it has been 73 weeks = 1 year 4 months 1 week and 5 days since i last self harmed.

my determination not to do anything willingly to harm or mess my daughters head up as held me off for this long.

it doesnt mean i dont feel the need to still do it because i do. everytime i feel sad or anxious or sometimes even happy because i feel i dont deserve to be. but particularly when im angry. i am starting to realise i originally started using it as a coping mechanism but now im realising the reason i had to start it is because i was not allowed to express myself as a child. especially not get angry because my mother would just beat me.

now today... these past couple of months i find myself at the point of being so close to exploding i have never been in this place before. i have so much on my mind and nothing that anyone can do to help me. nothing i can do to help myself.

i am constantly shouting at ppl in this house and my mother keeps pushing my buttons and she definately knows how to do it. for a long time i learned not to rise to it but instead would wait until safe to take it out on myself. now im not allowed to.

now im shouting at her and screaming at her always wondering when she will snap as she always has done for a damn site less. then wondering what my reaction will be when she does. will i return to being that beaten vulnerable child who does as they are told and takes the beatings or will i hit her back at the definate risk of being disowned by my family?

maybe that would be a good thing after all i have left 3 times before thats not just coincidence or rebellion i left because i felt it was my life.... or theirs.

i found myself at the stage where i was actually planning in my head how i could kill my mother and my then current step father in their sleep and i knew then i had to leave... even tho i was only 15.

how evil does that sound?

maybe i am evil.

or maybe i am a easily hurt person who recieved 500 too many beatings too many punishments got called a psycho bitch one too many times.

lou