The Anglian Connection

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WIND IN THE ANGLIAN WILLOWS (....Jackanory it ain't..........)

(- editors comments by asheepdog)

- This came about after the suggestion of putting sheep in a boat - and quite frankly, I'm surprised that no-one has heard of this (true) story. It was told to me by a second cousin of a seventh relative and ninth descendent of the Marquis of Granby in a pub called the Marquis of Gra- ......anyway...

Wind in the Willows, with Pog, Badger, and Sheep

A sheep in a boat?.... well, allow me to explain.......
( asheepdog : hebridean sheep travel by boat
quiet_badger : commuter sheep travel by connex)

one springy morn, badge, pog and sheep, who all liver under the broads in a nuclear bunker........
(asheepdog : dug out by the badger of course)
naturally - my family are contractors..........seen the channel tunnel??? it's an inside job.......

(asheepdog : ya eejit ! asheepdog steals up behind badger and gives his jester's stick a shake - so .... we live under a bunker ? - sheeeeeesh what's wrong wiv IN a bunker ?)

(QB: memo to self - must hire new literary editor and agent)
so......they decided to brave the litter and diesel fumes and go for a boat ride to Bristol - via. a Little Chef on the M25 - after all it was a LONG ride to Bristol, and food doesn't exist over there........they were about to set off - when along came Ms Leaf of Leafy Hall....... Ms Leaf was riding her leafmobile - a 1979 ford cortina with authentic fluffy dice and 8 track......

CD player ....... playing Fleetwood Mac at full blast ....... good taste has Leafy. Badger *sniffed* the air and the pointy black nose, above the distinctive black and white stripes, attracted Leafy's attention. She pulled into the side of the road with a squeal (of brakes) and very nicely offered a lift to the intrepid three. Badger, cautious creature that he is, took a careful look inside the vehicle and backed off in polite alarm, saying ................

(Editor's Note: DUE TO CUTS IN FUNDING THIS PART OF THE STORY HAS BEEN INVOLVED IN A PARTNERSHIP COMMERICAL VENTURE TO REPLACE ARTS COUNCILS WITH JAPANESE CORPORATE MONEY - THEREFORE, THE BOAT HAS BEEN REPLACED WITH A MAZDASUSHI 2,2 LITRE 4x4, WHICH SEATS 99 AND A GOLDFISH, - YOURS ON THE ROAD FOR £19,995 EXCLUDING TYRES, ENGINE, SEATS, EXHAUST....

PS>>>- All Rumours that the editor Ms A Sheepdog embezzled the money by digging a hole and burying it are not true. Thank you).

.........as he saw a consignment of illicit Dutch Lemsip smuggled in tuplips disguised as windwills stuffed inside edams made from wooden clogs. Anyway, they politely declined ms leafy's offer of a free ride in the motor car, (I mean a lift to Bristol) as it would completely ruin the whole story. So leafy sped off - (but does re-appear later, OK???)

.....so they finally left the remote and isolated wilderness of Norwich City Centre on a Saturday afternoon, and travelled down the gutter beside the A11, passing such sights as the Attleborough flyover, and admiring the view of the Tacoleston transmitter mast........when they entered the wild woods of Thetford.......when they were attacked by Robin Hood.

After realising that it was not only the wrong forest, but also a different tale altogether, they arrived at the toll both near to the Newmarket Little Chef (PRODUCT PLACEMENT & FREE PLUG - EAT AT LITTLE CHEF - SPONSORS OF THIS PART OF THE STORY - REMEMBER YOU'LL NEVER FORGET BEING LITTLE CHEF-FED AS YOU LIE SICK IN YOUR BED......)

Pog gave the man* at the toll booth (* wurzel- guest appearence courtesy of Highways Agency Artistes Management and South-West Regional Development Council) a sticky £5 note.

'Why did you do that?' said sheep.

'Well I read it somewhere', said Pog, '...that when you go sailing, you wrap up your money in honey - Look'

..and they all looked at the Book of Sailing by Owl & Pussycat Publishing.

and so they journeyed on ..............but near Leaf hall nasty things were afoot, as Ian, the foul smelling Grot Gnome of Godmanchester, and therefore general evil panto villan (now appearing oppisite Anne Diamond in the Epsom Teahouse and McDonalds drive-thru theatre - sponsors of this section of the story - bite-sized Shakespeare with a choice of bland literary dips for only 99p - open until late on Fridays, as advertised on BBC Radio4) was plotting to team up with the Daleks, Blofeld and Carol Voderman (whom I must say is very cheap to hire - for stories of course) to take over leaf hall.

As they sat there in the local pub - 'The Cheese and Onion' (The Cheese & Onion and sister pub The Rot 'n' Veg - sponsors of the last paragraph - Traditional 'meat drowning in Lard' dishes our speciality only 3 hours from this cinema, food poisioning subject to 17.5% VAT surcharge, all major credit cards accepted and forged).

