My debut match against Melania Kane a couple of weeks was a cake walk, but lets focus on my match next week. Cause this time, it won't be an easy cake walk. It will be against Courtney Helmsley, hence the name. Dayum. Then I have Tegan Starr, who has done literally nothing. How will I pull through? Ger. Well, since I have so much alone time, I decided I needed to get out and do something. I practiced my teeth flaunting for matches, the boobage I show, my outfit, and blah. I get bored to easily. Lately I have been having strange dreams. Like REALLY strange. I don't know how my mind can even dream these dreams. I finally made myself go into therapy. Not psycho therapy, just weird dream therapy. We sit in the lobby, waiting for my appointment. And by we, I mean me and the camera man hired to stalk me. I blow bubbles out of boredom, and keep popping sticks of bubblegum into my mouth so I can see how big of a bubble I can actually blow. After a few attempts, I manage to blow one as big as my head. I motion for the camera guy to look, and when he does, it pops. Damn his ugly face! He adjusts his cap and starts to laugh at me. The gum is all over my face. I can't get it off, OH NO! I get up and start mumbling.
"OH MY GOD I CAN'T SEE!!!" I wander around like a zombie, with my arms in front of my face, trying to search for the door to the doctors office. Hey, he had t help me with SOMETHING, and it sure as hell wasn't going to be my dream problem. The camera guy gets a bit embarrassed, and hurries to my aid. I hear my name being called, but I can't see who is calling me. Last time I blow a bubble. Heh, that sounded so wrong. Finally, the camera guy leads me into the office, where I will be conducting my therapy. We sit in silence for a few minutes, while I struggle to remove the gum from my face and hair. When I can see, a voice startles me.
"Good to see you are joining us, Ms. Ainesworth." I guess the camera guy was doing something with his eyes. Oh, what was it? Rolling them? Pfft. I nod yes, and the man starts the interrogation.
"Ms. Ainesworth, it says here that you have a dream problem. How does that make you feel?" Why do they ask stupid questions?
"It makes me feel complicated. Do you know what complicated feels like, Dr.?" I retaliate by asking my own stupid question.
"I might know the feeling. But this isn't about me, Destiny, it's about YOU." I sit thinking about that for a moment. Him calling me 'Ms. Ainesworth' made me uneasy. How much things about me did this doctor know? "Destiny, what do you think caused these strange dreams?" The doctor tries to sound all knowing. I guess it's working. I try to look intelligent, but well, you can only leave one good first impression, and I'm sure I didn't do that.
"Well, Dr., if that is your REAL name...I think my new profession started this all. I recently became part of a federation called the WWF. It's a wrestling federation, you see. There, I have alot of time on my hands because I know few people. Actually, come to think of it, I know no people. So, I sit in my head, thinking, maybe watch bad cartoons, you know, things like that. It's alot of 'me' time, and gr, it causes strange dreams." I say this with confidence. I knew he knew that I knew why these dreams were happening. I use my hands when I'm talking, and when I finish my statement, I put them together like Mr. Burns on the Simpsons. The counselor jots something down on his notebook. I imagine that it read: 'Ms. Ainesworth is a troubled individual. She probably has nightmares of puppy dogs. *snicker*' Jerk.
"Mhmm. And how does this make you feel?" What? It makes me feel complicated. Doesn't he listen? "Dr., it makes me feel complicated. We went over this." I cross my arms. Annoying. "Ok, let's get to the root of this problem. Are there specific people involved?" Duh. I begin playing with my hair as I get ready to recite the story to him. "Yes, three people that I happen to know. Let's see, there is Courtney Helmsley, she the brother of a former champion and shes married to a former champion. She apparenty pulled big wins over some big name divas in her career. That is a huge accomplishment. She can boast about it. I wish I could. She is a serious competitor, but she is just another label. Gah, ick, boo. But that's ok? No, it's not. Well, for me, it's not. Anyways, let's not dwell on her. Moving on to person number 2. Tegan Starr. Loser. Hm. Well, psh there are many ways to insult her just because of that. But I won't say any of them right now. I know she had a match a few weeks back but I keep forgetting. I dunno why...Oh, yeah, because it isn't important. There we go, that's the reason. Anyways, person number 3 is the one, the only, Captain Jack Sparrow! See, how cool is this dream going to be doc?" I giggle.
