunately a victem of abuse. My father is always
verbally abusive, and with me on a few occasions, physically abusive. He
recently attacked me while in the car, and in trying to fight him off I got my
wrist bent completely backwards so it's pretty screwed up. Then the other
night he was yelling at my mom and whatnot, and he told us he was leaving. I
was already going to a friends house and he told me not to expect him to be
there when he got back. I asked my mom why she didn't seem upset and she told
me that she was too tired to care, face it, when was the last time they had a
marriage. So here I am thinking my life is over, thinking when I got back my
dad wasn't going to be there anymore. As soon as my friend picked me up to
take me to the get together she could tell something was wrong, and as soon as
she asked me if anything was wrong I began crying hysterically and she of
course had to calm me down. It was basically the party of me being passed from
friend to friend getting gentle hugs and encouraging words, and being looked
at funny by the guys who had no clue what was going on. Then when I called my
mom, she was out on a date with my dad at some fancy italian restaurant and
they had talked things over. He had just lost his temper. Sometimes you
just have to roll with the punches. Forgive and forget. But I can't do that
anymore. I hate my dad for what he did, and while I was hysterical at the
thought of him leaving, I think I'm even more hysterical that my mom let him
buy her back, because now nothing will change, if anything things will
get worse. All of this is taking a tole on me and I feel like crap and I just
hate my life right now, and worse of all I hate myself for thinking things had
finally gotten better.
Becca
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Reply
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oh becca I'm so sorry to hear it has gotten worse I know it can be hard.My mother wasn't the nicest person when she drank and was abusive. Even though I love my mother I don't know even though she passed on wheather I can ever forgive her.That is a chioce only you can make.I after one insident made arrangement to stay with my friend for a couple weeks until it calmed down which helped us both which is a good idea if he comes back home.I also had my bags packedand nearly left permenantly. If you don't have one get a professional you can talk too.I think that your dad needs to talk to one as well to figure out why he lays hands on you,if you can get him, to go. You rsd is serious enough you made need to consider a perment escape to protect yourself from further hurt.I know easier said then done but it's about protect yourself not keep you family together even though you wish you could do both and I hope that maybe you can find a way. I'll be on most of the day drop me a line if you need to chat take care aimee |
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Reply
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Hi there Becca,,,,, so very sorry that u r also having too deal with abuse. I was also abused that started very young. Even to this day family has no respect for me. In the days of mine abuse was no no issue and was certainly not talked about. Not at all. So that did leave the door for me leaving home at early age. Making me more responsible n loosing more childhood. Certainly, try to get both of you into counseling. Remember also. The abuse makes us more caring n sharing people knowing the different hurts on ones around us. We care soo deeply. Certainly abuse is hard,,, also makes us the people we are. Just very very thankful that I was able to get out at a really really early age. Please know journalling n talking about the abuse really helps sort out all those emotions going thru you mentally n physically. I love my parents really do. Hate all that happened n was allowed to happen. We certainly are not doormats for noone!!!!!!! Should not be considered for or as doormats. We have feelings. And something else,, it gives us abilitys in things that certainly noone else could have or even measure up to , also.. find that place within u dear. bio feed back showed me that one also with counseling. Have a great week. I am doing ok,,,,, just adjusting too new place,,, n getting over a staff infection on face now. Ewwwwwww that is painful one. Man uggglly one to look at. I am adjusting tho... Huggzzzzzzzzz Annie |
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Reply
| | | From: Tami62 | Sent: 7/20/2008 10:26 PM |
Becca, I found a hotline phone # in case you ever need it. We are not always able to respond when you need someone to talk to and I want you to be able to reach someone who can help and you can talk to. Suicide Prevention and Crises Hotline 800-784-2433 or 800-273-8255 I hope you are doing better today. Tami |
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Reply
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Becca, The most important thing here is the fact that " it is not your fault" K? Frank |
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Reply
| | | From: CJF830 | Sent: 7/21/2008 7:26 AM |
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Right Becca
Its the hardest thing in the world to convince yourself its not your fault.
Its the abusers fault for having a weak personality not being able to stop
themselves. I can speak with 44 yrs of experience on this. Iy took me a long
time to get over the what if's and if I only did this it wouldn't have
happened.... Its not true. I could change a million things and My dad would
still do what He did and I didn't have anything to do with it. I still have
problems with trust issues and with sleeping at night but I no longer blame
myself for what happened to me. I wish we could talk to tell you how I could
have blamed myself for it and how I thought I asked for it but I don't want to
broadcast it all in this email. I tried to end it a few times but was
unsuccessful but I finally got up the nerve to stand up to him and made him see
I wasn't the little girl he took advantage of and It was over!!!! You have to be
strong and love yourself and really get to know yourself . No one can do it for
you you have to dig deep within your self and see what a beautiful person you
are inside and how ugly the abuser is.
Its hard to explain this way .Maybe we can talk some day and I can explain
it in more detail.
your a part of this family now and you have all the support you can
stand!!!!
Hugs
Carla
In a message dated 7/20/2008 11:01:25 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,
[email protected] writes: -----------------------------------------------------------
New
Message on RSD Helpline Support
Group
-----------------------------------------------------------
From:
franknberrie
Message 8 in Discussion
Becca, The most
important thing here is the fact that " it is not your fault" K?
Frank
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Reply
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Thank you. And yes, I would actually really like to talk sometime, maybe on messenger, I don't think I'm sane enough to talk on the phone. Things are going to be okay. I have friends who are here for me, and I have friends who wont let me stay at my house even if I wanted to. It's scary, but somehow I will do it. |
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Reply
| | | From: Tami62 | Sent: 7/21/2008 12:08 PM |
Good Morning Becca, I have to work M-F 8-5 or 6 but I am available in the evenings and on the weekend. Add me to your Messanger : [email protected] or [email protected] I have yahoo and msn messenger. I can check my mail throughout the day at work but I cant use messenger. I will try to be around a computer all week in case you want to talk. I am glad you are safe and you have very good friends. ((((((Hugs)))))) Tami |
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Reply
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Hi Becca, Hope you're doing well today. I also experienced abuse from a school teacher, and turned him in for it. He lost his credentials, and is listed as a child molester too. He was sneaky about the way he did it. He could do it with other people around, including his own family! I say turn them all in, and let them feel like crap for abusing children. My Mom and Dad were good people, but my Mom wouldn't let me tell my Dad, because she said he'd kill him. Lots of care, Sylvia |
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Reply
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I really wish it were that easy, but since my abuser is my dad I still feel loyal to him, and since I have no way of proving anything happened I'm not sure what I can do. If I had just shown someone the bruises when I had them, I could have changed things. But now I feel like it's not worth destroying my family. |
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Reply
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Hi Becca..
I have had rsd 18 years so let me give you some free advice.
For those in your life that help and support you keep them very close!
Those that dont........rid them from your life.
I know it is hard but the extra pain from stress is not woth it.
there will be times when you wonder why did I kick this person to the curb.
just know you will be better off in the long run!
doobiedoright on yahoo messenger any time if you need to vent! |
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