Answering machine at a mental hospital.<o:p></o:p>

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“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..."<o:p></o:p>

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.<o:p></o:p>

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If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.<o:p></o:p>

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If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.<o:p></o:p>

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If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.<o:p></o:p>

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If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.<o:p></o:p>

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If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.<o:p></o:p>

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If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.<o:p></o:p>

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If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone<o:p></o:p>

number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.<o:p></o:p>

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If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.<o:p></o:p>

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If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term<o:p></o:p>

Memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.<o:p></o:p>

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If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."<o:p></o:p>

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If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.<o:p></o:p>

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If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.<o:p></o:p>