(TO BE CONTINUED............SUBJECT TO FUNDING)

So after sitting looking at eachother for three days Pog says at last " OK Oi giv up- Oi'll get de drinks in- ye tight hallions !" So poor old Pog( who was mortally wounded twice fighting Meave the queen of the fairies over a bottle of Baileys) dragged his wooden leg up to the bar. "Sure Oi'd loik t'ree points of yer best sheepdip Sor!" "Certainly!- Sir" says the barmaid" that'll be four and half million italian francs please". "Oi'm afraid dat Oi'm a little short" says Pog. "That's alright sir" she sniggers"you can climb up on the barstool".

"Huh!" mutters Pog and drags his other wooden leg back to the table.

"Did you get the pork scratchings ?"says Badger.

"No!- just a bad case of haemoriods from sittin on a cold toadstool de udder day" replies Pog.

This section of the story is brought to you by the following sponsors; albertsons Food and Drug Store and Savon Pharmacy

So, Badger, very upset that he didn't get his pork scratchings, gets onto his two wheeled motor contraption, with pog sitting on a nice rosy red cushion,in the side car thingy, that is attached to the right hand side of the two wheeled motor contraption. " I guess we will have to go and find some Preperation H (hemorhoid cream) for your sorry little sore a** cos I need my pork scratchins", Badger said, as they sped off down the little country lane in search of a chemist for Pog.

too be continued......

Whilst searching for a chemist they came across a magician (guest appearance of Firebug, courtesy of the Professional Water Squirters Assocition - the PWSA) - an accident-prone one at that. He was down-at-heel, down-in-the-mouth and generally a scruffy-looking oik. However, Badger and Pog, kind-hearted souls that they were, and aware that his weird garb was probably due to a recent trip to a Rocky Horror Picture Show outing, took pity on him and offered him a lift to who-knows-where, that little-known village in the back-of-beyond (please note that all hyphenated phrases are being sponsored by Lexicon Inc).

The magician was so taken by their kindness (as is always the case in faery tales) that he asked the reason for their travels, knowing full-well that anyone travelling to who-knows-where has a problem or two tucked away about their person. Upon hearing of Pog's sorry tale (tail ?) the magician got out his magic wand, said the magic words - "ermmmm-ehmmm-wossname-dabra" and Lo-and-behold, Pog no longer had his problem !! ..... He did, however, discover to his chagrin that he now had a ................

(please be kind whoever continues this!

)

he now had his Amstrad d2 mac satelite decoder. Pog had been waiting a long time for one of these, for he was ......dah dah dah.............a spy! Of course Badger had no knowledge of this, so as far as he was concerned Pog was still a good friend.

Too be continued................

(sure t'anks for dat capps! -i t'ink-now turnin' into an ian fleming classic!)-i'm lookin' forward to how it unfolds-lol!- come on guys start biuldin' my part up a bit-ha ha!

So, here is Pog (003.5), armed with his Amstrad de-coder (tho I for one believe this to be an aircraft homing device ...... in which case Pog is in for one almighty shock when he switches it on !!

) sittin alongside the Badger, who STILL doesn't have his pork scratchings ..... sooooo they thank the scruffy magician very kindly for his magical stuff (he may well appear again later in the story) and off they go for the famous cyber pub in Suffolk, manned (womanned?) by Trish, the Fairy Godmother of all drunks and layabouts ... aided and abetted by her Maid (£10 an hour cleaning duties, £5 an hour doorkeeper/bouncer duties ... likes that he does !).....

Okay, okay, it's in entirely the wrong direction but this story must run ............

En route, they encounter Ms Leafy again, hell bent on liquid refreshment, and this time, having ascertained there are no longer any disguised Lemsips in the back seat, accept an offer of a lift. Badger's two-wheeled contraption is stowed away in the ashtray and the intrepid trio settle nice and comfy in the back seat, while Ms Leafy puts her toe down hard .... unfortunately through the floorboards, but that's Cortinas for you ... sigh.

It was at this point that secret agent Pog 003.5 decided on the mad idea of switching on the Amstrad decoder and ........ oh dear .......... it suddenly becomes clear that this is indeed a homing device ....... because out of the clouded sky hurtles a Barnowl, intent on its target ............ what will happen ...... will Ms Leafy get her foot back through the floorboards in time ? what are the Barnowl's intentions ? Will two of the trio stop trying to wrestle Pog 003.5 to the floor in a desperate attempt to switch off the damned decoder before Concorde decides to pay a visit too ? What happens next ...... is this a cliffhanger ? if so ...... what are cliffs doing in this neck of the woods ?? ...... the thick plottens .............

Pog takes Badger into his confidense and informs him of the dastardly plan to flood Bury St Edmunds with counterfeet Swedish Meatballs(eller Kottbullar i Svensk!)..

Meanwhile hidden deep up a Norwegian’s ffjord(painful!) the dark lord of St Petersburg –Admiral Elka- waits impatiently aboard the S.S. IKEA for an impotent message frum agent Tbone(on steak out again!).

The radar blips�?.blip..blip.blop.!

