Dear Friends

I have been watching you very closely> to see if you have been good this year  and since you have I will be telling my elves  to make some goodies for me to  leave under your tree at Christmas.  I was going to bring you all  gifts from the 12 days of Christmas,  but we had a little problem. 

 The 12 fiddlers fiddling have  all come down with VD from fiddling with  the 10 ladies dancing,  the 11 lords leaping have knocked up  the 8 maids a-milking, and the  9 piperspiping have been arrested  for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.  The 6 geese a-laying,  4 calling birds,  3 French hens,  2 turtle doves  and the partridge in a pear tree  have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.  On top of all this! > Mrs. Claus is going through menopause,  8 of my reindeer are in heat,  the elves have joined the gay liberation  and some people who can't read a calendar  have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.  Maybe next year I will be able  to get my shit together and bring you the things you want.  This year I suggest  you get your asses down to Wal-Mart  before everything is gone. 

 Love,  Santa.