From: katone  (Original Message)

Sent: 2/12/2003 8:39 PM

well time for some (meta)criticism a pathetic try on writing sentimental poetry   I think the rhythm of the first verse seems to me very awkward, how can I fix that? the fata morgana stuff sounds like (pause)  wack.. I could begin it with an oh, alack or alas ?   (alas) how the fata morgana of you, In every shape of the real world, Haunting is not but the very essence of (every breath,) knowing the sweetness of living   can every breath be omitted? ( I know it can but would it be proper, better worse?)   Distracting - no, give pause to duties at hand, making (me?) so much better to forget (the)distress of the lacking of thy presence in the now                or of lacking thy presence in the now leaving (me) ever wanting   should the 'me' and the 'the' be kept or left out or something else?   How it is so, thou cannot be erased From the very air (I) breathe like the carving of thy name on canvas so vast and blue brushed by the ever blowing winds?   dunno what to do with this verse, what about the 'I'?     Shall you be my epitaph to my despair and part with my companion of air? then infinity has reached it's end once again day one shall commence   this sounds a bit lame   sorry to put y'all through such pain I just have no idea what to do with this thing   maybe I should just leave in the trash bin you can call it crap if you want...   katone

Katone,

 

I haven't a complete critique because I had difficulty separating what was supposed to be critiqued from your own critique.  One thing nagged at me, however ... a pet peeve of mine, you could say, and I will state it here and hope others read it and will reconsider the next time they are tempted to do the same thing ...

 

... the word "very" is an adverb ... it is not an adjective and when used as an adjective is quite meaningless and grates my nerves like fingernails down a chalkboard.  When I see it used this way in anything, I quit reading.  I cannot help it.  I am so highly prejudiced against this use of the word that I refuse to read further.  So, "very air" means nothing to me ... nor does "very soul" or "very life" or "very heart" or any of those other maddening situations when "very" is used as an adjective.

 

Sorry.  I know it is a rant and tangential to the real purpose of your request, but it is all I could do after seeing "very" used very inaccurately.

 

michelea

thank you for your insight on the this 'very matter'

 

 

I dont believe I have to write more, but to other ppl who wish to know my thoughts

on this very thing, I think they should use very any way they seem fit, if you cant break and bend the rules(both at the same time? why not) we would only have 'straight' poetry..and that would be a shame...

 

do I make any sense?

 

katone

i got a kick out of the whole thing.

 

it was very funny.

(oops.  sorry, michele!)

 

i'd leave it intact, katone.  criticisms and all.

makes for a great read.

susan

thanks sue,

 

I might just do that, should I include your's and michele's comments

 

katone

you have my permission.

 

as long as i get a small credit when it's published.

 

hehehehehe

of course!! I would never exclude you

 

prepare for ovewhelming wealth

 

hohohoh

 

katone