I went to the police station and spoke to the desk sergeant, "Officer, I'm desperate."
He beckoned me to a side office and spoke reassuredly, "We're here to help, Sir."
Emotion overcame me, "She's a witch, Officer."
"We burn all witches, Sir."
"She's a vampire too."
"Then we'll put a stake through her heart, Sir."
"You don't understand," I screamed, "she's Scottish!"
His face turned ashen and he blurted, "The police have limitations, finite resources, government cutbacks... move along now please!"
He manhandled me from the premises and barricaded the front door of the station.
So I went to church and spoke to the monsigneur, "Father, I'm desperate."
He beckoned me to an empty pew and spoke compassionately, "Be at peace, my son."
Emotion overwhelmed me, "She's a witch, Father."
"I will pray for you, my son."
"She's a vampire too."
"Then I'll perform an exorcism, my son."
"You don't understand," I screamed, "she's Scottish!"
His face turned ashen and he blurted, "The church has limitations, collections are down, shortage of holy water... get thee hence to darkest night!"
He manhandled me from the premises and put a large cross on the front door of the church.
In desperation, I went to Tibet and spoke to the Grandmaster, "Grandmaster, I'm desperate."
He beckoned me to a quiet corner and spoke calmly, "Seek the truth, Grasshopper."
Emotion engulfed me, "She's a witch, Grandmaster."
"See the mosquito fell the tiger, Grasshopper?"
"She's a vampire too."
"See the butterfly survive the storm, Grasshopper?"
"You don't understand," I screamed, "she's Scottish!"
His face turned ashen and he trembled, clutched his breast, grabbed a vessel, took a mighty swig of whisky and blurted, "Grasshopper."
"Yes, Grandmaster?"
He took a second mighty swig... "Glasspopper."
"Tell me, Grandmaster."
He took a third mighty swig... "Gwassplopperrr."
"Speak to me, Grandmaster."
He took a fourth mighty swig... "Goosepoooperrrrrr."
Then he sang in a beautiful, baritone voice with a pronounced Scottish accent, whilst dancing a little jig... "Roamin' in the gloamin' wi' a lassie by my side."
Free Forum Hosting
Important Announcement
First 
Return to Prose/Stories