‘Ships approaching Capting�?whispers ensign xjr in sutch a delishush and seductive voice that Admiral Elka goes weak at the knees!

‘Vat kind ov sheeps?�?says Elka.

‘Vat kind ov sheeps?-‘but I don’t understand Capting!�?says xjr-

‘Vy?�?says Admirable Elka ’are you stooped ?�?

‘No capting!�?says xjr ‘just that you’re speaking Swedish again- and you know lootenant Capps gits upset if people don’t speak American!�?/P>

‘Anyways up-what kinda sheeps iz et endsign?�?‘battlecruisers-freighters- coastguards?�?/P>

‘No capting !- I don’t believe it myself !- Itsa!..- Itsa!..�?Itsa…………………�?.…�?/P>

‘Spit eat owt man!�?exclaims the Admirable.

‘It’s a submarine- called H.M.S. Sheepdog!�?/P>

‘Oh Nine-nine-nine! �?cries Elka�?my greatest nightmare has happened !…�?

Sheepdog’s of the starbored bow�?starbored bow…�?.starbored bow!�?/P>

‘It’s a Life(boat) Jim(bob) but not as we know it!�?

‘Afast me harties- splice the missen and anchor the main brakes !- nobody leaves the S.S. IKEA �?I know of your cunning plan!�?/P>

‘You can’t get away with it !�?woof woof!).

‘Voof !.voof ! vat ez dat all about!’’she maybe fishes !�?�?I shal haf to zurerender ! before she bitez me and she may not like ze taste of swede!!!!�?thinks Admirable Elka.(which is something she doesn’t do often in case it turns into a habit- I feel a nun joke on the way frum QB!)

Xjr says�?scuse me capting we must a mole onboard !�? �?Nine�?replies Elka ‘but I haf knot velt happy bout ze quiet badger who came aboard at Harwich!�?/P>

So the brave krew of the Supersub Sheepdog handcuff their prisoners as xjr cries ‘tighter please!�?and �?can I be the cabin boy this time?�?/P>

No screams trish waving her ladel, just then missy grabs the periscope, which for some odd reason brings tears to qb`s eyes and a weg to missy`s.

Avast shouts leafy I think we found the bottom.

Jimbob goes in search of torpedo tube but finds ash in one and pog in the other, strange cruise this he thinks.

Just then a chilling scream from astern......

Announcement: In order to make the storyboard self-financing, (as all the money paid to literary agent Ms A Sheepdog disappeared before the tax returns were due), this segement of action has been supported by QB Ads - 'The Future of Space Wasting Filler Adverts You'll Always Ignore'- winners of 'Biggest Waste of Space 2001' . Thank you.

.....and turned around to see that Elka had been hit in the face by a pie full of her own meatballs.

'Vell it makes a change from being a nun that walks into bar.......' she said.

Whence (not wench...), a cheer was then raised by the prisoners (it was 'raise-a-cheer-for-charity' donation week), as they saw Double Vodka Agent Phil Driver land astern (which was a tad sore, but he recovered quick...). Realising that all continuity had been lost (in a shipping accident). Phil said: 'Wasn't I meant to land first, before attacking with my cigar disgusied as a frilly lampshade disgusied as tricycle, but really a pie?'

'Don't worry', said our brave, wonderful, lovely, charming, dashing, brave, superb, heroic (get on with it - Ed) Quiet Badger, also acclaimed writer for childrens parties and Xmas cracker gags, available for hire for any (large) fee (editor asheepdog reviews last sentence for impartiality......hmmmm) 'We've a story to deconstruct before it implodes...'

'Let's get everyone off this creaking flat-pack boat', said asheepdog

'Agreed' said everyone else who has appeared in the story so far.

But....as eveyone made a dash for the self-assembly lifeboats, a groaning noise was heard - it was the sound of the Wind in the MDF panels - (OK then, it was a groan at the last joke)....

'This whole thing is going to fall apart' said pog.

'It fell apart ages ago,' said badger.

'Noooo...not the story, ya eejit, this boat, ' said asheepdog.

'I wondered why I had a few loose screws and some nuts leftover from putting it up,' said xjr.

'Whatever happened to HMS Sheepdog?' said Trish.

'Had to return it to the park keeper at the municipal boating lake - got fined 50p for being ten minutes late', said asheepdog.

'Why are we all taking turns like this to speak?' said pog.

'It's a union rule, to prevent bias in fairytales', said xjr, 'everyone gets an equal say, and a fair chance'.

Meanwhile the boat started to sink, and our intreprid travellers, led by the corrageous, strong, heoric [[the following adjectives were cut by the editor for reasons of space]] Quiet Badger were really looking at gettign their fur wet.

When suddenly.........Phil started to inflate his nostril which concealed a pie which concealed a posthorn which turned into an liferaft when tweezers are applied to the nasal hair.......

'All aboard the S.S. SNOTT-AIRBAG' said Phil.

...and they all jumped in. However.............

[to be continued on page2....]click the link http://communities.msn.co.uk/TheAnglianConnection/page2.msnw

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