Jason's Island Journal
by
Blayne Turner

Don't read this if you are easily offended as I am putting off studying and TOTALLY goofing off here!

Island journal, Day 5
Well, we've been on the island for almost a week now. Somehow it seems like we've been here for a month. Maybe time just goes slower here or maybe it's this five gallon drum of liquor i stowed away and am working my way through. (hic) Who knows? I woke up with another awful hangover today and the kids were coming back from another nature hike. That Susan, I've never seen anyone climb so many rocks in mules and a sarong skirt before. I wish I could look as good in mules as she does. My little sweetie Jan came by today. She asked me why I don't kiss and hold her like Shawn does with Belle. I burped in her face and poured liquor down her blouse. For some reason, she hit me and ran off crying. you think you know a person and suddenly a little thing like belching and rum showers makes them get all upset. I just don't know how long we can last as a couple. She almost came into the tent the other day and caught me trying on her tube top. I would have died if that had happened. But i covered it up and told her I was drunk....which I was.
I have to hide out in the forrest right now while all my t-shirts dry. I wish I didn't have to wear them while I was swimming but I just don't feel as comfortable with my body as some of the other boys. I guess it's because of my drinking that I don't have Shawn and Kevin's rippling abs and huge pectoral muscles. I wish I looked as good in a pair of trunks as Shawn. Then I would go swimming and really let them have it!
Speaking of Shawn, I was watching him climb a mountain the other day and, well, I got closer because Belle was wearing the cutest little top from Express and I had to see what the fabric was. The guy almost fell and died!!! I would have lost it. He is sooo dreamy, i mean, Belle! Belle is sooo dreamy. Not like my fickle little Janny Poo!
I wish the other boys would stop teasing me. The other day after a swim, Kevin kept whipping me with his towel and Phillip came up and rubbed my face between his pectoral muscles. What does he think i am? Gay?!!!! i think we will all go for a swim again tomorrow, but those boys better not pull that towel whipping or chest rubbing stuff again! I better try and provoke them just so they know not to mess with me. Uh-oh, I hear Janny Poo coming! I better take off this halter top and pretend to be in the mood to make out with her. I hope she doesn't know I'm not really interested in girls....i mean... in JAN. I meant to say JAN! I love girls. I do...more later!

Jason's Island Journal #2

Tonight we had another nature hike. Susan is just a force of nature in her strappy platform sandals. She bounds up those rocks like a velociraptor! After the hike someone made a comment about nerds and giants and Penelope got real mad. She made a speech but I couldn't concentrate, what with the fire dancing in Phillip's eye so. i'm sure her speech had nothing to do with me anyway. This hot girl came onto me and I took her into the woods to find her tent. I was dying to check out her shoe collection! First we needed cocktails so I found that sexy..er..creepy Paul to get my liquor back. I tried to grab it from him when he sassed me but I caught his aftershave in the breeze and was hypnotized! Anyway, Cynthia and I went back to her tent and I tore into her shoe trunk like the tasmanian devil. She kept trying to rub my back or something. I don't know what that was all about! Go figure! Janny Poo came in and saw me with a pair of sling backs on and Cindy taking her top off. How embarrassed was I! She started hitting me and ran off.....again! I don't like it when Jan uses her love to hurt me! It makes me cry. I started sobbing in Cindy's arms and asked her to hold me until the sun came up! She said no and went back to hear the rest of Penny's speech. I don't understand women. I wonder were Shawn is? I think I will go find him. I have a pair of trunks I think he will look great in!

Jason's Island Journal #3

Tonight was the most super fun ever!! Someone started playing salsa music (that was crazy) and then we all did the limbo!! We limboed and limboed and limboed. Then we limboed and limboed and limboed some more. Then, after that, we limboed and limboed and limboed again! Someone said something about girls being able to do anything boys can and I wanted to start singing that song from Annie Get Your Gun but then we played tug of war so I didn't get to. I got right behind Phillip and watched his sinewy body as he pulled on the rope. I wish I could be as strong and verile as he is! Later Phillip gave a speech. He is so smart and dreamy! I said something funny about Jan's parents and Jan played our usual game where she gets mad at me and runs off. I forgot all about Jan, though! Becase Kevin took his shirt off. I don't reall know why but I got very sad looking at his huge pectoral muscles. I wish I could look as good as he does. Maybe i'll ask Kevin if we can work out together sometime.