"Interesting...Ok, Mrs. Ainesworth, Tell me about this dream you think is so strange. Don't leave out any details." The doctor takes more notes. Damn him! He prepares his pen and paper for my big story of a dream.
"Well, just the other day, I became deeply bored. And this is where the root of the problem occurs..." I start, and babble on. It will be easier to just tell you later, so shoo. I just made the scene fade.
+ + + +
On a simple afternoon, I sat at home and watched cartoons. Which cartoons? PokEmon. Jeez, I need a life. I listen to the bumbling of the PokEmon, 'Pika Pi, Chu Pika.' I seriously think that little monster is brainwashing me. I mean, those Asians man, they suck. They try to make us like them through cartoons. Bastards. Then they small talk you...'Oh, your penis, it so big. Much bigger than ours.' Idiotic, I tell you. Maybe the camera man believes it, but only because so many other woman tell him otherwise. Well, after a PokEmon Marathon, I decided to watch Pirates of the Caribbean : The Black Pearl. Oh dilly dally, that was fun. I fell asleep and my nightmare consisted of the following things:
- Me, Slapping Courtney, and Tegan with a pimp hand.
- Me being more kick ass than usual because of my newly gained 'powers'.
- Some Pikachu trying to make Pika Porn for me. Yeah, I was shocked and disgusted to.
- And me slapping someone else and screaming a very sucky comeback.
Mkay. Good for me.
The birds chirp, the faded watercolors come into view, and I open my eyes. I couldn't tell if I was seeing in black and white because I have never seen in black and white before. And besides, whatever was in front of me just so happened to be black and white. I yawn my Destiny yawn and sit up. The first thing I noticed was my lack in body mass. Wow. I lost weight? AND height? What the hell are those people feeding me? Now how will I be a wrestler? I struggle to get to my feet. I feel something on my butt. With my hand, I touch it. A TAIL! Oh my god. I look at my hand and notice I have three fingers...THREE!! What is going on? I have some yellowish color. I need a mirror. Maybe I really am going crazy. I see something approach me. I close my eyes.
"Heyyyy Pikachu!" What did he just call me? What the hell is a Pikachu? I open my eyes and look at the face that the raspy voice came out of. This guy is strange; he has black spiky hair with 'z's' for cheeks. He looks so familiar...He lifts me up. I twitch my tail. My eyes twitter.
"Ready for our battle? I found a strong opponent. It's a Jigglypuff and a Meoth. Cool, huh?" This guy might as well be talking in a different language. I tilt my Pika Head. Jiggypuff? I speak.
"Pika, chu chu pika pi." HUH? That didn't sound like...Me. Gr. I frown and cross my short, stubby arms across what seems to be my chest. Was I a guy Pikachu? I had no boobs. It made me wonder. As takes my speaking (or at least what I had attempted to speak) as a yes. He puts me down. I look at the so called Jigglypuff, and the Meowth and frown. BIG frown. It was Courtney Helmsley and Tegan Starr.. Whoa. They were both fugly even as a PokEmon. Hey, the bitches notices me to. Now, I am not insulting them, I am calling them by their god given name. Well, they think it's god given. But whatever. I toddle up to her and speak my Pika Language. Let me translate.
"Ohhh, Look, it's Courtney! The 'baddest bitch' in the locker room. Yeah you beat that one chick (forgot name) But so what? Damn, you might as well be in a pillow fight for that Woman's Title. You might even get that belt handed to your ass, because our Champ has yet to defend her little precious title to my knowledge. Ga, what kind of representer for the Woman's Division is that? Seriously. Hey, Courtney, can I ask you a question??" The Jigglypuff nods. "Why do you so not kick ass? I mean, damn, you are the woman I can nominate for 'Woman who does not kick ass.' The worst part about that statement is that you proclaim that you kick ass. I like to show you different." I smile, teeth baring, so I can look as unfriendly as possible. I turn my attention to Tegan . "Uhm...Hi blondie. How's the Laguna Beach, cover girl? Dumb? Blonde? Thought so. Tegan , Tegan , Tegan ... Not only in the verbal tense, if that makes sense to your disease ridden body...er, I meant mind. Gah, what kinds of opponents are you two? You know what, I am going to promise you BOTH something. Mkay. I know you talk el shitterz, but you don't back it up. Most of the time...Well maybe never but whatever. I'm going to talk all the shit I want and then when I'm done, I am going to...Well, leave a label or something. 'Destiny Means every single thing she says.' Yeah. So, when we are in the match, I will show you, rather than saaayyy anything more. Let's get this...battle? Is this a battle? Ok, let's get IT ON!"
