Ok going to try to dang well type this on notepad because I typed this dang thing once, spent 20 dang minutes on it and then the freaking internet drops on the laptop.

[Rant]

My life sucks, no I mean it, for a little over a year, but really been up and down since the fire in 1999, But this last yr has been the worst.

Let’s start out with Austin my youngest almost dying last May. Then homeless in 2 states, no help, and people refusing to help us because we DO have a kid, finally back to KY where things just get better, my fiancé turns into psycho man where he starts mentally, physically and sexually abusing me, my mom dies, whom I figured hated me, because of the horrible way she made me feel, my rich b!@#$ sister gives me a little money, all of the sudden he loves me again, which I didn’t see till later, ok. I buy a trailer that he picks out and it’s the first place he found that would do what he wanted payment wise. The trailer sucks and falls apart, he continues to use and abuse me, uses me till I'm broke, breaks up with me, finds a girlfriend, still tries to control my every breathe and sexually take what is no longer for the taking. Not to mention the abuse my son endured. He ends up taking 12,000 of my money and blowing it before he finally goes all the way psycho on me, and goes into this f@#$ your dead baby, and f@#$ your dead mother crap. While I'm going thru a miscarriage, after trying for 7 yrs, and threatening everyone I know. Then here comes the fact that I had to sell a trailer I paid almost 30000 for 7000 because of the condition it’s in because I was saddled in bed sick due to a pregnancy that most likely would’ve killed me. Also there’s Jonathon, a good kid... But man, he’s so far up my butt, that if I fart his ears will flap. And he’s even to close to even smell it, He quit his job, but this last time I told him fine, do it, he got fired once, and tried to quit twice, he was working 12-15 hours a day for 9 days straight,  and I had to drive him back and forth, for 25 minutes each time. That was just too much on me. They lied and changed his pay just as to not have to pay him the 700 they owed him, instead he got paid 8 an hour for 3.5 hours but 7 an hour for 74 hours, which he only got paid till he stopped working, he didn’t get paid for cleanup, or working till his ride showed up, so he got paid for 63 hours instead. Every 2 minutes he’s telling me he loves me, which is to dang much in a 24 hr period,  he is dwelling on the loss of the baby, he either  cries till I give him the baby treatment, or spends his time going into this I want sex thing. He laughs at me when I tell him I'm about to hit him in the head with the desktop that has not only somehow gotten worse while sitting, (btw I can’t fix the desktop at all now) but tells me he loves me again in the process. I have one son who I swear is trying to ruin my life, with lies and sabotaging me and my life, my youngest who is my life, who loves me to death, whom I can’t spend time with cause he’s either working on schoolwork, or jonathans up my ass so much I can’t talk to him without having to baby Jon just so he don’t think he’s left out. But I can’t dwell on the fact that he called me his ex’s name. I have a spoiled ass sister who is sitting on a 40,000 car and paying 700 month rent, and I can’t even get a bed to sleep on because my hip has been pulled out ever since the miscarriage/D n C. my medical is taking forever, I went and tried to see my stepdad today, he ignored me, As usual. No change there. My truck is fried, my taillights don’t work right, and now all the electrical system is about to fry out, it needs a tune up and brakes REALLY bad. And I can’t get gas money to take him to find a job.  I took a friend to Bowling Green this weekend, she paid our way, and our way back and also to go to Winchester to close out our back account, while I slept in the truck as to not see his mother whom is lying to him and thinks I'm the reason he won’t come to KY to see her and to stay away from a boy who stole 25 dollars from me after I paid him 40 for working for me.  I get home Saturday night, and she calls this afternoon�?.Sunday�? to tell me she might need me to come back, while in this whole thing, I am trying to plan a kick ass Samhain, and I can’t cause I'm out of money, and can’t afford the stuff to make ale and cakes and 6 dang apples. My birthday is next week, and I don’t even know if I will have the gas to go to the Samhain I want to go to out at Lake Murphysboro.

I just want to curl up and hide, and cry, and scream, but my head hurts too much to scream. I am not a bad girl, I haven’t stolen anything, haven’t killed anything, accidentally hit a cat and a deer once, not at the same time btw. I need to know what I did in my past life that I can’t seem to get past in this life, I am not a bad girl, I try to help everyone, and have more friends that I have helped that I know can’t ever help me. But dang what did I do that was so bad? I really cant take one more thing�?I have always been the tough one, when I was having my miscarriage, my sister, MySpace’s me and says exact words “wow, but you’re tough, you’ll be fine�?I'm tired of being tough, I can’t do it anymore, I want to fall to pieces, but instead tomorrow I will get up, be just as miserable then try to get stuff done, like the responsible one, like I always have been, 12 yrs old and I was taking the adult roll, and being the grown up. Now at�?.. Going to be 34 next week, I'm so sick of it I could just vomit.

[/rant]

<o:p> </o:p>

K I don’t feel any better, I did however feel a little better after slamming a few doors when the internet went out on me in middle of this post previously.  My dark side is my horrible depression, match with an even meaner temper.  Its days like these, I miss the mental hospital, where they have mind numbing drugs, to make me sleep…�?/FONT>