Jason's Island diary #4 a.k.a. the princess diaries

 I decided to go ahead and write another journal entry for Jason just to get our minds off of this week's events. I feel it is vital for us to start getting back to some semblance of normalcy in order to get through this. Moving forward does not mean forgetting and it doesn't mean you don't care so please don't be offended by my stupid attempt at humor.

Day...who really cares anymore!
I spent the afternoon prancing on the beach. I just love the way the sand feels between my delicate toes! I don't want the other kids to see me but I have to practice my steps for my big "Gypsy" audition when we get back to Salem.
Today was fun! First I played touch football with Phillip, Kevin and those other boys with the sexy sideburns whose names no one knows! It was hard to tell who was playing for who so I suggested we break up into shirts and skins. I volunteered to be the captain of the shirts. Phillip and Kevin were on the skins and I sure did tackle them good! They got kind of mad at me because I tackled them when we weren't actually playing! Oops! My bad!
I smelt something funny and went investigating and I found Mr. Woods in the..woods (ha!) he was smoking a funny smelling cigarette which is weird because he tells us smoking is bad for us. He got REALLY freaked out when he saw me but said it was a special cigarette to clear his head so he could deal with us kids! Then he started singing "Jammin'". He is weird!
Later I saw Cathy again. She said she wanted to make out and I kept asking her what kind of conditioner she uses in her hair until she called me a freak and left. She is almost as weird as Mr. Woods! LOL!
I don't know when we are going home. It feels like we have been here for almost two months! But the teachers keep saying we have only been here for two weeks. That is still funny because the trip was supposed to be for only one week! Whatever! I have to go back to the beach and practice my steps. I am gonna nail the role of Gypsy Rose Lee if it kills me. I mean

Jason's Island Diary #5: Final entry
I was in the middle of memorizing every single line from Walt Whitman’s “Leaves of Grass” when that freaky old Mr. Woods and that other woman...what is her name? Come to think of it, I don’t think I have ever seen her before we came to this Island. I bet she is up to no good!! I better warn Paul about her. Oh, anyway, Mr. Woods told me that we were all leaving the island and to get my stuff now!! I was so excited I very nearly peed in my pants. Well, actually I had already done that several times but it was due to the flood of Bacardi in my system, not excitement..
We ran and got on board a boat that looked like a tiny version of the Titanic. As I stepped on board I vowed right then and there that my heart WOULD go on! As we got underway we all realized that Shawn and Phillip weren't with us. Well, I had noticed right away but I didn't want people to think I notice things like THAT! Oh, and Belle was gone too.
Mimi and Janny-Poo were crying! Susan was ripping apart everyone’s bags looking for some Hagen Daaz. It was quite the delicious drama scenario! But I couldn't’t enjoy it at all. I just sat and gazed out of the porthole back at the island where I had had so much fun, seen so much magic, spied on so many...um...girls, and drank so, so much liquor. I think I will miss the liquor most of all. I didn't know it was possible to drink so much that your saliva catches fire but boy did I find that out the hard way! LOL!
I couldn't believe I might never see Shawn or Phillip again. I still had Kevin, but, well, it just isn't the same. I ripped a page from my journal and wrote out all of my deepest feelings for those guys. Like how I wished my hair would bounce and sparkle in the sunlight like Phillip’s, and like how I admired the perfect V formed by Shawn’s waistline in his bathing trunks. It felt so good to get all of my feelings out on paper. So liberating!!
Penelope sat down next to me and asked what I was writing. I told her I was writing a list of the top-ten all-time show tunes! She looked at me funny and kind of moved away from me. I took out my empty flask and stuffed the note into it, pausing to give it a gentle kiss! I threw it into the rolling surf, hoping against hope that some day Phillip and Shawn would read it and maybe things would be different between us. The captain announced that the Puerto Rican police were waiting at the docks to escort us and Mr. Woods jumped up like something had bitten him. I hope it wasn't a deadly black snake like those on the island!! He grabbed his bag and started tossing bags of something out the porthole just as fast as he could. I guess some of the food had gone bad. Well, this is the end of my little island adventure. I can’t wait to get back to Salem so things can get back to normal. And also so I can get into a de-tox clinic ASAP because all this alcohol is starting to make my muscles atrophy! LOL!! I sure hope no one ever reads this diary! I would just die!! (hic!) I think I will put on my headphones and let Celine Dion carry me back to shore. “Neeeeaarrr, faaaarrrrrr, whereever you are, Shawn and Phillip, I know that my heart will........”

Thanks for reading everyone,
blayne