I slap the Jigglypuff-Courtney as hard as my Pikachu hand will let me. Meowth-Tegan shrieks and dives in. I remember things from the show. I can shoot electricity at people. Oh hell yeah. I try to remember how it was done...Oh yeah, These red cheeks. I squint and push thunder out from me. It felt so weird. I have bad aiming, and Meowth-Tegan slashed at me with her claws. Ow. I hold my cheek and slap Tegan too. Yay, I struck BOTH! I don't think we are supposed to be fighting right at this instant, but we had it bottled up. I aim for Meowth-Tegan . CHUUUU! Bingo, I hit her. That looks so powerful. I forgot about Courtney. Where did she go? How can I take my eyes off of her? I can feel her petty little hands grab at my tail. It's official, Tails suck. I won't promote them. Gr. I try to electrocute Jigglypuff-Courtney, since she is holding onto my tail, and it works. I hear my owner call, but I don't care. Pulling my tail in this dream is like pulling my hair in the ring. Bitch. I feel hands, almost as big as my body (eek, nightmares after this is over). It was my stupid owner. I kick and pika my way, but he retains me. Jiggypuff-Courtney and Meowth-Tegan are pulled back into their PokEballs. I growl loud. The owner holds me down and runs off into the distance. Damn. I had my chance and he RUINED IT! GER!
So after that little charade, I was calm. I hadn't seen those two bitches since dominating them with my electric powers. Go me. I sit by a stream while washing my face and scanning the trees for Pecha Berries. I hear various PokEmon I don't know in the distance. And I also hear a tail swishing. Stupid tails. Another Pikachu jumps out of the bushes and nearly gives me a heart attack. People (er, PokEmon) here must not have manners. This Pikachu starts to sniff me and I feel verrryy strange. I am so totally wondering if I am experiencing a gender mix up here. This Pikachu had eyelashes. Did I? I peek into the stream and move my ears. The other Pikachu starts to play with my ears and I freak out. Courtneyand Rebecca are probably doing this as we speak...Not with each other, damn, god forbid. I pull my shoulders in and holler.
"Uhm, get away." I say this and get to my small feet. The other Pikachu follows me. "Who are you?" She askes. As if she didn't already know. "Er, Destiny, a Wrestler." The Pikachu looks confused. I forgot that I to took the shape of a Pikachu quite simular to the one standing before me. "Wrestler?" She's pissing me off. Yes, Wrestler, it's a sport! How doesn't she know this? "Nevermind." I waddle to a nearby tree so I can try to get a berry. She follows like a puppy. "Oh, ok. What do you do wrestling?" I try climbing the tree.
"Kick peoples asses. Dur." I thwart the tree with my tail in hopes of making fruit fall. The Pikachu twirls her ear around. "Are you getting a Pecha berry for me?" Dude, serious? No, of course not. I'm selfish when it comes to BEING AN EFFING PIKACHU! I shake my head. "No." Her smile fades. "But, why not? It's out mating ritual." She's on Pika Crack. I swallow hard. I have to get away. The Pikachu retreats to some corner and moves leaves around. She hums. I feel so awkward right now. I try to get my fruit, when her little hands pull at my arm. She wants me to follow her. I do (After being shocked). I cross my arms and frown, making some sort of a pouty face. What a pushy biatch. I see the leaves and she lies on them. She runs her hands on them sexily. I freak out majorly. Ewwwww. I bolt out of there. That is worse than seeing Courtney Helmsley and Tegan Starr making out at the wending Machine parlor. DAMN THIS SUCKS! And now you see why I needed therapy. My dreams seem to be confused on what gender I am. What kind of a dream forgets who you are? Pfft, my dreams are Morons.
END
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